Columns

In 2003 I wanted to set the world record for longest continuous performance of Daryl Braithwaite’s The Horses while riding on a horse carousel on Melbourne Cup Day. So I did. The record was thirty minutes. I could have gone longer.     The plan was to go for two hours. After half an hour […]

On March 25, 2003 I set the world record for longest continuous performance of John Farnham’s ‘You’re The Voice.’ It was a stunt to promote my debut show in the Melbourne International Comedy Festival ‘Living on the edge…of my bed.’  How long can we look at each other Down the barrel of a gun? To […]

To mark the release of Trishine – Solo Version, we hark back to Buddy & Me from The Bedroom Philosopher Diaries – when a certain someone wandered onto the tram… In November 2010 I was booked by Melbourne Music to perform some shows on the 86 tram (along with a certain Courtney Barnett!). This involved […]

      It’s 20 years since my first ‘hit’ busted out on the airwaves of Triple J. Within my six months songwriting blitz on The Morning Show – the first track to resonate with listeners was my ode to the memories of the amazing cache of programming brilliance we were adorned with as children […]

  MIDDLE AGED MUM   I went down to the cross-roads late one night (corner of Smith and Johnston) and just as I thought he would, the devil appeared. He was wearing a long jacket, big leather hat and twisted sunglasses with a psychedelic reflection. The Devil said ‘whaddaya want?’ I said ‘Look, I’m trying […]

  The song Northcote (So Hungover) had its origins as a sketch I wrote for Channel 10 comedy show The Ronnie Johns Good Times Campfire Jamboree Half Hour Show (Now on Television) in 2005-2006. I guess it was depicted to be takin’ the piss out of the emo / punk scene – about three years […]

In 2005 author pal Liam Pieper (fellow Voiceworks edcommer) was sent my album In Bed With My Doona to review for Beat. No doubt inspired by John Safran’s Music Jamboree, he took editorial sensitivity to fabulously dangerous levels by not only running the review by me first, but offering me the chance to write it […]

    “Is there anything more hipster than making fun of being a hipster?” youtube user rhonan, 10 years ago.   To celebrate the pleather anniversary and long-listing in Triple Js Hottest 100 of the Decade, The Bedroom Philosopher (AKA tram dude) reflects on the cultural flashpoint of his accidentally-on-purpose Khe Sanh for millennials.    […]

  BUNYIP.com readers might remember The Bedroom Philosopher from his JJJ favourites I’m So Post Mortem and Northcote (So Hung-Over). Declyn Mash caught up with the intriguing or reclusive comedian about his new web series PUP! What are you hoping to achieve with this series? What are you hoping to achieve with this interview? I […]

Comedian Bill Hicks once said any artist who participates in a commercial was “off the artistic roll call, forever.” Bill was the original Gen-X soldier, declaring a war on advertising when anti-corporate sentiment was at its peak. I wonder what he’d make of today’s climate, where ‘selling out’ is something bands strive for rather than […]

All comedians want to be rockstars, all rockstars want to be comedians and everyone wants to be Flight Of The Conchords. By this theory, musical comedians should have the best of both worlds right? Yeah…nah. Musical comedy is the estranged uncle of the stand-up scene and the ‘special’ cousin of the music industry. That said, […]

1971’s Harold and Maude is a twisted coming of age story and wildly eccentric romantic comedy. Harold is a deadpan and detached young man living in a mansion with his overbearing socialite mother. His favourite game is pretending to kill himself, either by hanging, fake blood in the bath or floating facedown in the swimming […]

After watching the music documentary Dig! I was checking out The Brian Jones Town Massacre. Wild front-man Anton Newcombe had called their 1996 release Thank God For Mental Illness and the title fascinated me. It was about the most audacious thing I’d ever seen. Who would dare celebrate mental illness in anyway? Mental illness was […]

When people ask me what I do I’m reluctant to say “comedian.” The job-title carries with it certain social ramifications. In Australia, the land of the larrikin, it seems such an audacious claim. Mate I know everyone’s a comedian, but I’m foolish enough to expect someone to pay for my services. When I do own […]

Computer says that Cool began in Africa in the 15th century when a tribal leader began wearing an expressionless mask not only during times of stress, but also in times of pleasure. It was dubbed “mystic coolness”. This “artistically conscious interweaving of serious and play” evolved through the African Americans who brought it to the […]

On December 12 I was given the challenge not to say anything negative or bitch about anyone for thirty days. When I heard about this I cried. When I told my close friends they laughed. It was like challenging a sportsman not to state the obvious or a teenager not to use the word ‘like.’ […]

“The city that never sleeps.” I recently went for a holiday in New York. My first impression was that it’s also the city that never showers. With a population of eight million, the city’s rubbish collecting infrastructure is weak. There’s no space for alleyway skips, so small mountains of garbage bags line the sidewalk. Garbage-mountain […]

The foggy universe of my childhood’s psycho-sexual development was filled with everything from cousin flashing, beanbag humping, Madonna filmclips and vaginal graffiti through to my first official fantasy of the princess from The Never Ending Story lying on top of me, putting her mouth on mine. At age seven, Mum sat me down to tell […]

Hundreds of years ago, Mothers would warn their children about getting square eyes from sitting too close to the telly. These days, the old wives tale has updated itself to contracting Oblong Eyes from computer abuse. The average Australian spends 75% of their time in front of a computer screen. (source: poor journalism). Here are […]

To the menfolk of Australia. Quick, we haven’t got much time. While your girl’s in the shower I need to tell you a few things, man to man. Turn off the TV. I DON’T CARE IF FUZZY FROM VH IS TALKING! Right, I want to talk about legs. Namely, yours. Tell me – this summer, […]

At the end of each year, many young Australians make the pilgrimage back to their family homes. Here, they try and assimilate with their parents and grandparents, whom are more or less middle-age frenemies they have nothing in common with. Before entering the weatherboard compound, the subject is forced to undergo a strict quarantine procedure […]

Each year, as I become more self conscious and weird, it becomes harder and harder to relax at home. I touchdown in Tasmania a burnt out husk, declare my tears at customs and am bundled into the back of Mum’s Kia feeling like an overgrown teenager with improved vocabulary and fashion. This year, my home […]

So Thom Yorke has come out and declared the album dead. This isn’t the first time Thom’s been the bearer of bad tidings. In 2004 he cancelled the second Melbourne Radiohead show due to a frail voice. Frail voice? I thought that was the whole point. Not only did I have a ticket but I’d […]

Did you know that every thirteen minutes a relationship in Australia ends? Statistics tell us that only 5% of these relationships will end cleanly. The majority will haemorrhage into heaving silence with one staring into space and the other in tears. Sentences will get said: “I don’t know what I feel any more. I just […]

      In grade 10, my girlfriend Kristen cheated on me with an older guy. When I say older, I mean he was on his P’s. I’d tried everything I could with her: a four-hour phone conversation when we lived half-an-hour away; some serious leg playing; I even let her boss me around and […]

Hello. Oh hey Joel how you going? Ya. I’m just on a, uh, tram, just really hungover. Hey, you know that um, band competition we went in, So You Think You Can Copy? Yeah, we won man! Yeah we got a record contract out of it. We’re with like Independent Records, they’re like an off-shoot […]

Press stud check shirts and three piece flared suits Art Deco prints and mod Beatle boots vintage scrabble with no pieces missing a few of my favourite second hand things. Ah yes, like Scrooge McDuck used to flap wildly about in his columns of cash, the modern young thing can interpretive dance around shelves of […]

They say humans spend a third of their lifetime sleeping. Of that time, I spend a third lying in bed swearing, a third sitting in the kitchen eating ham and a third rolling around in a half-awake dream state with the devil playing Pictionary. Rock and roll brain, you god forsaken sponge! Where did it […]

This is how it goes: Me: I’ve never been overseas. Person: What!? Me: Yep. Person: But you’re from Tasmania. (Person laughs for 18 minutes). Me: True. I guess I have then. (Person continues anecdote of how they caught a train from Paris to Berlin and then ended up in Amsterdam and fell in love with […]

Alcohol is pure sex. Frosted white wine splashing between your lips. A smooth green bottle, snug in your dancing hand. The spitfire sweet of a straw sucked liqueur. The luscious punch of ice shrapnel between teeth, a slush of lemon and gin anointing your smoky throat. Alcohol lubricates your gasping mind. Oils your dancing bones. […]

Who could forget the feeling of first discovering your favourite band or show. Like a seasoned explorer, you sail the air waves, telescope poised, waiting for a particular hook, lyric or joke to glimmer on the horizon like a cheeky lighthouse. Eyes grinning through sea spray you throttle your badge encrusted wheel, drop the striped […]

(This piece first appeared in Frankie magazine in response to the question ‘What is your super power?’) You don’t choose to be a social suicide bomber, you are born one. Just like a pre-pubescent Spiderman was caught with goo on his hands, those inflicted / blessed with this conversational gift discover it by accident. With […]

(This first appeared as a writing exercise answering the above question in Frankie magazine.) In 2000 I stood before a packed dining room, faces glistening in the candle light. I was MCing the graduation dinner of a youth organisation I volunteered for. As always, I was seen as the lovable comedian, set to dazzle with […]

(This piece appeared as part of a writing exercise on the above topic in Frankie magazine.) I decided to rid the earth of religion. The exact process was mysterious, involved a lot of forms and tickled a bit. I was led into a secret basement beneath Frankie HQ with multicoloured moss, posters of bands from […]

Australian’s please let us rejoin, For it is one degree. With oldies loyal and health in turmoil Our shops are shut by three. Our land is ground into nature’s chips Forestry’s stripped us bare It’s a mystery gays were allowed to stay Advance Tasmania where? With employment strained the young jump ship Advance Tasmania where? […]

Ever had the feeling that someone, somewhere is having a much better life than you? Ever trawled through a magazine, much like this fine one, and taken the whole thing personally? E Gad! Look at these hotter, wiser, better dressed, more experienced young things. Ever stared at that touchy cutesy couple at the gig and […]

I was first diagnosed with depression when I was sixteen. Clumsily, by a doctor who may as well have been doing a sudoku during the consultation. I went in to complain about not sleeping, which I had already self-diagnosed was caused by the medical anomalies of thinking too much and having complex sexual fantasies set […]

(This piece originally appeared in Frankie #23) Dear Blog, Today I did this and said that and made this private joke and generally my grammar was terrible and I got myself into a situation with no dramatic tension or character arcs and I guess you had to be there. *SUMBIT* Sound familiar? Yes, tickle me […]

(This piece appears in the Frankie Anthology ‘Something To Say.’) After my Pop passed away last year, I found myself wearing his clothes. This was nothing new. Back in 1998 when I first discovered op-shopping, I realised I had an exclusive treasure trove right under my nose. During a regular weekend jaunt to Nan & Pop’s […]

There’s never a more vulnerable time in one’s life than when they step outside the door of the hairdresser’s. As a guy, the thought running through my head is almost always the same – ‘TOOOOO SSHHOOOORRRRTTTTT!!!’ Having abruptly cropped hair leaves your big goofy head exposed, like your face’s version of being caught with its […]

It’s 7:13am Monday morning and I’m sprawled in my warm blue sheets having a dream. My girlfriend and I are sitting outside a beachside café while an aerial battle is going on. Two squadrons of about fifteen planes a piece are locked in frenetic oscillation, their khaki green bodies murky against the pale sky. Like […]

By the hammer of Thor! I have tinnitus. The alarm bell of my vulnerability is ringing in my ears. I’ve let the team down. I’ve hurt myself. I’ve quite possibly permanently damaged one of the most precious and valuable parts of my body. I’ve fucked up. (This is me being positive.) A friend gave me […]

They say when you’re lying on your deathbed thinking back over your life, you won’t be worrying about what job you had or how much money you made, but about the people you loved, in particular your one true love. Failing that there’s always your greatest races on Mario Kart 64. Such is the divine […]

I tip the last drops of water into my mouth and rinse out my glass, steering the tap lever up and left. Fluid thunders out of the pipe like tubular ocean – the Amazonian sound-spray filling my ears. The weight of a hundred micro-storms splice over my hand as if my knuckles were river-rocks. I […]

Who hasn’t watched Fight Club and thought: “Yeah – maybe if I smacked my friends around a bit I’d alleviate some of this pedestrian, inner-city tension. Maybe I am getting a bit soft. Have I ever even been in a fight? When was the last time I tried a ninja kick at book club, or […]

For a change this year I spent New Year’s Eve on the foreshore of my hometown Burnie, Tasmania. While the lengthy stares from primitive locals and a muddy mix on the Bon Jovi cover band (Bad Medicine) were downers, the midnight fireworks were a plus. It doesn’t matter where you are, geographically or mentally, fireworks […]

This article was originally published in Frankie Magazine #20. It was in response to the man myth – the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. This saying was first coined by the United States Chief Medical Surgeon Ernie Monbulk in Connecticut in 1943. At the time he was giving a lecture to […]

This article was originally published in Frankie Magazine #20. Regardless of your geographic tendency or sociological demographic, by the time you hit early adulthood, you will have had the misfortune of spending a Friday night at ‘The Cliché.’ The Cliché is a chain of nightclubs around Australia that use the same dingy decor and audio […]

I started my love affair with op shops back in Grade 12, when I sprinted into our local St Vinnies to hide from some bullies. It was exactly like the scene in The NeverEnding Story, except that instead of a certain hardcover storybook altering my destiny, it was a burnt orange cardigan. The kingdom of […]

This article was originally published in Frankie Magazine #18. It was also published in The Sex Mook (Vignette Press 2007). One Night Stands – the methadone clinics for intimacy junkies. For many, this grope on a rope mentality is too depraved to consider. It conjures up conjugal imagery of a greasy footballer and a Midori […]

This article was originally published in Frankie Magazine #18 A reliable source (girl in pub) once told me that Astro Boy was originally set in 1995. Whether or not it’s true, it does reinstall the notion that we probably have a right to feel ripped off by the ‘future.’ Twelve years on from that fictional […]

What’s that saying? ‘There’s always someone better off than you.’ No, that’s not it. But you know what I mean – ‘there’s always going to be someone ahead of you being more successful.’ Hmmm. That’s a bit clumsy. I think it was one of my Nan’s sayings. ‘You’ve got nothing.’ Yeah, that’s it. Admittedly she […]

Facebook. Don’t ignore it. Don’t try and fight it. You can’t escape. There’s nowhere to run. It owns you. It knows where you live. It’s ferocious and intelligent and you’d better let it zombie bite you and start up a game of scrabble or you’ll be the one at home playing with your abacus while […]

Justin Heazlewood AKA ‘The Bedroom Philosopher’ appears, positively relaxed when I catch up with him at his Melbourne compound, located in a secret room in the back end of an abandoned op shop. He leans back in an electric vibrating beanbag eating Doritos, dressed in a brown corduroy jumpsuit with an orange helmet (a short […]

This article was originally published in the ‘Secret Lens Business’ section of JMag #11. This photo, which has had its singed edges digitally repaired, is the only known evidence of the most catastrophic function in the history of Tasmanian event management – my 18th. The day started well. I already felt blessed that my birthday […]

In the tradition of working out your porn star name (your first pet name and first street name), here is a technique I’ve created to find out your self-indulgent rock star name, the name of your globe-trotting, unit shifting band as well as the lazily penned title of your first over-produced, riff pilfering mega-hit. How […]

If New Year’s Eve is the grand final of Saturday nights, then Valentine’s day is the state championships for romance. Just as the behemoth of social match pressure leaves many asking who spiked their last big night of the year with ‘Socrapnol,’ Valentine’s Day is an expectation fuelled beast, chewing maniacally on greeting card pulp, […]

They say it takes two to tango, and you can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs – but the truth is, if you’re lonely, and you’ve drunk too much Stone’s green ginger, it’s not that hard to put on Amelie with the picture down and dance yourself into oblivion, clumsily removing pieces of […]

Four years ago, a small, poor Tasmanian boy came to Canberra, down on his luck, with only a Beck cassette and a brown vintage suit to his name. He spent his time as a horse whisper at the Civic carousel, but this meant working long, voluntary hours, so he quit there and took on a […]

There’s a lot of things I like about old people. Their cardigans and slacks fashion sensibility. Their passion for storytelling. Their lo-fi attempts to understand popular culture. Their predisposition to whistle in public places. And, probably most of all, their generally friendly nature. We’ve all had the experience of being zonked out on public transport, […]

Sometimes I think people take streetpress for granted. I mean, really, how many times have you walked past the latest edition of BMA thinking ‘oh yeah, I suppose I’ll get one, seeing as though they’re there.’ C’mon! Streetpress is a hyped-up turbo typeset of omnicolour pulp-beans and sub-cultural superscenery! It’s a defiant oblong flat-pack of […]

I remember when I was about five I used to amuse myself by scampering around to the local Telecom phone box, picking up the receiver, pressing some random numbers and having pretend conversations with Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy. The particulars of these discussions is appropriately vague and mysterious. I suppose ‘we’ discussed the […]

Its 10am, Monday morning and I’m stocktaking my emotions for the millionth time. Another restless night in bed has left me feeling like the test patient in an experiment on insomniacs, but when I wake there are no men in white coats with fresh printouts to tell me if I’m normal or not just breakfast, […]

It’s official. The novelty of being single has worn off. Chance encounters of intimacy are being chalked up as vacuous and desperate. The 3am party/bar deal-sealing perve scan is clumsy and unfulfilling. On cold Friday nights there is a lonely patch on the couch where a cuddle-savvy girlfriend should be – a giggling navigator for […]

NOTE: In a nod towards professional integrity, the name of the DJ has been omitted. I just went to my first wedding. At twenty-six, for a long time I had been the oldest person I knew who had never been to a wedding, this drought due to a tiny extended family and emotionally disorganised friends. […]

I’ve just passed my ten year anniversary of smoking – rewarding myself with a burnt ash cake, complete with tar cream and nicotine icing, with one lit cigarette in the middle which I can’t quite gather the lung capacity to cough out. My only wish? To quit. I compare my addiction to cigarettes to that […]

Growing up, you realise that it’s rare for things to turn out exactly how you want them to, and even rarer for your expectations to be exceeded. Most dreams don’t quite come true. Neither do wishes. Life is a bit too literal for that kind of whimsy. Except when it comes to one thing. One […]

It’s overcast today. The air has a tinge of fridge door freshness as I walk along the street. (must be the Woolworths hopper I just passed.) Branches are restless, a man operates a whipper snipper on the nature strip while the dehydrating puddles are swished around by the wind, leaving vaguely mathematical spirals. I’m hung […]

Sometimes, when I write ‘Love Just’ on the end of an email, I get an urge to include this disclaimer: (Note: If you are uncomfortable with use of word ‘love’ please downgrade to ‘Cheers, Just’ If you are disappointed with the absence of xx’s . Please add them in your head.) How much do you […]

In December last year I attended the fuzzing ozrockapoolooza of ‘Homebake.’ The day began with an ill-advised meeting with one of my vaguest friends, Adam. We agreed to meet at Museum station, not taking into account that this particular train station has four different entrances. After a fidgety fifteen minutes, I went without him, as […]

New year’s eve can be a dazzling, charming, life-affirming celebration of the lovable mischief of friends, the heart-spicing marinate of alcohol and the star-blazing sense of grandeur and primeval humility that resetting the clock to O:OO:OO can bring. It can also be a moody, brain curdling shit-thicket. For Justin Heazlewood, the last two new years […]

I watched the ARIA’s recently with my usual mix of gentle jealousy and hormonally creative fascination at the hypothetical plethora of deluxe flirting opportunities one could encounter at an after party with Australian music royalty. I mean, I’ve never been to one – but could easily imagine myself swaying nervously in a darkened corner, flicker-peeking […]

I’m about to turn 25. Yay me. A time to drink a lot of punch, swan around at my own party and try desperately not to repeat the murky anti-climax of last year’s ‘hosting my own party syndrome’ where I spent the entire evening in some damp, drunken, hyper-aware state of worrying about everyone having […]

JUSTIN’S ANNUAL REPORT INCOME: Newstart Allowance: $8429 The Bedroom Philosopher: $4009 Centre For Adult Education: $1101 Pinnacle Hospitality Agency: $236 Total: $13775 TAX DEDUCTIBLE STUFF Centre For Adult Education: $40 The Bedroom Philosopher : $1293 (I even claimed my pyjamas and doona cover this year) RESULT: Tax debt of $420 Money in wallet: $85 Money […]

I had just finished my world record attempt on the civic horse carousel, the humour of which was questioned by ‘elvis’ on the riot-act.com website (are triple j the only people that find justin heazlewood funny…remember, they broke savage garden) I was feeling a little damaged and introverted and wondering why someone with the nerves […]

The first gig I ever did was to a modest but receptive audience of three, in 1987. It was a place called the spare bedroom and Nan, Pop and Mum came all the way up the hall to see me. Being a child genius rockstar, before strumming a note, I asked the audience to stand […]

The ACTION bus driver is being extra cheerful, and I can tell he’s from the old school, (if there is an old school of bus drivers, or even an underground urban scene) he has clearly not read sections 3.1.1 through to 3.1.9 of the ACTION guide to being a better bus driver. “It is not […]

Hello Christmas ghost! Hello How’s things. Christmassy. No doubt. Would you like to buy a raffle ticket? Okay. How much. Three for a dollar. I only want two. You can’t buy two. Why not? Look, the prize is really good, just buy three you tight arse. Fair enough, whatever. Have you got anything smaller? No. […]

The beginning of 1999 was a smash and grab affair. On Valentine’s Day I left Tasmania to study at the University of Canberra. Eight days before I left I met a girl called Jacci at a party. Sometime after dawn we kissed. It was three days after I had unofficially broken up with my girlfriend […]

Aloha Pooglets! Welcome to the I’m So Post Modern lyric writing master class. Firstly, I will conduct a short lecture on the comedic paradigms within the song. Then, I encourage you to have a go at your own lyrics. Feel free to comment on others as well. Keep it constructive and nice. Okay. Let’s begin. […]

THIS PAGE IS FULL! WHY NOT GO TO THE NEXT PAGE OF THE MASTERCLASS! The same lesson is there. Aloha Pooglets! Welcome to the I’m So Post Modern lyric writing master class. Firstly, I will conduct a short lecture on the comedic paradigms within the song. Then, I encourage you to have a go at […]

Click here to join the I’M SO POST MODERN LYRIC WRITING MASTERCLASS, and have a chance to write your own lyrics and have them graded by The Bedroom Philosopher himself! I’m So Post Modern by The Bedroom Philosopher I’m so postmodern that I just don’t talk anymore, I wear different coloured t-shirts according to my […]

Golden Gaytime By The Bedroom Philosopher. I’m not one to make a statement I’m anything but blatant of life I am but a quiet member but I’ll never forget that day when out in the open it all came it had to be that one day in september we’d lost our footy final so on […]

Folkstar by The Bedroom Philosopher NOTE: The lyrics have been updated since the original pressing of 500 albums. You might find that the version you are used to (the spoken word one) is different. In one of my fits of indecisiveness, I ‘improved’ the lyrics. Sorry in advance, to everyone, for everything. Hey DJ I’m […]

MEGAN THE VEGAN (Heazlewood) Megan the vegan doesn’t like meat Megan the vegan doesn’t like me Megan the vegan you’re looking kind of pale Megan the vegan watch out for that snail You need eggs in your legs Honey in your tummy Cheese in your knees And more milk from your mummy Megan the vegan […]

The Happiest Boy by The Bedroom Philosopher When I was thirteen I was abducted by aliens In a sunset orange valiant with wings The aliens were friendly They communicated by break dancing They looked like a cross Between Gumby, Bjork and Richie Benaud They took me to their home planet Mars_79 It had an iced […]