LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official Ezine Thing of The Bedroom Philosopher

Sunday March 12 2006
Subscribers: 1120
Estimated Reading Time: 10:24
**Melbourne Welcome Home Gig @ Rob Roy March 23 with Scod from Tripod!**



Happy Birthday James Taylor 57 today!
Happy Birthday Liza Minnelli 59 today!
Happy Birthday Jack Kerouac 83 today!



1. I didn’t have enough finger nails to scratch off the indicator panels on the back of my antibiotics packet.

2. I got a phone message from someone I don’t know at 2am on a Saturday. It was a guy’s voice saying ‘Justin, this is Tina, I really need to talk to you, if you come back, I promise I’ll take down the Christmas decorations.’

3. Due to the design of my phone, sometimes if I leave it in my pocket, the same button being pressed over and over will ensure that it sends out picture messages. Thus, my friend Sam received nineteen copies of my Tasmanian cat, blossom. Nokia’s psychopath-in-training function.

4. I finally snapped at a taxi driver. After countless instances of this classic routine:

Justin: Can I go to (insert address) please?
Taxi driver: ‘how do you get there?’
In a feverish state, and running late, I countered with ‘you tell me, that’s your job.’ I soon regained composure as the taxi driver handed me the street directory.

5. I’ve just discovered that a song from the latest Eels album, ‘Understanding Salesman,’ has exactly the same chords as a section from my song ‘Smells Like Hellyer Spirit’ that I wrote for the Hellyer College Year 12 graduation in 1998. A threatening email will be sent to e@eels.com, regardless of whether that is the correct address.

6. (BONUS) My friend Leigh Rigozzi, while in France, saw Uma Thurman, right after receiving the last LapTopping, “Uma Thermos.” In his words, a good dose of cosmic synchronicity. Beware the power of the pun.



“I’m nothing if not self-deprecating.”
Justin Heazlewood.



From David Blumenstein of Melbourne.

“The cheap CD/double tape deck boom box that lives in our bathroom is dying. It still plays the radio, and one tape deck kind of works, but CDs just make “brrrRRROWWRRWRRRRIPPPPP” noises. Its activities over its long life have included dubbing me mixtapes, recording the first ever playing of The Beatles’ new song “Free As A Bird” (off Anthology 1) and spinning Deep Purple songs for me to sing along to in the shower. Its final major act before “end game” was to play my band’s hot metal song while we filmed our music video on location in a park.

It can never be replaced, but if it has to be, maybe it could be by an even older boom box I find on a nature strip.


Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the
LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev:


(said quickly…..high affectation on last happy)

In this age of treason we get by with a little yelp from our friends.

From the gorgeously astute Maddy Feline, of Wollongong!

1. Seeing ducklings at university and reminiscing on the time I was 4 years old and had vivid fantasies of freezing time and being able to walk on water so I could steal a duckling. NB Seeing rabbits at uni produces comparable happiness, especially when chasing them.

2. Free clothes, especially ones which were found on the road by your drunk friends who thought they belonged to you, and so carried them all the way back to the party screaming “Maddy! Why are you naked??”

3. Playing the typewriter. “clack clack clack ding! clack clack clack ding!”

4. Talking to my cat. Also, walking around the neighbour hood and meeting new cats. You have to have a good eye for spotting them under a tree or something. Then meow, and if they’re friendly, they’ll come over and give you a good rub.

5. Random Valentine’s Day. It comes when you least expect it, always pleases, and has nothing to do with Hallmarks, overpriced dead flowers or cheesy annual traditions.

LapTopping accepts little responsibility for any nonplussment, disappointment,
rejection or apathy experienced during a HAP HAP HAP HAP HAP HAP HAPPY!(TM)
endorsed activity. Submit your 5 point plan to the chortle portal.
(email Bev at laptopping@bedroomphilosopher.com with 5 things that make you
Happy. Or a top 5 of any kind, except ‘schindler’s list pinball games.’)



“smirnoff & chest palpitations”
“snowy chow”
“what primary school did ian Thorpe go to”
“josh canberra girlfriend”
“nuttellex squirrel”
“baggy grey jumper”
“masoganist” (which is funny because it’s misspelt)
“adam gilchrist childhood”
“money wallet average amount trivia”
“merrick and rosso best jokes”


A moment with Kerry, The Metaphysical Drummer.



A delightful plucking from the Bedroom Philosopher mailbag.
(Some letters have been edited.)

From: Alex. (email address disclosed)
To: justin@bedroomphilosopher.com
Date: 22/2/06

Justin heazlewood, i love you. will you marry me? you have to write more or i will come to your house and kill you. ok? ok.
i just got back from a violin lesson.
guess what i did today?? its amazingly amazing.
well, i had swimming in the morning, then school, which is gay and complicated. and at school i had an english essay to write and then double maths and i fell asleep because i was tired because i didnt really sleep last night. and then i had some other gay subject i cant remember then i had softball after school and then i walked home at 5.30 and then, i got home at 6.00 and then i left for violin at 6.30. and then i got back now-ish.
have you seen children of the corn?


A GIGGLE OF GIGS (Melbourne and Adelaide)

• Friday 17th March. Appearing at Laughapoolooza at Umbrella Revolution, Garden of Unearthly Delights, Adelaide Fringe Festival. 11pm. $20? Also featuring Tripod and other superstars of this particular genre.

• Wednesday 22nd March. Appearing at ‘sneak previews’ @ The Butterfly Club Bank street, South Melbourne. $15/$12 also featuring Corinne Grant and Adam Vincent. Last time I played here I forgot the lyrics to ‘I’m So Over Girls’ and it was awkward and now the manager of the venue hates me.

• Thursday 23rd March. FEATURE GIG. Headlining @ The Rob Roy 51 Brunswick Street, Fitzroy. Put this in your diaries or jot on the back of a receipt and throw it at the dog or whatever you people do. Very special guests the authentic strum-smith Scod Edgar (Tripod) & Josh Earl. 8:30pm $8. See you there please? It’s worth seeing Scod and I stand next to each other, it’s like that scene from Back to the Future 2. New songs. New gimmicks. More questionable hair.

• Sunday 26th March. Performing a spot at the Comedy C’mon Down. The Cue. 277 Brunswick Street. Fitzroy. $5. 8pm?

• Monday 27th March. MCing @ The Local. Cnr Carlisle & Chapel Streets, St Kilda. $7. Acts include the wonderful Andy McClelland and Lawrence Leung


STORYTIME (Brought to you by the 2006 Melbourne Commonwealth Games “Because we’re desperate. There’s still tickets available to your own enthusiasm.”)


February 15. University of Canberra Commencement Ceremony, Canberra.

About 600 kids and parents poured into the boiler room. This is the name given to the lecture hall. I was still a bit panicked that my speech would be too jokey. It probably was, but it went down a treat. Highlights included:

“Don’t procrastinate, ever. In fact, do all your assignments in the first week, just to get them out of the way.”

“You may find yourself in a position where you think you can get away with not going to a lecture. Just remind yourself that you’re probably paying anything from $50-100 dollars for it, and there’s no refund if you don’t go. Maybe treat them like ‘gigs’ that you’ve already bought tickets for, and print yourself out actual tickets and keep them in your wallet. Go, ‘all right Maureen Bettle’s doing a literary studies performance in 9B1 at 3 o’clock, and I’ve got the hottest ticket in town!’

“If you’ve just moved here and you’re still harbouring a long term relationship in your home town and find yourself leaving parties early to call them up and sitting in your room alone staring at their photo and crying. End it now.”

The vice-chancellor allegedly laughed, which, apparently, was the main thing. He even put in a plug at the end that I had CD’s for sale, so I think that was a good sign. Afterwards, I was being interviewed by the local magazine ‘Monitor’ (story here) http://www.canberra.edu.au/monitor/reports/200602_oweek/15_commencement.html
When a family approached me including a small, blind, Asian girl. She apparently loved my performance and said she could hear the audience ‘floating around the roof like balloons.’ It was her way of describing laughter.

February 15th Canberra Fringe Festival, Canberra.

Before my gig, there was an ill-advised Elvis impersonator booked. (Not one of the fringier acts that springs to mind…but I guess even the elvis impersonating community has it’s own ‘fringe’) He had been booked to take part in the ‘Eye of the tiger’ song competition where performers, obviously, do their own version of the Survivor classic. ‘Elvis’ apparently assumed someone would provide the backing for him – when this wasn’t forthcoming, he proceeded to do a half hour set, with no eye of the tiger, and the ‘tribute’ consisting of vegas style show tunes coming out of his weeny little kmart cassette stereo, while he wiggled his hips.

Half the audience left.

Every now and then he’d complain about the stereo situation, and I found it hilarious to imagine that it was the real Elvis, and the King had actually managed to defy death and be reanimated, and was complaining about the size of the stereo at his Canberra fringe gig.

When I came on, I had my walkman with me to tape my set, and realised that it had a cassette in it with music on it. I said ‘hang on, I’ve just got to do something’ and set up the walkman, pressed play, and stood there swaying intensely for a few minutes.

The gig was great. I sense I’m achieving a new level of vocal confidence, which is a great thing, and also a new level of onstage confidence, which is a dangerous thing. I ended up talking to a kid in the audience for about five minutes because he’d popped his pepsi can during a pause in one of my songs. I thought I might have traumatised him, but he came up in a karate outfit afterwards and bought an album.

February 16th. Toast Bar and Café, Canberra.

The fact that I actually had about 100 payers turn up early, saw me the calmest I’ve possibly ever been before a major gig. It was a long one, and I got through about thirteen songs, including the little played tune ‘Canberra World.’ I did a marvellous piece of self-hijacking, when I started to play ‘I’m So Post Modern’ and people cheered. I then stopped, and rabbited on about how it used to be a ‘bit’ of mine, to get people to purposefully cheer at the start of a song to make me feel like a big man, and so I could take the piss out of Jet, but now people were genuinely clapping at the start and it was overwhelming. I then got them to do it again, with a countdown, but it was so weird and contrived that I ended up playing Creep for no real reason.

A great moment occurred during ‘Generation ABC.’ I got some lines mucked up and sang ‘Eden Gaha was taken off the air after it left a kid half dead’ (it’s supposed to be mr squiggle was taken off the air after it left a kid half head…he tried to turn his tv upside down and it landed on his head / eden gaha was the quiz master on a little show called vidiot) So then I stopped and joked about how eden gaha was an ‘it’ and started impersonating Eden Gaha as a crazed robot who wanted to kill all children. And somehow blended that impersonation in with bjork, oh yes, because I’d only just made a joke about how much my bjork impression is like the line guy who goes ‘mmmmbah’ in the ‘drawn in white on a green background’ bit. So robo-eden gaha and hybrid bjork/line guy are having a conversation, and eventually ‘fall in love’ and start ‘getting it on.’ Breathy Icelandic mixed with robo Caucasian television presenter. Hot.

February 25th, Mandarin Club, Sydney.

Possibly one of my best gigs. Had a couple of fantastic made up song moments, (improvised songs are coming more frequently and easily these days…) Right at the start a little cluster of girls were being chatty, one of them yelling out ‘take off your pants.’ I promised that it would later happen, and got on with the show. I found, however, that a few songs later I was still noticing the same shrill, oestrogen filled budgie chatter coming from the corner. My recent ‘confidence’ which I discussed previously, led me to, half-way through ‘Love theme from centrelink,’ pull out my lead, walk off stage, (still playing the song) and trundle over to where the girls were. The main offender, who didn’t notice me until I was right next to her squealed with fright and tried to ‘join in’ on the song. However I stopped playing and said, in a telebanking kind of voice ‘If you’d like to hear the rest of the bedroom philosopher’s song ‘love theme from centrelink…listen to it.’ And walked back up on stage, plugged in and finished things off.

A few songs later, same budgies nest, so I stopped and stared at them, and ordered Levins, the event manager, to kick them out. The girls protested, so I had a long chat with them from the stage, making it sound very much like a break-up conversation. I told them that it wasn’t easy for me up on stage, and that I had to use tough love, and that it was better that this happened now rather than down the track. They agreed to be quiet.

Bus alas, a few songs later. I snapped.

I walked off stage, trying to seek a security guard from around the bar area.

(you must realise, that I have had people ejected from gigs before, so I knew it could be done. Once, at the friend in hand, some british backpackers were acting like tossers in the front row before my set. I’d just been handed a box of obscure South African chips that my friend Leigh had found on the street, so I took these up on stage, and made the box talk and said something like ‘Grendley, the safety monster says, if you’re sitting in the front row, don’t talk during the acts’ and then made all the chips go on the backpackers, who proceeded to throw them around and be even more rowdy. I then simply said ‘sam’ (guy running venue) Get security, I want these guys out of here. And three minutes later security appeared and made them leave. The crowd went nuts. ‘If only I had that power in high school” was my final retort.)

No security guard at the Mandarin. I would have to take matters into my own hands. I got up onstage and asked the audience to clap if the girls were disrupting their performance. Clapping was heard. I walked over to the girls, my mind ticking over like the Terminator’s when it’s trying to work out if it can fit into the biker’s biker gear, only I was trying to work out if I could physically pick up and carry out one of the girls. They looked soured and indignant. ‘We won’t talk anymore’ was their response. But this time I just stood there like a disappointed P.E. teacher and said ‘no, I’ve got a two strikes rule, this is it, you’ve got to go.’ And then, one of them snapped, and got up and snarled ‘I’m writing a review for Rolling Stone magazine’ and stormed off, followed by the other girls. The crowd made a jerry springer like reaction. I ended up yelling something clumsy like ‘no stars for you’ still reeling from the fact that she might be telling the truth. My gullibility, especially in times of crisis, reaches dangerous levels. Apparently, she was just some Sydney uni chick, but I’m not totally convinced. I figured that even if she did write a review it would make me sound unstable and interesting. Hey, if Cat Power doesn’t have to play her songs properly, why should I?

Close friends have told me it was a hilarious incident, but that I was possibly a little too harsh on the girls, and that they were genuinely there to see the gig. If any of the girls are reading, and would like to make an apology, please feel free to do so.

Go to www.bedroomphilosopher.com and say things with words!

To be added to this Ezine check out www.bedroomphilosopher.com and go to the LapTopping page. You will be asked for your name, email, and the last time you cried.

Last time someone cried: “Kristy – last night. i was hungover, tired and very emo.”

Back issues of LapTopping can be witnessed and commented on at www.bedroomphilosopher.com
To be removed from this Ezine reply with the subject line “Clarity starts at home”


Don’t worry what other people think about you, because everyone’s too worried about themselves to be ever looking at you THAT closely. You are an infinite rainbow spacebag of cosmic yay-yay. Life is short. Get a wriggle on Pooglet!