LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official E-zine of The Bedroom Philosopher
Monday 8 January 2007
Estimated Reading Time: 12:31
**Vote for Folkstar in JJJ”s Hottest 100!**


We apologise for the unexpected delay in the processing and shipment of this edition of ‘LapTopping.’ This was due to a clerical error, and while all effort was made to maintain the prescribed deadline, there was unavoidable disruption to services which led to temporary system congestion. This in turn caused a customer service technician to waylay some integers key to the literary homogenisation of the aforementioned e-pamphlet. Some Milo was spilt and there was a lot of swearing. Appropriate volunteers have been reprimanded and a full text message enquiry conducted. We apologise for any convenience caused.



“The year 2006 was the year that I fermented the nucleus of my bohemic integrity, circumnavigated my comfort zone in a lo-fi hovercraft of acoustic balsawood and oscillated with the gorgeous nebulous of my lady-kind counterpart. I doused fears, aroused hopes, activated punch lines like ripcords, diving from the burning wreckage of introspection and streamline through the afternoon rock concert of opportunity. I stared into the autumn lake of my memory and found my inner grandparent peering back. I sang, I smoked, I swam, I wrote, I lay awake at night resigned to the fact that my soul’s chipped and crying is a carwash for the heart.”



Happy Birthday Rachel Friend 36 today!
Happy Birthday David Bowie 59 today!
Happy Birthday Elvis 71 today!



Patrons of the lapped top, it would please me no end if I could ask of your person the most gracious favour of nominating my composition to my industry peers.
To vote for ‘Folkstar’ in the JJJ’s Hottest 100 follow the link Dr Yum!
Voting closes Jan 21st.
Note: Folkstar is terrified as it’s next to Beck’s ‘No Complaints’ and doesn’t know what to say.




Popular – Nada Surf

“I’m head of the class
I’m popular
I’m a quarter back
I’m popular”


Everyone loves Movember right? Not all. Some of us lay awake at three in the morning ruefully pawing at the patch above our lip, naked but for a few strands that would barely give a caterpillar puberty blues. Some of us don’t shave for months, unable to conjure up anything more than a patchy beard, giving us the impression of an Amish Jarvis Cocker. Yeah, “Let’s build a barn in the year 2000 – won’t it be strange when the cows have all fully grown?” Don’t think I haven’t considered the options – clag glue and pubes. Who hasn’t heard of the small European town of ‘Claganpubes’ where everyone who couldn’t grow a moustache was banished to during the war. So, rather than become venom, whine and bitters, I have arranged for a:

Thumbroll (on the desk)


LANUARY – Everyone plays online games.

DEBUARY – Nothing but instant mashed potato.

STARCH – Use starch. You could even have a charity tie in: “Decrease your chances of getting cancer.”

CREPRIL – Crepes a-gogo!

YAE – Here ye! It’s nothing but Ye Olde English for a month.

PRUNE – Hop into the overlooked fruit for bowel cancer research!

DY’LIE? – Help raise money for mental health awareness by acting paranoid for a month. Every time someone tells you something, stare at them menacingly and say: ‘Dy’lie? Dy’lie?’

KORGUST – Learn the synthesiser to create awareness about male depression. You’ll be a Nu-man!

DEPPTEMBER – Watch Johnny Depp movies and helps raise money for the little known field of female loin research.

CHOPTOBER – Sideburns for a month! Hoorah! And that’s you too ladies, bangs are back!

NOVENDER – Avoid eating from vending machines and get unfatter.

DECEMDUR – Everyone watches reruns of The Price Is Right.

Got your own themed month? Leave a comment!



From Chris Rees.
“We had to get rid of our piano, because of the smell.”

From James Borman, Melbourne.

I heard this conversation between two too-cool-for-school teenagers on the train.
Girl: I just don’t see how ugly girls get boyfriends
Boy: But that’s just because you’re hot
Girl: Why can’t everybody just look the same?

From Hannah Armstrong, Melbourne.

In Maths class:
“Put your hand out like a chopstick you retard!”

Have you overheard some memorable conversation of late? Perhaps witnessed a member of the ‘peeps’ doing something comical or weird? Let Bev know at laptopping@bedroomphilosopher.com. Include your home city or town.



From Annalise Friend, of Thirroul.

“Well, our washing machine has died. We don’t even know which far off share house it was from. It was oversize, and overused. We spent three weeks carrying loads up the hill to our friends’ house, or succumbing to the $5.50 a load! at our local, snooty laundrette. Then finally, Henry’s Mum bought us a new washing machine. It has fuzzy logic (not sure if this is good in terms of lint.) It makes melodious tones. It only has one energy rating star but is meant to be good on water. When she dropped it off we managed to have the worst in-law’s scenario possible, as wheeling the old machine out revealed much behind-the-machine debris (lots of socks and hair bands.) Whilst listening to his Mum’s anxious stream of conversation Henry managed to tip the foul, putrefied water from the old washing machine on his Mum’s partner’s foot.”


Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the
LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev with your location:


Several phrases people have typed into Google to land on my website lately:

“how to make a rockstar outfit”
“garry coleman Adelaide”
“meet nerds Canberra
“how to beat centrelink”
“nudey new years”
“flaming balls of jelly”
“marilyn manson bloodtype”
“lesbians in nothing”
“terrorising clouds”
“how to make thickshakes”
“doiley of surf”
“massage for insomnia”
“seven marbles and kid”
“liking womans harry armpits”
“dion mccall is hot”
“compress cuddling”
“best sideburn length”
“awkward guys”



THAT’S LIFE MAGAZINE (Issue 12. March 22, 2006)

I wish to refer to the ‘You’re Not Alone’ column, written by ‘Susan’ who is “a psychologist with over 25 years experience.” (Her bi-line also informs us that she’s a wife and mother.)
During the column, giving advice on how to remember people’s names at a party, she says this:

“People who are genuinely interested in others are better at remembering people’s names. This explains why women are better at name remembering than are men. It also explains why men might be better at remembering details about cars and sport.”

If this is Susan’s acute appraisal of the male psyche then I think she should retool her bio as a ‘psychologist with over 25 years experience of being sexist and narrow minded.’ Perhaps Susan’s ‘gift’ would be better utilised on the pub comedy circuit, where each sensitive appraisal could be followed with ‘you know what I’m talkin’ about don’t you ladies?’ or ‘how Aussie’s that?’ If ‘That’s Life’ for Susan, then I will make a point to avoid wandering into the 1950’s redneck suburbia of her existence. That’s if I remember at all, as currently all I can see is a pair of Holden and Ford transformer robots playing kick to kick.

DO YOU HAVE A MEDIA WATCH? Send us the link or hardcopy and we’ll sort it out. For more info contact Bev at laptopping@bedroomphilosopher.com



Congratulations to Steph Hall who’s red block hit the wall after a staggering 105.642 seconds.
Celia Carberry says: “I think games should be put at the end, so I won’t have to finish the email really fast to play the square game.”
Ben Pobje says: “I just wanted to say that when I was five, I spent the night in Sarah Blasko’s bedroom. This is true.”

Emilie Zoey Baker says Happy New Beeswax with this rare insight:

Jack Fuller suggests this Onion article could make for an Inanimate Object notice:

Got a tip-off for some e-nuggets? Let us know: laptopping@bedroomphilosopher.com


A GIGGLE OF GIGS (Melbourne)

• Sunday 14th January. The Oyster Club @ The Spanish Club: 59 Johnston St Fitzroy. $7ish. The Oyster Club is a cavalcade of alt-comedy and prog-performance that is drastically refreshing and theoretically vital! Did I mention it’s new? Check it: http://www.myspace.com/theoysterclub

• Friday 26th January. Lilyworld Stage. Big Day Out. Sydney. Not sure of my playing time yet. Come and see my stubby weaving techniquery!

• Sunday 28th January. Lilyworld Stage. Big Day Out. Melbourne. Not sure of my playing time yet. As above but with lattes.


STORYTIME (Brought to you by Cindy Syntax’s Myspace ‘About Me’ Generator. “Making you sound like you haven’t painfully over thought your personality since 2006.”)


One of the first things Nan said when I walked in the door.
“You remind me of someone. A bushranger. Who was he? I’ll have to get you a comb.”

Nan telling me that she’d listened to my album recently.
“I really like I’m So Post MODEM”

Mum assisting me in the making of a salad to go with my steak and chips.
“Let’s look at the lettuce.”

Nan watching ‘At The Movies.’
“We don’t do enough of this in our lives. We don’t do enough of this…culture. It’s always been in my system.”

Pop, who was very sick in hospital.
“It’s funny, but I’ve been thinking about pin cushions and robots. I’m like a pin cushion, I’ve had that many needles in me. And I was thinking earlier that all the nurses were like robots, coming and going all the time, in and out, like robots.”

Nan, introducing everyone, including my girlfriend, to the doctor.
“That’s my daughter Maureen and her son Justin and his little friend Anna.”

The Vet, after he’d told us how sick Misty was.
“Now, I’m going to have to ask you, did you bring her in today to be put down? Because I’m not going to talk you out of it.”

The dialogue of one of the local Tasmanian ads for a furniture place.
“Here at Ron’s discount furniture we’re having a hands on sale, if you can get your hands on it, it’s on sale, (see two dubious looking co-workers wander into shot, the main guy grabs them by their collars) and I mean everything!” (Later in the ad, see main guy bound and gagged, being wheeled out on a table by the co-workers).

A cricket official talking about Shane Warne.
“He’s played a huge part in everything he’s done.”

A woman, mid-conversation, that I whizzed past in Burnie K-mart.
“You’ve really got to get onto a rash.”

A guy’s t-shirt in the local pub.
“An awkward morning is better than a boring night.”

My friend Dion spinning the raffle wheel briefly before being asked to leave.
“Number four, drink up all you whores.”

The woman on the Redline Coach explaining why the seat I’d saved had been stolen.
“I’ve got a husband on crutches and a three year old child!”

Tim Rogers, mid-set, who had been tipped off that ‘one of the comedians’ (me) had done an impersonation of him.
“I’m gonna find you Charlie Pickering.” (he headbutts the mike)

Charlie Pickering, responding the next day during his Lorne set.
“Two fish were in a tank, and one fish says to the other, “I don’t know how to drive this thing!” The other fish, who was Tim Rogers said “Can I suck your c*ck?”

A girl in the crowd during The Bees who was frantically picking up bottle tops, when we asked her what she was doing.
“They can make wheelchairs out of artificial limbs!”

Andrew Stockdale of Wolfmother, attempting his first piece of banter.
“Yeah, so the world’s getting pretty warm. It’s getting weird. I’d like to go back to a 1970’s environmental plan.”

The founder of the Falls Festival’s Dad, who came out on stage at Lorne after twelve o’clock.
“Now I don’t know if my son will ever have a child. But if he does, before it first suckles on its Mother’s teat, we’re going to take it out into the forest and leave it there for a week. And if it comes back then we’ll know to name it WOLFMOTHER!”

Go to www.bedroomphilosopher.com and say things with words you bucket of ideas!

To be added to this Ezine check out www.bedroomphilosopher.com and go to the LapTopping page.

Last time someone cried: Caroline – “Sunday, I realised my pets are going to die one day and it appalls me.”

Back issues of LapTopping can be witnessed and commented on at www.bedroomphilosopher.com
To be removed from this Ezine send an email to Bev in Admin at:
laptopping@bedroomphilosopher.com with the subject line “Clarity starts at home.”

This turret, and the turrets teleported with it, are existential and extended mouldy for the goose of the indivegimite or entity to zoom they are undressed. Look, Alison, if you’re not the one, then really, I can’t invest so much of my heart and my time to this because I’ve been hurt before and what my life needs now is stability not this flippant bar crawling and three am chance encounters. Oh, don’t cry, don’t you understand, if you are not the intended recipient of my devotion, then you are not permitted to distribute or use this eflail or any of its detachments in any way, except breaststroke. We also beseech thee and request on the king’s orders that you chill out senor and lay off the bacon rolls or someone’s going to advise the sender of the incorrect addressing and the casino will take away your house and there’ll be no Christmas Kevin because you’ve got lymphoid cancer and stuff.

This e-gail message has been virus-scanned, which was quite a shock for Gail as she had no idea how she’d been transferred into data in the first place and you try looking your best with a ruddy great virus scanner sorting through your 1’s and 0’s if you know what I mean. Although no commuter viruses were detected, there were a lot of depressed looking people on the train this morning. LapTopping staff and their immediate friends and enemies accept all responsibility for everything that has ever gone wrong in your life, ever. Including that deep-fried lego incident (it wasn’t the dog after all.) And suggest that you love yourself unconditionally or bake a cake or go overseas or something.

“I’m head of the class
I’m popular
I’m a quarter back
I’m popular”


JOKE OF THE DAY, thanks to Ken Heazlewood

Q. What do you call a mushroom who buys you drinks all night?
A. A fungi to be with.





Now Pooglies Now!

Whew, what’s that smell…oh yeah…desperation.

IN MEMORY OF MISTY (1990-2006)
Who would meow to tell us it was windy outside.