LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official E-zine of The Bedroom Philosopher
Wednesday 26 July 2006
Estimated Reading Time: 10:05
**Supporting Flacco at his upcoming Melbourne shows. Check gigs.**


“It’s Worry Fest 2006 – a low-key, one person affair. Your self-esteem has to be at a certain level to go on the rides, and the desk chair ghost train is a nail-biting disappointment. The wallet finding stage show was tragically hilarious and I had my photo taken with my printer. In my showbag I got a cigarette, a pen that doesn’t work, and some ‘novelty bills.’ I swear the food is microwaved leftovers from last night. The animal display is a restless goldfish and this paragraph got a discouragement award in the juvenile fiction section. I must admit, Worry-Fest is better than last year.”



Happy Birthday Kevin Spacey 47 today!
Happy Birthday Mick Jagger 63 today!
Happy Birthday Carl Jung 131 today!
Happy Birthday Wil Wheaton (Wesley Crusher in Star Trek Next Generation) 34 on Friday!


ON THIS DAY IN 1996 (A reading from my grade ten diary)
“Hey, went round to Josh’s early. We played his Atari 2600! Way cool. Went to school. Practiced for carvery all day. Kristen acting weird today. Don’t think she likes me. Went ‘ome. Wenta work, then to Nan and Pop’s. Later.”


Geggy Tah – Whoever you are.

“All I wanna do is to thank you – even though I don’t know who you are – you let me change lanes while I was driving in my car – whoever you are – I wanna thankyou – whoever you are – I wanna thankyou..”



“George Bush was the school bully.
He wasn’t that tough but he knew all the big kids.
They beat you up for your lunch money.
He uses the money to buy more weaponry.
Building up his slingshot armery.
Then he’d sell them back to the other kids.
He wondered why he got hit in the head with a gumnut.”

2 –FROM ‘TALL POPPIES’ (2002).
“Here come the tall poppies.
Mutant grandfathers.
And they say.
I smell the blood of a successful Australian.
I liked powderfinger when they played at my school.”

3 – FROM ‘ARMY OF VAGUE.’ (2002).
“Our lieutenant slept in.
He said his alarm clock was sabotaged.
Time is the enemy still at large.
And we’ve syncronised our yawning.
The only thing missing is action.
We blend in with the trees in our pyjama greens.
Noting the total disaster of operation whatever.”

“Aussie blokes wanna beat me up.
there’s venom in the denim.
It’s ok for sportsmen to have group showers.
but it’s not cool to look like austin powers.”

5 – FROM ‘FUNNY NOISES.’ (2004).
“I can hear funny noises.
In the room next to me.
Someone’s having fun.
More fun than me.
Someone’s rehearsing for the part of a washing machine.
Someone’s on a trampoline with Darth Vader.
Someone’s in a critical condition.
Someone keeps agreeing.”

From Matt Kelly, Melbourne.
A father saying to his two year old son, “mate, everyone loves a whippet””
An Indian man with a turban on with strong Indian accent, “seriously dude, how weird are japanese people?”

From Emilie Zoey Baker, Melbourne

A man wearing a bum bag saying “And THEN after that she started wearing a miniskirt!”

A little boy saying “I’m 3! but I used to be 2 and a half.”

Overseen by Justin – a couple were using an ATM. The girl was getting cash out, while the boyfriend continually flicked her in the bum with a rubber band.

Said to Justin by a guy on Smith street. “Three hours and forty seven. But who’s counting?”
Said to Justin fifteen seconds later, as he continued to walk away. “Three hours and forty eight minutes.”

Have you overheard some memorable conversation of late? Perhaps witnessed a member of the ‘peeps’ doing something comical or weird? Let Bev know at laptopping@bedroomphilosopher.com



From Bel Sanger of an unknown origin.

“My poor clock radio is sick, the radio still works, but sometimes, (mostly on Tuesdays for some reason, why is that ??), the clock turns from 8:00 to I: – 0 or something of that sort, it makes getting up at 6:30 am difficult. BUT, there is an upside, it seems to be getting better. However, if, in time, it dies, I may need emotional support. Brace yourselves Bel XX.”


Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the
LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev with your location:


Fifteen phrases people have actually typed into Google to land on my website lately:

“weird library customers”
“sesame street hard working dog”
“hello my god this is me singing television”
“eden gaha childhood”
“sweaty laptopping”
“describing a haircut”
“overalls decorated with puff paint”
“bert newton nervous breakdown”
“shoes and socks off Krishna”
“keanu train”
“i am awkward”
“being hurt from love”
“how do you break up with someone Christianity”
“the bedroom philosopher genre”
“giggle stool”



1 – The album ‘Howl’ by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club (2005). A surprisingly stripped back folk-blues affair.

2 – The movie ‘Beyond the Sea’ featuring Kevin Spacey’s star-turn as Bobby Darin. Now showing. (Bev thought it skipped over key details a bit much, but I thought the film justified that, so there’s our ‘David and Margaret’ for the day)

3 – www.beedogs.com (tip-off courtesy of Emilie Zoey Baker)

4 – Velish pre-made soups range. Fairly healthy, hearty and instant.

5 – The Outsider. A one-man stage adaption of the famous Camus existentialist (or nihilist? you decide) novel. Currently playing at the Stork Hotel in Elizabeth Street, Melbourne. My best mate Matt Kelly nails it and is brilliant. It got a four and a half star review in the age. It’s on Wed-Sunday until August 6. Bookings at (03) 9663 6237 A review is at:


A GIGGLE OF GIGS (Melbourne)

• Monday 31 June. Local Spot. It’s Janet Mcleod’s birthday and I’ll be trying new stuff ahoy. A terrific line-up includes Andrew McClelland, Laurence Leung, Michael Chamberlin, Tanya Lossano, Corinne Grant and Duff as MC. 8:30pm $7. Cnr Carlisle and Chapel streets, St Kilda.

• Wednesday 2 June appearing at The Round-Up: Treason & Taxes, a new politically themed comedy evening at The Pony, 68-70 Little Collins Street. Rod Quantock is also appearing. 8:30pm. $10.

• Thursday 10 August – doing a spot for the Melbourne International Film Festival. Forum theatre. Cnr Russel/Flinders St. From 9pm. Free Also appearing are Josh Earl, Andrew McClelland, Michael Chamberlin, Justin Hamilton and Dave Callan.

• Wednesday 16 August supporting Flacco for his ‘Releasing The Imbecile Within’ tour. $15. 9pm. The Cornish Arms ¬163A Sydney Rd, Brunswick. Bookings (03) 9380 8322

• Thursday 17 August supporting Flacco for his ‘Releasing The Imbecile Within’ tour. $15. 8pm. The Mountview Theatre, 56 Smith St, Macedon ¬ bookings (03) 9380 8322

• Friday 18 August Fringe Festival Fundraiser. Special guests include Scod Edgar (Tripod), Josh Earl, The Renegades of Folk and Matt Kelly. The Empress. $10. 9pm. 714 Nicholson St.

• Saturday 19 August supporting Flacco for his ‘Releasing The Imbecile Within’ tour. $15. 9pm. The Rose Restaurant, 220 Great Ocean Rd, Torquay.¬ Bookings (03) 5261 2038


STORYTIME (Brought to you by ‘The cow goes Moog!’ a challenging soundscape that adults and children will tolerate alike)


May 23 – Adelaide – Grace Emily.

In an accurate representation of the financial strains of conducting a tour – I spent the last $12 I had to my name on my thai chicken dinner, placing my life’s financial fate entirely in the hands of the gig. The support were a charismatic coneept band called The Beards, who all sported beards and only sang songs about having beards. ‘Baby’s got a beard’ and ‘who told you to shave off your beard’ were highlights. The gig went rather well. Afterwards, I was approached by the sister of Baterz, an Adelaidian comedic folkster and one of my heroes. I told her that Baterz was one of the closest artists I’ve found to what I do. She said ‘yes, but he wasn’t as scary as you.’
Thanks to Hannah Gadsby for Merch help. And also to Craig Egan, for letting me stay at his place, near ‘The Forest Of Dreams,’ which is, without being harsh, more of an idea really.’

May 27 – Melbourne – East Brunswick Club.

In terms of occasion, one of the biggest gigs of my life. Playing on a huge band stage with state-of-the art sound, in the most culturally and artistically competitive city in Australia. A hyper-healthy turn-out of friends and curious punters witnessed star supports from Josh Earl, Geraldine Quinn and Martin Martini & The Bone Palace Orchestra. There was a mic at the back of the stage, so I ended up MCing proceedings like a haunting cabaret ghost. The extra large stage allowed me to fully realise my opening interpretive dance, which involved a reprise of Nan’s 1970’s ski-suit, worn, with difficulty over the top of my stage pyjamas.

This gig came soon after my Triple J re-telling of the ‘comedy channel star’ story – (https://www.bedroomphilosopher.com/2006/05/12/laptopping-51-cruskits-cruskits-cruskits/)
– and subsequent posting on my website of someone claiming to be the guy’s brother who was going to ‘see me at my Melbourne gig.’ I thus approached the gig with nightmarish visions of being crash-tackled on stage, hitting my head on the drum-kit and dying. My set began with three tall, laddish men standing menacingly at the front of the stage, with defensive arms. Assuming this to be the ‘comedy channel star response team’ I ended up conducting a rambling, awkward conversation with them, suggesting that if we were indeed going to rumble, that we may as well get it over and done with. After what seemed like, and possibly was, hours, they revealed that they had nothing to do with it. (as an aside, the comedy channel star did try to press charges against me for inciting violence, which were not held. I did have to speak to a police officer, who said I didn’t have to give a statement, as he’d heard me talking about it on Triple J, and had a clear understanding of events.)

Saving Myself For Marriage included my use of the drum stool as my ‘base’ which fell apart in my hands as soon as I picked it up. I also managed, much to the awe and confusion of the sound technician, to grab the microphone with one hand, in one movement, and dislodge it from its cord. My two-hour performance was the longest of my life, and towards the end, I stopped halfway through I’m So Post Modern and simply said ‘I’m so tired.’
Thanks to Tammy Nicholson and Hugh McGinlay for Merch help. And Jo Mullins for sound.

May 27 – Hobart – The Venue

This was pretty much a sell-out crowd. Being an all-ages affair, the front rows comprised of a squadron of gallant teenagers. I knew the gig was going to go well when, in the first thirty seconds of the interpretive dance, I’d managed to pull down the fairy lights that adorned the front frame-work of the stage. In what is possibly my strangest gig moment ever, at one point my first long-term girlfriend, who I knew was in the audience, heckled me. I’d said something like ‘it’s not you it’s me’ to the audience, to which she yelled ‘that’s what you told me, when you broke my heart.’ The audience all went ‘ooooh’ and suddenly I was on Springer. Having just told the comedy channel star story, I suggested that perhaps it would be just desserts if she came up on stage and crash tackled me. The hyped up crowd agreed and I sensed as soon as I suggested it, that it would actually happen. Which it did. She ran on stage and tackled me, with guitar, to the ground. I sprained my shoulder, but continued, promising her a Bedroom Philosopher t-shirt to make up for any unrequited heartache. (which she got). Soon after, a teen-gent from the crowd yelled out ‘which was better, losing your virginity or seeing Silverchair?’ referring to the passage in my website biography. At that point I stopped, and pleaded to the audience, with earnestness, to try and understand how surreal my life was.

On top of this, a manic girl at the front of the stage kept whispering ‘Daryl Braithwaite’ at intermittent moments, referring no doubt to my 2003 publicity stunt. I’m So Post Modern was a massive highlight, with most of the young audience surrounding the stage able to recite every single lyric – in turn, revealing my inability to play the song in order anymore. I became a sweaty, bedraggled conducter, saying ‘right, now we’re going to do ‘round the world plane ticket.’ The end of the gig was post apocalyptic, with kids screaming out requests, surreal insults and generally random offerings, and afterwards a kid with curly hair wanted me to sign his library card.
Thanks to Matt Sertori and Jen who organised the gig and wrote an intriguing review, which I’ll include on the website version of this LapTopping.

May 30 – Canberra – Toast

Amazingly, around 150 people turned up on a freezing Canberra Tuesday to witness proceedings, the third of my main ‘bases’ along with Melbourne and Hobart, to reward me with solid numbers. This gig featured quite a lot of ‘stunt glasses’ action. Stunt glasses were conceived when my glasses were trampled on the dance floor at the Melbourne Comedy Festival after-party. (Read: a wine-soaked Justin on his hands and knees, clutching legs and slurring for help, while Andrew McClelland stopped the music to announce the emergency), only to be very competently sticky taped together by my flatmate. This means that the arm can become completely dislodged, sometimes with a random flick of the arm, causing the glasses to become strewn all over the stage. They are then able to be ‘fairly quickly’ repaired. At times, ‘fairly quickly’ is downgraded to ‘quite a while’ when my vision fails me, which is all the time. For some reason, during both my gigs in Canberra this year, I’ve been unable to finish ‘Folkstar’ properly. I must apologise, then feebly suggest that this ‘b-side and rarity’ category of performance is somehow more valuable, then run away.
Thanks to Bruce Ryan for Merch help.

May 31 – Sydney – Hopetoun Hotel

Richard In Your Mind put in an intriguing, blistering set while Pomomofo administered some jaunty, complex beats. I liked this gig a lot, from memory.
Thanks to Leigh Rigozzi for Merch help.

June 2 – Newcastle – Lass O’Gowrie

The only non cover-charge gig equated to a good-looking crowd up front, and a patch of constant chatter up the back. This led me to try my ‘drop the guitar, walk over to where the chatter is, plead with them that I’m about to play a really special song and that I only ask for four minutes of quiet, walk back to the stage and play the song to little avail routine.’ Sometimes I wonder if I have any regard for my own dignity. The Klaff Brothers provided amazing support. This norwiagan folk act play ukulele and whistle and pull off Madonna’s ‘like a prayer’ with ease. After the gig, I swore I’d had my wallet and mobile phone stolen out of my bag, and went into an ill-informed rage, mainly aimed at ‘Newcastle.’ I must apologise, in retrospect, as the items were tucked away in my bag, and I guarantee I have no preconceived malice against Newcastle or its inhabitants. During the gig I kept calling the crowd ‘Fassifern,’ referring to one of the local train station names that I have always found amusing. After the gig, a guy informed me that there used to be a mental hospital there, and in the late seventies, they put on a rock gig which Mental as Anything actually played at.
Thanks to Reichil Cheetham for Merch help. And the folks from the Klaff Bros’
for putting me up at the massive, abandoned bowls club that they live in, along with eight -odd other people, making it the most effortlessly cool living situation I’ve ever seen.

June 4 – Valley Mall – Brisbane

This side-gig involved me playing at 11am, 12pm and 1pm on a Sunday for half-hour intervals, on a small stage in the middle of the Brunwick St Mall markets. My audience consisted mainly of family’s walking past and people eating breakfast. Before I even started I was heckled by a homeless looking guy sitting on the stage who asked if we could ‘keep the house music on.’ Doing my show as background music swang between being surprisingly zen-like, and like the musical comedy version of going to the gym, naked. Highlights included some teenage punks pulling up, sniffing out ‘I’m So Post Modern’ and helping gather a small but receptive audience. After the set, the lads rewarded me with a small glass hedgehog they’d stolen from the markets. I was completely touched. Lowlights included my poor song choice of the Hottest 100 megamix, where I belted out obscene lyrics from “team America theme’ and Martha wainright’s you bl** Motherf*** etc. Appropriately, a dad with his toddlers turned around, disgusted and said ‘there’s family’s here.’ His reaction to the song was marginally better than that of my dear Mother’s, and as in her case, I mumbled feebly something about the integrity of artistic statements.

June 7 – The Troubadour – Brisbane
James O’Brian from the Boat People played a musically intriguing, charming set (they’re song ‘unsettle my heart’ is one of the best Australian songs to come out in a while.) while Namaste Jake dropped some unassuming and inventive funk. The Troubadour is a superior venue, and I described it in a fit of passion as the waiting room for indie heaven. It was a lovely way to finish the tour. Thanks to everyone for helping and watching. Whew. Who wants to organise the next one?


Go to www.bedroomphilosopher.com and say things with words you bucket of ideas!

To be added to this Ezine check out www.bedroomphilosopher.com and go to the LapTopping page. You will be asked for your name, email, and the last time you cried.

Last time someone cried: Tully – “Last night at four in the morning, arriving home from work having been reading Murakami in my breaks and lamenting the near-hopelessness of it all.”
Back issues of LapTopping can be witnessed and commented on at www.bedroomphilosopher.com
To be removed from this Ezine send an email to Bev in Admin at:
laptopping@bedroomphilosopher.com with the subject line “Clarity starts at home.” We’ll be okay. Really.


This email, and the the accompanying mini-series are way confidential and extended solely to the Miami-vice minion’s mince sandwhich maker of yore. Myf Warhurst is the intended recipient, thus, notwithstanding, a sky-writer will knock out a lunchtime quiz of medieval pinball watches and legs eleven should delete all cordial flummoxes by the fourteenth of this sharehouse bin night and the appropriate pigletty fondue attachments.

Customers are advised they may be archived according to facial expressions and ability to fold pants and at no point may responsibility be entered into, or correspondence left in the care of a gorilla themed guardian of yesteryear. If you are familiar with the worms and conditions of this bassoon, then kindly kick the box nearest you, and place it, ignited, in the kindest airbase, or similar playset. Don’t let your budgies nibble on house-ferns, it gives them diarrhea. Certain portions of LapTopping, not effecting the outcome have been padded out to make up the majority of the publication. We built this city, we built this city on stuff and things.
DON’T FORGET – “Whoever you are – I wanna thankyou…”


The Bedroom Philosopher The Venue
A sell out crowd witnessed comic genius Justin Haezlewood play one of his most brilliant and truly bizarre live shows of this, his first National tour. The show contained all the hits including I’m So Post Modern, Megan The Vegan, Folkstar and Centrelink Love Theme – critically the new material on offer suggests his new album will be every bit as great as his debut ‘In Bed With My Doona.’ Of the new stuff the stand outs were:

Folk banquet (right at the start)
Alienz (the one about being abducted by aliens Yeah Nah (the one about bogan blokes) Awkward People (parody of common people) Never get your haircut on Wednesday.

The obvious next single has to be ‘I’m So Over Girls’ which contains the most convoluted poetic verbal gymnastics and word play in its frantic verses alongside a cheesy chorus with the hook ‘I’m so over girls, I’m starting to think they all smell.’ His ability to improvise and run with whatever the audience throw at him is quiet remarkable as his clever putdowns of hecklers who tend to be quiet clever and entertaining in their own right.

At one particularly mental stage (and there were many) he came out of character and said look I’m just being Justin for a moment and said , I can’t believe a guy from the crowd just asked me what was better, seeing silverchair live or losing my virginity’

Throughout the entire gig one girl in the front row continuously whispered the words ‘Daryl Braithwaite’ perhaps a reference to a time he got in the Guinness Book of Records for playing the Horses a record 322 times in a row or a tram (a record that was only recently beaten).

The Bedroom Philosopher with his coke bottle glasses and pyjamas and tie is a bundle of uncomfortable nervous energy. A delicate personality that could crack up and fall apart on stage at any moment, which is nothing compared to the emotionally crippled monosyllabic mental basket case he is off stage.
The most freakish moment of the set arrived when he was talking about losing his virginity (in response to the aforementioned Silverchair comment) and the actual girl he lost his virginity too crash tackled him to the ground mid routine in a segment he admitted later had been unplanned – the audience loved it and thought it part of the show while the artist walked away with a dislocated shoulder that nearly forced him to cancel the rest of the tour – he swears he did not know she was in the audience. Looking at the amount of merchanduise sold and the number of people queing up for autograpghs it is clear Haezlewood is on his way to bigger things – whether his largely improvised routines and self indulgent banter can work in the 5 minute soundbites required of televison and Melbourne comedy clubs remains to be seen, but clearly what he delivers in a 2 hour set is unparaelled by any other performer in Austrlia right now. Haezlewood is the Jarvis Cocker of comedy, intelligent sensitive and the sort of guy that could become really really famous or a serial killer.