LapTopping – 34 – “Mellow Freddo”
LapTopping Issue 34
Friday 19th Novemer 2004
** Last B.P. Melbourne Show This Year + Gnet Phifty **
Estimated Reading Time: 4:52
(Approximately the amount of time the cat watches you for after you’ve put food in its bowl and before it starts eating it)
Happy Birthday Jodie Foster 42 today!
Happy Birthday Anna Cleary 22 Sunday (Bev’s daughter)
INTERNATIONAL SELF PROMOTION WEEK
‘I’m So Postmodern’ is now in the Net 50 list! (Not in the Top 50…yet) It may only be there for one or two weeks. Please vote for it now. They are listed alphabetically by song titles.
Note: 1 – You DON’T have to put your name and address in. 2 – You can vote more than once for the same song.
Ultra deluxe hugs to everyone who voted last issue. Histroy will remember you.
(histroy is my Egyptian spirit guide that manages the gratitude levels towards my friends, and hates spelling the word history)
On this day in 1993 (A reading from my grade seven diary)
“Made sausage rolls in cooking. Mine were the best in the class! Came home. Bought Nick’s birfty present (music sheets). Went over. Had Bigfoot for tea. We played computer. Stayed up late. See ya.”
TOP 10 POSSIBLE TITLES FOR THE BEDROOM PHILOSOPHER’S NEXT MELBOURNE INTERNATIONAL COMEDY FESTIVAL SHOW
1 – Sex, Hugs and Sausage Rolls
2 – Folklahoma!
3 – Wind In The Pillows (Bev’s favourite)
4 – Celibacy In The Country
5 – No Sex Please, I’m Tasmanian
6 – I Am The New Black
7 – A Gut-Busting Show Of Staggering Genius
8 – Sleepless In Tasmania
9 – Only Folking! (Bev’s least favourite)
10 – How To Lose $3000 In 24 Days
11 – Arse-About
12 – Cruskits! Cruskits! Cruskits!
13 – The Semi-Mental Bloke
14 – Tasmaniac!
15 – Not Without My Glasses
(We welcome your suggestions and preferences, tho I’m going with number 1)
PIN THE ANALYSIS ON THE SUBCONSCIOUS
(Can you interpret Justin’s dream?)
“I’m hanging out with a guy I don’t really know and we’re going to some kind of outdoor audition for a porn film. I think it’s in the courtyard of the block of flats where I lived in Tasmania. A few of us are lined up, and the director is just looking at people, seeing who he wants. Suddenly I realise I’m wearing a really baggy grey woollen jumper. I start to take it off, but the director already looks at me and says ‘sorry mate.’ I wake up thinking this is the opposite of the ‘naked at school’ dream.”
LAPTOPPING IN-ANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES
From Philip Arkinstall, Malaysia.
SICK, DECEASED & RECOVERED
Dear Justin Heazlewood ( I assume),
Got a wiff of your adress from a friend who had heard my inanimate object bereavement story and thinks someone might like it. I returned home to KL ,Malaysia last week and was greeted with series of teapot disasters that unravelled the zenlike wrapping I have been cultivating during years of music performances.
Next, I move to a cave. My sheets were mouldy so into the machine they went. This machine blew up and powered down my flat. Torch batteries flat.
Next morning gathered said sheets up walked across to laundry which turned out to be shut. Bike wouldnt start so got truck to the mechanic. Sat around for 6 hours until told to return tomoro. This little series followed one in Sydney, not one month to the day hence, where I happened to be bedridden with gastro in mum’s flat. Mum was recovering from a major operation and sleeping too. I awoke at 6 in the evening wondering how mum had managed to get up and cook a lamb roast and why on earth she would cook it for someone with gastro. That crackling did sound delicious though..oops. Not cooking but an exploded hot water tank flooding the whole apartment. The moon is watching all electric things in my vicinity. Run for the hills.
cheers , Phil
** **** *** ***** ********** *************
WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
** **** *** ***** ********** *************
Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev: firstname.lastname@example.org
Let’s get metaphysical
A moment with Kerry, the metaphysical drummer!
(From his new dotmatrix corduroy almanac ‘Spearmint Kerfuffle Sax’ available for one hour in Jopulary)
A GIGGLE OF GIGS
* LAUGHAPOOLOOZA! Musical Comedy Extravaganza!! $20/$18. 8pm Kaliede Theatre, Swanston Street! Finally! It’s here. The definitive line-up of next generation musical comedy superstars! Featuring Eddie Perfect (Best newcomer last MICF), Sista She (they are the future of everything), Tim Minchin (Cabaret brilliance), Elbowskin, Man Bites God, and the spectacular Josh Earl. And me.
* Jangle Gym. Tonight. Bar Open. 8:30pm $5. Featuring Gorgeous headlining, and a serious set from Scod from Tripod!
• Monday 7th Febuary. I’m doing a spot at the Local, St.Kilda. Cnr Carlisle and Chapel streets. $10.
I’ve been overlooked for the National folk festival for the first time since 2003, possibly due to double booking myself with the Melbourne comedy festival this year, scraping together a compromise, then, for the first time in my life, missing my flight on the day and having to get a later one: (more reports next paragraph)
I then arrived just in time for a ‘Bob Dylan Song Competition’ in which you had to do a ‘version’ of any Bob Dylan song off the ‘Freewheelin’ EP.’ Having spent 0% of my time preparing for this, and having never listened to the album, I got up there, said I was going to focus on the silences between the tracks, and just played various ‘last chords’ from the songs and stood there, eyeballing hardcore bluegrass folkies ready to blast me with a paint ball gun, wrap me up in bells and throw me to the irish dancers.
I then said I was going to play a b-side from one of the singles from the album, and proceeded to hurl myself around the stage playing the harmonica sort of like a dragon would play an asthma puffer…frightening small children and alienating the middle aged in the process. I didn’t win, but didn’t come last. One woman in the crowd said I was embodying the freewheelin’ spirit of the 60’s, which I completely agreed with. Festival organiser, Graham Macdonald said ‘how are you enjoying the festival?’ then walked off, which I also, completely agreed with.
** Don’t forget to vote for ‘I’m So Postmodern’ on Triple J -**
**Don’t forget to look in the mirror and go ‘hey spunklord, tidy assets’**
LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL
CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine email Bev in administration on
with your email details and the last time you cried.
Last time someone cried: “Beth – When I heard a pretty song”
Back issues of LapTopping are still available.
To be removed from this Ezine reply with the subject line “Clarity starts at home”
This information is transmitted for the intention of the um…recipient….hang
on..that doesn’t look right….hey Tony….excuse me…sorry…I was just
wondering…well….like….why do we have this message….if….i mean…if
you are sent this email..then…doesn’t that make you the intended
recipient? Yeah…..oh….okay….because of viruses…and……yeah..i just
thought that….hmmm……okay….yep…..sure….no worries….. If you have
received this email in error then….hmmm…..aaah….tony…..yeah sorry
to bother you mate….i was just ….well…this one about receiving the
email in error….well….how would you know if you’ve been sent it
in error if it’s in your inbox?….yeah…..no, but ho…..wha…..hmmm…….yeah…..oh
okay….so if if made no sense to you….or if your name wasn’t on…..yeah…..right….it’
s a bit like that warning for pirated videos isn’t it…you know the
one…..have you got what you paid….yeah that one….no?……oh fair
enough…..i just thought cos……how are you supposed to know whether
you’ve received…..yeah, yeah I kno
w cos your name’s not on the……but anyway….just thought it was interesting…..how
was the footy on the weekend….did you go?
Criskits! Criskits! Criskits!
oh my gosh if there was a show named this i would go see it regardless, how could it not be fanbtastic i cant beleive you didnt go wiht this my chest hurst and byt hiat i mean the weird lumps growing there that everyone seems to have damnit damnit im lonley im so lonley can i come home wiht you? stupoid basement jax ill give them lonley i have heard that song id like to write a comment and im fell of listless ness why wont mah egg come hom? if you were a proper gempmum you would ride horses and gamble and hunt and hold your liquer and not bother yerself with booklearning and youd dance light and alway be very proper wiht a lady. and i i was a proper lady i would eat like a bird and never bother anyone and defer and defer ansd walk pidgeon toed and have a seventeen inch waist ill give you gone wiht the wind clark gavble fuck i didnt swear i didnt im sorry um im just sad and borded thatst asll. sorryt