LapTopping – 68 – “Best LapTopping Ever”
LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official E-zine of The Bedroom Philosopher
Sunday December 28, 2008.
Estimated Reading Time: 9:53
Happy Birthday Patrick Rafter 36 today!
Happy Birthday Jude Law 36 tomorrow!
Happy Birthday Ted Danson 61 tomorrow!
Happy Birthday Marianne Faithful 62 tomorrow!
DIDN’T GET THE BEDROOM PHILOSOPHER A CHRISTMAS GIFT?
Now you can! He doesn’t want much. Just for you to vote for The Happiest Boy video in this online competition. It’s a gift that keeps giving because you stand the chance to win a Playstation 3 just by voting! Yaytron 3000!
Go to the ‘Vote Now’ bit.
Locate ‘The Happiest Boy’ in the ‘Complete List’ bit.
Give it a thumbs up!
Thanks. Chill, I’ll remind you at the end of the Ezine too.
WANT TO CO-MANAGE THE BEDROOM PHILOSOPHER?
Does anyone have any contacts? Talk me up around the water cooler. Seriously – does anyone have any tip-offs for where I could send my film clips or songs overseas? As in video programs / radio contacts / festivals / prominent bargain bins etc?
WANT TO MAKE A PROFESSIONAL FILM CLIP?
The next single will be ‘Party In My Head’ but I’m too tired to make a film clip. Would anyone like to get seriously involved to the point of doing most of the damn thing? Let’s get it in one take. Me thrashing about with a storyline. MUST BE SHMICK! Or lo-fi enough to still be cool and not remotely contrived. NO 80’s RETRO! Or, there’s the option of making a video for the 19 second ‘Swan Song.’ Could be animated.
DO YOU HAVE ANY OLD TRAM MEMORABILIA?
It’s for my Comedy Festival Show ‘Songs From The 86 Tram.’
Or, are you a sound artist and would take pleasure in getting a clean audio recording from inside a tram? Or do you have awesome sound gear. Melbourne only.
NAN GOT IT WRONG AT CHRISTMAS
Asked for: The Beatles Anthology.
Got: Encyclopedia Deutschland’s Compendium of Automobiles.
Asked for: The Complete Series of Family Guy.
Got: The Complete Series of Family Ties.
Asked for: The New 50 Cent single.
Got: A commemorative 50 cent piece.
Asked for: A pair of Cons.
Got: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels on VHS.
Asked for: The Mighty Boosh.
Got: George Bush Biography.
Asked for: MGMT or ACDC
Asked for: Architecture In Helsinki
Got: Helsinki: Contemporary Urban Architecture by Jussi Tiainen.
Asked for: A ticket to Good Vibrations
Got: A cassette of Good Vibrations.
Asked for: Sanity Vouchers
Got: The Bible.
Asked for: Money.
Asked for: Nothing.
Got: Carob bullets.
Great moments in unsolicited conversation.
From Dion, Burnie. (via text message)
“I am concerned the driver of the bus I am on wants to kill himself. He talks like Adam Sandler in the wedding singer and drives like Aryton Senna. He just said on the mic that swimming with piranhas would be preferable to driving a bus from Burnie to Hobart in the rain at 4pm on a Sunday. Then there was a lot and I mean a lot of dead air. He then delivered the line about softdrink – sandwiches being allowed on the bus and exhaled loudly. If i don’t make it pass this message on as exhibit a. He just asked the kid behind him if he has seen snakes on a plane. Then he seriously locked the brakes and slid through an intersection. ‘Lucky no one goes anywhere in Deloraine on Sunday‘ was the response.”
INANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENT NOTICES
From James, Wellington, NZ.
“Another phone has lost its life at the hands of the tyrannous race that is the washing machine. On 20 November my close friend Alaisa forgot to take her phone out of her trousers before putting them in the wash. Once discovered, water-logged and soapy, the phone would not respond and has been announced deceased by the mobile phone paramedics (some guy who knows a bit about cellphones). We ask you all to hold a moments silence in remembrance of the 11 months of dedicated telecommunication service provided by this brave little guy, and we ask that you pray Alaisa does not find her missing USB drive in the wash as well.”
WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
SEND YOUR GUERILLAGRAMS AND BEREAVEMENT NOTICES TO THIS ADDRESS.
GET A WRIGGLE ON GOOGLET!
Phrases people have typed into Google to land on my website:
“fire in bedroom dream analysis“
“girls blowing up”
“asked me to wear his cloth”
“brown corduroy jumpsuit”
“chris struth is getting a car for his christmas his mum told me when i was at cafe 98”
“picture frames baby nan and pop”
“something in the bedroom that starts w/the letter a”
“women being disappointed with men”
“oil of olay annual report”
“coloured jokes about philosopher”
“is jarvis common people existentialist or nihilist”
“where to retire if you re a philosopher”
“what kind of ear plugs do rock bands wear”
“sample wedding vowles”
“do cruskits have bad colours”
TIME IS CHEESE AND MOUSE IS HUNGRY!
Find out what the number one song was on the day you were born.
A GIGGLE OF GIGS
(SYDNEY, ADELAIDE, MELBOURNE)
SUMMER CHERRY FESTIVAL – 10 January.
I’m on 7pm. It’s at the Gov.
THE THIN GREEN LINE FESTIVAL – 14 February.
We’re on 1pm – ish. Check guides! Xavier Rudd’s there too. BYO Fisherman’s pants.
BROWN & ORANGE ALBUM LAUNCH @ THE CORNER – 19 March.
Featuring Special Guests Tripod plus more TBA. Lead pencil that in!
SONGS FROM THE 86 TRAM @ EUROPEAN BIER CAFE. 2-25 April. (No Mondays). 9:45pm.
My first solo Melbourne Comedy Festival show in four years. Witness the fitness.
(Brought to you by MGnT. The hip New York drink that’s probably been over-hyped.)
2008 IN REVIEW
Top Five Lessons I Learnt:
1. Love isn’t always enough to keep a relationship together. Get them pregnant.
2. Mates Rates requires Acquaintance Maintenance.
3. Smoking’s only cool if you looked cool to start with.
4. If you wouldn’t talk to them at a party, don’t have them as Facebook friends.
5. Making an album is like running the country of yourself when you’re at war.
2008 was the year that a little grey slipped into my outlook, and my sideburns. I found out what happens when you fall off the edge you’ve been riding for years. There’s no safety mat and the circus don’t employ broken clowns. The key to happiness is accepting things as they are – but once you’re happy you’ll realise the key to survival is accepting happiness as a construct and the key to acceptance is being happy just to survive. Counselling is helpful but seriously, you’re so bored of yourself you have to pay someone to listen to you? Psychologists are prosetitutes. Insomnia is caused when the muesli of thought spills over onto the track pants of fear while watching the daytime television of your unachieved goals. All it takes is the right Beatles lyrics, a hot meal, a pash at a party and the smell of childhood flowers blowing fresh over the city streets and you’ll find the reset button on your subconscious. Failing that, punch the back of your knee. Hard!
♥ Mix it up. Ride your bike in a swimming pool.
♥ Do it yourself. Take a popcorn machine to the flicks.
♥ Slow it down. Repeat Grade Nine as a refresher.
♥ Take a chance. Fly to Afghanistan to do your grocery shopping.
♥ Believe in yourself. Hang a mirror up in an art gallery and stand there all week.
♥ Take stock of your life. Go busking in the street reading out your will.
♥ Don’t be afraid to laugh. Especially at children, they’re wrong in the skeleton!
♥ Cry often. There’s NO DORITOS!
You can be anything you want to be, within your own natural limitations. The only person stopping you is yourself, and usually for good reason because you have a reputation at stake and no-one likes a show-off. Life isn’t a rehearsal, but if it is, God is going to be wild and no-one needs a million page script thrown at them. Get off the computer, smell the roses, eat the Cadbury roses, listen to the Stone Roses, stone the crows, watch The Crow, support the Adelaide Crows, get stoned in Adelaide with a girl called Rose, listening to The Stones and have something to crow about.
See you in Two Thousand And Fine!*
(*copyright: Josh Earl.)
LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
NOTICE & DISCLAIMER:
This things has been sent to you the receiver on your e-box. To begin transmission please place flaccid eye-line on word perimeter and swish side to side undertake neural response sequence making words seem right and be entertained. It the event the face response is too flaccid or there a build up of misunderstanding, kindly remove all of you from your office station and reset surroundings with baseball bat or other fixing device and return to safety counter. This be a good letter of transmit with all wishes of kindness, however we are careful and know that words go bad so we keep silent if you life is not in line with these message and you not appreciating the word snorkel, madams. This organisation quite careful to make super-letter with the right love for your fighting mind, keep you smart and clean but not too many jokes as we are all off to the trouble bank. Let us journey into brightest of mornings with wind in our hair and the ground beneath our boots and know that the horizon is only as distant as love for ourselves.
PS VOTE FOR THE HAPPIEST BOY!
I don’t know that I’d be ‘dissapointed’ with the complete series of Family Ties…
Heh…that’s a lot of michael j fox sliding along on his office chair in the opening credits.