(Brought to you by Truckie helpline. A new two-way counselling service for those going through the ‘long haul.’ Includes AM radio tip-offs, swear word of the day and conflict resolution to deal with walkie-talkie kids jamming the line with fart noises.)

• My new album Brown & Orange has been mastered (by the power of greyskull), and is theoretically finished. I am currently trying to ‘shop it round’ to prospective record labels and management types. (Faxing the sheet music to cassette manufacturers in Turkey – standing in Sony carpark frisbeeing discs at the receptionist.) I am also considering an album release direct to cash converters which would at least guarantee some instant income and cut out the middle man, (my fanbase.) If anyone has any industry contacts or would like to privately invest approximately $10000 for its release with twenty percent exponential return after gross please sticky tape some credit cards together Scrooge McDuck.

• Brown & Orange was taken to a different producer in its final stages. Chris Scallen at Soft Centre Studios in Northcote did some amazing work and was a joy to work with. He has worked on albums like Cut Copy’s ‘Bright Like Neon Love’ and The Avalanches “Since I Left You.” It was mastered by David Briggs at The Production Workshop. He used to be in Little River Band and wrote the song ‘Lonesome Loser.’ I am very happy with the album and will be doing my utmost to get the freaking thing to you all. I didn’t mean for it to take so long, but on day one I said I didn’t have a timeline and at least I won’t take as long as Portishead.

• I broke up with my darling girlfriend for a while. It was horrible. We are back together now.

• One hour after we ‘cancelled’ our relationship on Facebook an ad appeared with a blonde girl’s face saying “28 and still single? Why not meet singles at” Thanks Facebook. What a sensitive, caring platform you really are. You even sold off my private information without asking me…awww.

• In conjunction with regular counselling I’ve started taking anti-depressants. They’re called Lexipro and aren’t ‘happy pills’ they just take the bottom edge off my moods. For example, I watched Cool Runnings and at the end when they carry their bobsled over the line I normally bawl, but now just sniff a little. (Their rival claps along too and he doesn’t even like them! sob) Side effect include drowsiness, the inability to finish a crossword and the gift of writing generation defining rock ballads with twenty three augmented chords and choruses that sound like Queen doing Radiohead.

• I’m okay, really

• I’m not okay.

• I’ve parted ways with my manager, and am currently seeking management. Imogen the work experience girl was filling in adequately but despite a proposed pay rise of three tim-tam’s a day has opted to finish year ten. SELFISH!

• I turned 28. I’m in the business end of my twenties.

• I’ve moved house. After four years in Clifton Hill I have relocated to North Fitzroy, living with three awfully nice arty types, including The Big Issue and Frankie’s own ‘Romy Ash.’ It’s a bomby old 70’s house that is sinking to one side and there’s a black rabbit called Coalface. Temperament wise rabbits are a cross between cats and goldfish. I mean no offence to the rabbit community, I’m just getting used to the fluffy little concepts.

• My pieces are still appearing in Frankie, The Big Issue, Canberra and Tasmanian street press and sometimes JMag. The latest Frankie features my 70’s tie collection! It’s my publishing highlight thus far.

• My hairdresser has bumped his prices up enormously. It’s gone from $65 to $85 for existing customers and up to $145 for new customers! There’s got to be some ACCC action. I am most angry at them because they knocked back my ‘Guerillagram.’

Girl: It’s now $85
Me: Is that because of the drought?

If anyone knows of a cheaper hairdresser where they’ll make me look like the guy off ‘man about the house’ please let me know.