LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official E-zine of The Bedroom Philosopher

Tuesday 2nd October 2007.
Estimated Reading Time: 17:22.
**New Single ‘The Happiest Boy’ is out now!**


Happy Birthday Sting 56 today!
Happy Birthday Yokozuna (WWF Wrestler) 41 today!
Happy Birthday Dizzee Rascal 22 yesterday!
Happy Birthday Gary Ablett 46 yesterday! (And what a present)



Thanks to everyone who volunteered to be extras in a film clip. The news is that a clip of that nature has been put on the back burner for now. But you have all been filed away and will be contacted once I’ve got enough money to be able to shoot on real film.

Street Team Peeps are required to put up posters in major cities in exchange for a ticket to my Single and Album launch gigs! If you like the idea of whacking up about 20 posters in high density areas (not just the back of your brother) then please reply to this email with your name and address. Regards.



The first single from ‘Brown & Orange’ has been released by Nan & Pop Records. It’s called The Happiest Boy. It has a film clip which was made by David Blumenstein AKA Nakedfella. You can see the clip and find a link to purchase it on my Myspace page. (www.myspace.com/thebedroomphilosopher)

The Happiest Boy is a song I’ve had kicking around for about three years, probably written initially in late 2004. It was almost included in the setlist of my ‘Pyjamarama’ show (Melbourne Comedy Festival 2005) but at the last minute I left it out because I didn’t think it was funny enough. For this reason, it didn’t tend to get played live very much, until more recently, being included in my 2006 Melbourne Fringe Festival show. I spent a lot of time honing the lyrics, and finding the right blend of pop culture references. For the recorded version, I also included the extended bridge instrumental section, making way for this Spring’s secret weapon – Michael O’Connor on double flute solo! (Finger on the pulse? I gave the pulse the finger.)

On the track I play Jeff the twelve string guitar which I borrowed from ex Harmonica Lewinski’s band mate Adam Forbes. The vocals and guitar were initially recorded by my uncle, Ken Heazlewood (In Bed With My Doona) at his HumbleHouse Studios in Emu Plains. All additional recording and producing was done by Martin “Moose” Lubran at Mystic Moose Studios, South Yarra. This was no mean feat as the song wasn’t played to a click track and he had to personally track the drums to fit some thirty different tempo changes within the song. (I couldn’t decide!) It was mastered by Crystal Mastering in Melbourne.



Roxette – She’s Got The Look

“Fire in the ice, naked to the T-bone
Is a lover’s disguise, banging on the head drum
Shaking like a mad bull, she’s got the look”
(LapTopping recommends viewing the rest of the lyrics, possibly the most dire in pop song history.) http://www.lyrics007.com/Roxette%20Lyrics/The%20Look%20Lyrics.html




During one of the sensitive scenes between Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze, Bill Murray bursts in with lasers a-blazing, and sends Swayze packing into the ghost toaster. Later, in that scene where Whoopi Goldberg is channelling Swayze, and he and Demi Moore have a pash, it turns out to be Slimer.


Doc and Marty muck up the controls, and end up in the future as foreseen by Terminator 2. They’re in the middle of one of those ‘machine VS man’ laser battles. Doc’s hair gets singed by a passing bullet, hilarity ensues and Marty ends up towing the car on his hover skateboard, narrowly getting them to the necessary 88mph. (Where they are sent back to the Terminator 2 ‘present,’ and end up in the truck / motorbike chase sequence.)


During a pivotal battle scene between Optimus Prime and Megatron, Herbie skulks into shot and squirts oil on Megatron’s foot. Megatron is annoyed.
He picks Herbie up, and puts him into a drum of acid.
(Note: For those who may be unfamiliar, In Who Framed Roger Rabbit one of the saddest film moments ever occurs when the bad guy does the same thing with a little squeaky shoe.)


V takes his mask off and suddenly he’s Jim Carrey who is still playing Andy Kaufmann who is actually behind the entire revolution thing. At the end, all the bombs go off but they’re only fireworks and everyone gets milk and cookies.


Shop girl could only be saved if at some point, Steve Martin and Claire Danes looked at each other and went all meta-fictional and out of character and said ‘What are we doing? This film stinks.’ The latter half of the movie is the real life adventure behind the scenes of such an average film being made, al la Tristram Shandy.



From Anna Knight, Melbourne

I overheard two girls having this conversation over a photocopier at Melbourne University:

Private School Girl 1: Yeah, like, I don’t think I’m even gonna go to the lecture. It’s so boring.
Private School Girl 2: Yeah…what’s it about?
Private School Girl 1: Civil Rights.

From Happy Monkey, of Perth.

Heard this in the ladies’ toilets while on holidays in Melbourne:

“This is the second best wee I’ve ever had in my LIFE!”

From Jane Gregory, of Melbourne.
Two guys on the 86 tram on mothers day.

Guy1: Did you call your mum from that phone in the hall?
Guy2: Yeah, spoke to her this morning. You?
Guy1: Nah, my mum’s in Phillip Island and you can’t dial overseas from that phone.

Have you overheard some memorable conversation of late? Perhaps witnessed a member of the ‘peeps’ doing something comical or weird? Let Bev know at laptopping@bedroomphilosopher.com. Include your home city or town.


From Alysha Holder.

My converse all stars finally called it a day. (Today as a matter of fact). I had finally just gotten them to that perfect shoe stage where they were worn in enough to be comfy, and didn’t make me look like a nutter because they weren’t still blindingly white and clean. Anyway, I was trying on some new shoes in Myer and the sales assistants were giving my shoes dirty looks because they didn’t approve of them or something. Or maybe it was me. I don’t really know. But what I do know is that when I pulled them back on, this little rip that had been there for so long without harm, finally let loose and tore all the way along the heel making them sort of impossible to wear. I suppose my shoes were a little offended that I was buying new ones right in front of them.

Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the
LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev with your home city or town:



Several phrases people have typed into Google to land on my website lately:
(In the month of August ‘Sandra Sully nude’ was the third most popular phrase to find my site. I suppose by typing that I’m not really helping the problem.)

“turnip bum”
“im so crisp lyrics”
“kid ate raw bacon”
“what did ravishing rick rude say about big boss mans mother”
“camp quality giggle ball”
“best thickshakes in Melbourne”
“jatz biscuit cake”
“kiddie dinosaur myspace skin”
“how do i remove ribena from a white carpet”
“poems about surf lifesavers”
“funny wallaby pictures”
“how to write a first kiss in a short story”
“recipe for cheesymite scrolls”
“where can i get cruskits in Malaysia” (I promise I don’t make these up)
“suing your wedding mc”
“burnie hot girls”
“sleeping with someone because you are lonely”
“kamikaze pilot fake suicide folk song”



Dan Ilic (Ronnie Johns – I’m So Post Modern film clip) has made a great ad for GetUP! Australia which mocks the Howard Government’s current climate change propaganda. They raised $200, 000 in three days to air the film clip on Grand Final day.

I’d like to include a quality ‘Internet joke’ courtesy of James Borman. (Note: From personal experience, I’d suggest that this joke is difficult to pull off when told out loud.)

A Polish immigrant went to the Motor Registry to apply for a driver’s license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’

“Can you read this?” the optician asked.

“Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”

Got a tip-off for some e-nuggets? Let us know: laptopping@bedroomphilosopher.com


A GIGGLE OF GIGS (The Happiest Boy Single Launch Tour. Coming to a state near you, providing you live in that state. (Sorry Brisbane and Perth uh…you’re just not in my budget right now, honestly, I think we can see each other soon. You too Darwin.)

* I’m performing a spoken word piece based on the song ‘All tomorrow’s parties’ for the Babble poetry night dedicated to the Velvet Underground’s ‘banana’ album. Bar Open. Wednesday October 3. 8pm.

* I’m supporting Peter Combe (Solo) at his Canberra, Sydney, Wollongong, Newcastle, Launceston and Hobart shows. Check local guides.

* Adelaide Single Launch. (Solo) Thursday October 25. Jive. 181 Hindley St. With The Beards (http://www.myspace.com/thebeardsclub) + Vorn Doolette (http://www.myspace.com/vorndoolette). $10. 8pm.

* Canberra Single Launch. (Solo) Thursday November 1. Toast. 219 London Cct, Civic. With Rafe (http://www.myspace.com/rafemorris). $10. 8pm.

* Hobart Single Launch. (Solo & All Ages) Saturday November 3. The Loft. 142 Liverpool St. With Sam Nicholson (http://www.myspace.com/samjnicholson). $10. 8pm.

* Sydney Single Launch. (Solo) Thursday November 8. The Factory Theatre. 105 Victoria Road, Enmore. With a premium line-up of Richard In Your Mind (http://www.myspace.com/richardinyourmind) + The Crooked Fiddle Band (http://www.myspace.com/thecrookedfiddleband). $12. 8pm.

* Melbourne Single Launch. (Band) Wednesday November 14. The Toff In The Town. 252 Swanston St. With Special Guests Mal Webb (http://www.myspace.com/malwebb1) + Josh Earl (http://www.myspace.com/joshearlisalibrarian). $10. 8pm.


STORYTIME (Brought to you by Kevin 07. Proudly supporting Kevin Spacey’s run into the academy awards. He deserved more for ‘Across The Sea.’ C’mon!)


September 28. Waiting For The Great Leap Forwards Fundraiser – a night of protest songs. Lithuania Club, North Melbourne.

I somewhat ambitiously took on ‘Like Spinning Plates’ by Radiohead, transposing Thom Yorke’s devastating live piano version on guitar. I said that while most protest songs are bold and confident, this is a kind of modern-day ‘lost’ protest song for people who don’t know what to do about Iraq. I wasn’t aware this was a political song until I saw them live (on YouTube…which is lucky, Radiohead are the kind of band who would cancel a YouTube concert – ouch.) Thom dedicates the song to political leaders who have sent troops into Iraq. I asked a lot from my falsetto and had vulnerability in spades. For my second song I did the oft-overlooked John Lennon song ‘Give me some truth’ from his classic ‘Imagine’ album. I asked my delightful lady-partner Anna on stage who was wearing a Yoko wig and glasses and spent the whole song knitting. (It was a vague tribute to the ‘Instant Karma!’ film clip – except we left out the sanitary napkin.) I remembered most of the words, except in the last verse where I blurted ‘I’ve had enough of schizophrenic, ego-centric, paranoi – just google the lyrics’ which earned a small round of applause. A brilliant night was marred by Scod Edgar and I wearing the same country style press-stud shirt. We really need to start calling each other before leaving the house.

September 23. Melba Spiegaltent, Northcote.

I am always a little nervous and bemused when there are elderly people and children in the crowd. Especially when opening with a song called ‘I Know What You’re All Thinking’ which includes the line ‘I wonder if I’ll go to this party tonight I think my ex might be there I’d better send a text.’ Somehow I felt my folk ‘mind reading’ was a little off the boil. During the long dramatic pause in Golden Gaytime I heard a kid say ‘is that it?’ To which I replied ‘no, sadly not.’ I decided to give away some prizes during the set, including a compact sports towel in a container. I noted that its a sad day when even though a girl got my question correct, she didn’t want to get out of her seat to claim the prize, so I had to slide it along the wooden floor. The other prize was a metal Volkswagen money box, which an old lady won by answering the question ‘how crap was that last joke?’ the answer was ‘very.’ Although later the judges conferred and deemed her answer to be a bit harsh. Afterwards, a very sweet and shy thirteen year old girl handed me a copy of my album she’d bought in HMV. I asked her name, and she stood in silence while I signed it.

September 15. Stagedoor Café, Burnie.

This was my second gig in three months in my hometown. The first one back in June was a blast, with a number of old high school pals cheering me on. Tonight I was surprised to see a booking of 24 people from the Savage River Social Club. Savage River can be best described by the long running high school joke which was to turn a light switch on and off rapidly while saying ‘Savage River disco.’ While they weren’t really there to see me, they paid light attention and didn’t talk too much. The other half of the room, including my dear Mum and her neighbour of thirty years were a gracious audience. There were a couple of young boys of about seven, who apparently before my set kept saying ‘when’s the comedian coming on?’ During the dramatic pause in Golden Gayime he turned to his Mum and said ‘this guy’s hilarious!’ Later, during The Happiest Boy, the kid and his Mum wandered past on their way to the bar. I stopped the song and said ‘hey, do you guys want to pause me like a DVD? I can wait till you get back so you don’t miss anything.’ They didn’t really hear me, so I faced the rest of the crowd in a strange two minute stand-off before the Mum returned and was shocked to find us all waiting. ‘I didn’t hear you,’ she said. Later, a bloke said my poster reminded him of Elliot Goblet.

September 13. Royal Oak Hotel, Launceston.

This was my first ever solo gig in Launceston, and Josh Earl came down especially to support, making it a joyous local affair. There was a great moment during I’m So Over Girls when I did my rant about ‘clumsy emotional hang ups’ and one bloke yelled out ‘yes!’ He later came up and said it had been a revelation to hear someone else make the observation, and that it rather awkwardly for him, applied to his partner who was with him at the time. After the gig, a great chap gave me a home-made T-shirt that read ‘Sometimes I don’t listen.’ He said he’d originally made it as an apology to his girlfriend. The Royal Oak treated us extremely well and put us up for the night. The concept of being at the pub and already home was a marvel.

September 14. Corporate Uni gig. Launceston Casino.

The next day I awoke, hungover on Boags Draught, and remembered I’d booked in to do a tour of the Boags Brewery. This was interesting. Outside, they had a giant water silo painted like a can of Boags that read ‘110, 000, 000mls.’ Novel! Having dabbled in home brew, I found the tour fascinating. At one point I accidentally leant over the railing and my glasses ended up inside a bottle of beer! (This did not happen.) The tour guide informed us that there are an esteemed board of directors who taste the beer every morning at 10am (this is when your taste receptors are most active), and I wondered whether other food and beverage companies have the same system. (Imagine hopping into some Stagg Chilli beef or Robitussin on a daily basis?) Later, we got onto the taste testing, where I fired up. I was most excited to discover the ‘latest single’ from Boags – ‘Wizard Smith’s Ale’ which is their go at a Little Creatures / James Squire style drop and most tasty. My pal Dion had call of the day when tasting the Boags Strongarm:
‘This is a Kurt Cobain. Bitter, with very little head.’
The tour guide informed us that there was an optional survey.
Me: I hope name’s multiple choice cos I’m smashed.’ (Me laughing)
Josh: You just cracked yourself up didn’t you?
Me: Yeah.

Later, Josh and I ended up in mainstream AM radio station 7LA. Someone who worked there had seen the gig and said we should go on their ‘local live’ type segment. I’m not sure if it was the hangover, but everyone in there seemed to be screaming at us. It started with the girl on the front desk, who knew us from high school.
Girl: (Probably joking) I had a crush on you in high school.
Me: (no idea what I’m saying) Well I’ll just go back in time and do something about it.
Girl: You’re semi-famous!
Me: Yeah, semi – like a trailer!

We pre-recorded our songs. After I came out of the booth another girl I knew from high school started screaming at us. ‘You’re still doing your little songs for Triple J, I hear them sometimes.’ We were then led into a studio where two young blokes spoke to us in normal tones, doing their best to understand who we were. The red light went on and the red bull kicked in and they started speaking at a ferocious pace. The interview seemed to go for seventeen seconds.
Them: So what are you up to?
Us: Uh. We’re from Burnie.
Them: So, you’re in Launceston.
Us: Yes.
Them: Thanks guys. Check em out on Myspace!

On the way to the Casino sound check (where we were driven by a pony-tailed taxi driver who said the line ‘I didn’t know Courtney Love was up the duff!’) we drove past the local R.S.L. Dion informed us that a Japanese restaurant had just opened up inside – sing about that Alanis! We arrived at the Casino for the ball. It was for the Uni of Tasmania’s education students. Still feeling a little shaky, and having been away from my girlfriend for over a month who was holidaying overseas, I possibly wasn’t in the ideal mood for two hundred raucous young things in satiny gowns. Before the gig there was an awards presentation. I was amazed to see how far raunch culture has come when they announced the ‘T.I.L.F.’ category. This stands for ‘Teacher I’d Like to…’ (y’know) which is an adaptation of the porn reference ‘M.I.L.F’ (Mother I’d Like to…’) Hmmm. On a bright note, Dion won for his year.

The gig was, dare I say it, bootylicious. Firstly, the back half of the room talked over the top. (People were frantically taking photos of each other. I reckon 80% of the noise was people trying to operate digital cameras.) Secondly, they started dancing during ‘What Am I Supposed To Be Doing?’ I was most amused and a little flattered. (After years of quips about how no-one dances during my gigs, I just wasn’t ready for the real thing.) After three seconds of I’m So Post Modern I realised that it didn’t have a beat and nobody cared so I slid into Megan The Vegan which seemed more conducive to the now quite full dance floor. I ended, kinda cruelly, with my acoustic mash-up of Hottest 100 songs, and took a little delight in watching the crowd trying to dance to a song with 30 different tempo changes.

Later, Josh and I tried to get into the James hotel where the after party was, but they wouldn’t accept our expired learners licenses.

My highlight of Launceston was trying to buy a spicy chicken wing thing from a takeaway shop and being offered salt. Dion said that a lot of shops in the area try and up sell you salt, and that one bloke had gone as far as saying ‘Salt – it’s food’s best friend!’



To be added to this Ezine check out www.bedroomphilosopher.com and go to the LapTopping page. (The Last Time You Cried field is down temporarily.)

Last time someone cried: Ciaren – “The last time I tried to explain what ‘post modernism’ is to my footy coach.”

This email, and the files transmitted with it, are going down in a blaze of glory and intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are addressed, or perhaps their mate Doug at a squeeze, but seriously mate, get your own email account, I’m bloody sick of sending faxes and I’ve got toner all over my fingers and a man can’t make a sandwich in his own home it’s just not right Doug! It’s just not RIGHT! If you are not the intended recipient, then you are probably Doug! Look, for the last time pal – if you buy tickets to the footy, you don’t photocopy them and throw em around like confetti? No? This blokes written an Ezine and he’s gone to a bit of trouble so the least you can do is sign up mate. I bet if they were offering free beer you’d subscribe to that quicker than I can say Ray Martin’s pyjamas! Yeah? Oh, they are? Get out. What’s the address? www.blogspot.com/whowantsacartonofpowersice It’s got to be a joke doesn’t it? What? Your mate’s a blogger and they’ve checked it out. C’mon Doug, who do you know who blogs – maybe your mate Mickey the plumber. Yeah, Pipes McGee, that’s what we call him at training. By the way are you still right to fix that panelling in the grandstand? Yeah just a few boards have come loose on the lower tier. Yeah few three inch screws should fix it. What’s that? You’ve had a few three inch screws in that grandstand I know mate. You old dog. Look, forget the blog mate, there’s no free beer. What’s that? If I look up gullible on Wikipedia there’s a picture of me? Good one mate, pull the other one. What? You’re serious. You posted it yourself. Where’d you get my photo. Scanned in my license? What? From the other night? I wondered where my wallet went. Mate you’re off your dial. You crazy tool. Hell. Anyway, stop reading over my shoulder. I can smell your lunch. You had that quiche didn’t you? Well I was saving it.
This email message has been humour scanned. Although no humour was detected, East Broome Senior Men’s Table Tennis Association accepts no liability for any consequential damage resulting from whipping you at ping pong. Capiche?

“Fire in the ice, naked to the T-bone
Is a lover’s disguise, banging on the head drum
Shaking like a mad bull, she’s got the look”