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LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official Ezine Thing of The Bedroom Philosopher
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ISSUE 48
Wednesday February 8th 2006
Subscribers: 1114
Estimated Reading Time: 9:45
www.bedroomphilosopher.com
**I’m So Post Modern film clip on Rage Friday 17th Feb starting 11:30pm. Number 72**
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LT BIRTHDAYS!

Happy Birthday James Dean 75 today!
Happy Birthday Garry Coleman 38 today!
Happy Birthday Seth Green 32 today!

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I AM A RINGTONE

‘I’m So Post Modern #72 in Triple J’s Hottest 100.’

Messages of support:

Beverly Cleary, LapTopping Administration.

“My daughter and I were glued to the radio at about 12:30pm when the anthem of a generation came on! And Richard Kingsmill even described Justin as creepy! That was always my first impression. Ha ha. Well done. We’re so proud.”

Kerry The Metaphysical Drummer, LapTopping Special Comments.

“People got problems, I got problems with people, but I just want to wish you well and that’s the way I like it. Tasmania F**k yeah!”

Justin Heazlewood. LapTopping Head-Courtesan.

“On behalf of myself I’d like to vote for everyone who voted. You are number one in my Hottest 100 of life. Technically, that doesn’t really work out, but the competition is rigged – rigged with unconditional love. I remember in 1996, for the end of grade ten party, the soundtrack was the Hottest One Hundred volume three, the one with Wonderwall and ‘I’m on the drug that killed river phoenix’ and I got smashed on warm hahn ice cans and pashed Jennifer Leeson, and…I’m not sure where I was going with this…but the point is I’m very, very chuffed to be included in the 2005 list. But there is news at hand that perhaps surpasses even the number #72 ranking.

You can order the ‘I’m So Post Modern’ Ring tone! Oh yes, the song that was virtually written for the mobile phone can now be enjoyed in polyphonic or standard form. So now you don’t have to go more than a day without hearing that wonderfully repetitive little guitar refrain! Impress your friends and irritate yourself!
http://www.abc.net.au/triplej/hottest100/ringtones/default.htm
(you can click on ‘preview’ it’s worth hearing your other fave songs ‘polyphonified’)
I thought guest programming rage was my life long ambition, but I think my lifetime ambition might have just found me.

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TOP 5 BREAKFAST SHOW HOST COMBINATIONS I’D LIKE TO SEE

1 – Marilyn Manson and Ruth Cracknell
2 – Jack White and Agro.
3 – Scarlett Johansen and Shaun Micallef
4 – Napolean Dynamite and Richie Benaud
5 – Bill Murray and Ben Lee
BONUS 6 – Rachel Hunter and Graham Garden

TOP 5 BREAKFAST SHOW HOST COMBINATIONS I WOULDN’T LIKE TO SEE

1 – Kirstey Alley and Mark Taylor
2 – That late night game show guy and…that’s it.
3 – Ian Thorpe and Cheryl Kernot
4 – Jar Jar Binks and Billy Corgan
5 – Mary-Kate Olsen and Anthony Mundine

Do you have a breakfast show combination to add? Why not go to:
http://www.bedroomphilosopher.com/2006/02/08/laptopping-48-uma-thermos/
and leave a comment Pooglet!

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A WORD PAINTS 1/1000 OF A PICTURE

“While South African batsmen Mark Boucher tried to ground Hogg’s day.”
– A channel seven sports reporter landing one of the finest sporting puns I’ve heard in years.

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LAPTOPPING INANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES
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*****
DEAD
*****

From Matt Kelly, Melbourne.

The relatives and friends of the late Samsung 6kgs Washing Machine regrettably announce its passing.

Donations of flowers can be sent to 537 Lygon St, all those wishing to offer gifts of money are asked to please send their generous donations to the newly established “Royal Society for the Prevention of Matt Smelling Like a Torlet” fund located at the above address. Your gifts will be received with sincere gratitude.

It washed our world. A lot.

(LapTopping staff also suggest a simple gesture for Matt can be the daily use of the word ‘torlet’ instead of ‘toilet.’

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WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
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Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the
LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev:
laptopping@bedroomphilosopher.com

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HAP HAP HAP HAP HAP HAP HAPPY!(TM)
(said quickly…..high affectation on last happy)

In this age of treason we get by with a little yelp from our friends.

From the caustically sublime Amy Stowe of Sydney!

1. The local paper. They come so often that we have a good stash stored up for when we move every six months. (Also, the rubber band is awfully handy for keeping your cous cous box closed and rat-free.)

2. When my God daughter’s parents accidentally taught her to say, “bugger”.

3. Lenny, my bird. He can improvise like no other on Bridge Over the River Kwai and The Mexican Hat Dance.

4. My new next door neighbour. Rough as guts. I’m not sure if you mean to be funny, but you are.

5. My best friend’s hurried emails. She’ll make about a thousand spelling mistakes. The one that made me happiest is when she left the last ‘e’ off lounge suite. So it read, “We bought a new lounge suit on the weekend.” I chuckle and tell Dave and he says, “Oh, how marvellous! Ask if they’ll be ordering a smoking jacket too.”

LapTopping accepts little responsibility for any nonplussment, disappointment,
rejection or apathy experienced during a HAP HAP HAP HAP HAP HAP HAPPY!(TM)
endorsed activity. Submit your 5 point plan to the chortle portal.
(email Bev at laptopping@bedroomphilosopher.com with 5 things that make you
Happy. Or a top 5 of any kind, except ‘nudey keyrings.’)

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TEN PHRASES PEOPLE HAVE ACTUALLY TYPED INTO GOOGLE TO LAND ON MY WEBSITE:

“wees in my bed to be naughty”
“kristian Schmidt”
“microcephalic communities”
“wine shandy”
“edible crayons”
“volkswagen beetle club Tasmania”
“jatz biscuits”
“googy bird”
“syd heylen”
“frullet”

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LET’S GET METAPHYSICAL!
A moment with Kerry, The Metaphysical Drummer.

Joke:
Q.
What
Did
Malcolm
X
Say
When
Nobody
Turned
Up
To
His
21st
Birthday?
A.
This
Is
A
Malfunction

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NEWS (brought to you Frazer Follix’s Personality Beam! Every been sitting next to a stranger at the bus-stop wishing you could insert the personality of a close friend into them and have a decent chat? Now you can. The personality beam stores the DNA make-up of up to three friends. Simply point and shoot, and you will have up to 15 minutes of a familiar persona to talk to, in a strangers body! Now your unconventional sense of humour being appreciated is only a beam away!)

• I beat a Beck song in the hottest 100. I came #72 while ‘Que Onda Guero’ came #75. So I am going to make the statement that I’m bigger than Beck. As they say in football, ‘look at the scoreboard.’ At least now I will have something constructive to say when I meet my idol. ‘Hi. I beat you in the world’s largest music poll. Can I have an autograph?’

• Shane Porteous, the actor who played Dr Terence Elliot in long-running Australian medical drama ‘A Country Practice,’ who features in the last line of ‘I’m So Post Modern,’ emailed me. Firstly, his neighbour contacted me, letting me know that he knew about the song and that I should contact him. I made contact and he replied, saying his kids loved the song but he hadn’t actually heard it yet. I then informed him about the film clip, and whether he’d like to somehow be in it. He said he wasn’t looking ‘for exposure at this stage of his life.’ But agreed to send me a genuine signed fancard. He currently writes for television and is a very cool and nice man. He said he still didn’t really get the smock reference, but didn’t want to get all deconstructionlist about it.

• The I’m So Post Modern film clip has been completed, turned into digi-beta and handed to the ABC in a brown paper bag. It was animated on Mac program Final-cut pro by Ronnie John’s Half Hour’s Dan Ilic. It is a visual and mental karaoke retina puzzle of wonderment. Thankyou humbly to everyone who sent in pictures. Unfortunately not everything could get in, and some things will get in but only be flashed up for a split second. I’ll be emailing everyone individually very soon, just to let you know.

• Film clip shout-outs should go to Frances Lech, Claire Nielsen, Sarah, B.J. and Arden from Adelaide who spent an entire day coming up with about 90 pictures, including accurate representations of the ‘alphabet soup, adolf diggler, art exhibition, santa, vegemite and sleeping bag’ lines. David Blumenstein who rendered an artfully surreal ‘wingdings’ picture, and Tai Snaith who nailed the ‘tattoo of my pin number’ guide-dog and ‘tent tied to a tram.’ Also Lauren who did an intriguing vector rendition of ‘santa in August.’

• My time in ‘The Muggy Cockroach’ (if Sydney was an old style english pub) is coming to an end. I am planning to return permanently to ‘The Tram and Stencil’ (have a guess) March 1st.

• LapTopping subscriber Liv Foley, from Tasmania has written a damning letter:
“I wish to report a fault in recent LapTopping. Being a long subscriber to Laptopping it has come to my recent attention that the “Warnings” at the bottom of each Laptopping have started to repeat themselves. Now, being the witty comic genius you are, I expected better than such. Also its spelt Gandalf not Gandolf.”

In reply, I say, that like some metaphorical panties hidden deep in my sock drawer, the LapTopping disclaimers have for a long time been my secret shame. More often than not, when I get to the end of carving out the fortified text flannel banquet of this e-zine, I am so weary and grass-stained that my delicate head cannot bear the conquest of another seemingly carefree word. I thought I could sort of rotate them and wait for someone to notice. But this is no longer acceptable, and I stand before you, Team Pooglet, with arms outstretched awaiting the lashings of your pure white fury. Etc. Subsequently, the disclaimers are going to be taking a little holiday while Kerry T.M.D. tries to order some new parts from underwater Hong Kong.

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A GIGGLE OF GIGS (Melbourne, Canberra & Sydney)

• Thursday 9th February. Sleepers Almanac Launch. Dantes Upstairs. 6pm. Free. Cnr Gerturde and Napier Streets, Fitzroy. I’m playing for about 10 minutes at the launch of this most awesome new literary journal. I’m also published in it.

• Wednesday 15th February. University of Canberra Commencement Ceremony. Boiler House, Uni of Canberra 11am. I’m speaking for ten minutes to all the first years and the Vice-Chancellor! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

• Wednesday 15th February. Canberra Multicultural Festival. Street Theatre. Childers Street, Acton. 10:30pm.

• Thursday 16th February. FEATURE GIG at Toast Café Bar (Above Electric Shadow Cinemas) Supported by the enigmatic Mr H. $10/$8. Doors open 8pm. Me on about 9:40pm. IF YOU’RE IN CANBERRA, PLEASE COME TO THIS ONE! Bring a pillow or cushion, so you can sit on the dance floor and be comfortable!

• Friday 17th February. I’m So Post Modern film clip DEBUT! Rage. Starts at 11:30pm. I’d predict to be watching between 12:30am-1am. #72. (Warning: Worth taping, as there’s a bit of stuff you can’t get the first time you watch it.)

• Saturday 25th February. FEATURE GIG at the Mandarin Club, Cnr Pitt and Goulburn Streets, Sydney. Possible, totally unconfirmed line-up of potentially (if they agree): The Self-Righteous Brothers, Tug Dumbly, Laura Imbruglia, Pomo Mofo’s and Richard In Your Mind.

• Monday 28th February. Featuring at the Comedy Hole. New comedy night at the Sandringham Hotel, King Street, Newtown. $7? I’m on about 10pm. Definitely the last Sydney gig until the next one.

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STORYTIME (Brought to you by Yosoulf The Talking Stove! Children will love this playful stove who whistles and sings in Russian while teaching them the basics of cooking somehow. 100% pretty safe, guaranteed. Batteries and stuff.)

THE BEDROOM PHILOSOPHER’S TOUR DIARY
FALLS FESTIVAL, MARION BAY 2005.

Thursday 29th…
I drove in with Amy, Burkey and Dion and we were pretty worried they were gonna search the car and find our booze, but I did enough waving around of my backstage pass and telling them we were lost, and that we were the Eagles and they let us through.

Pitching my tent took about an hour and a half. I was all by myself in the VIP area. A beautiful huge paddock valley surrounded by trees where the echo’s of the late afternoon music come to congeal into clouds. It’s my Nan’s one man tent and there’s only really room for a small dwarf and maybe a modest pouch of bullion. I found it kind of comical at first that the tent was all skew-whiff and crap and it was blowing a gale. After a while my fringe kept lashing my eyes and I wanted to weep some.

I was buying a hot potato with filling for dinner and I made the best joke.
Woman buying potato: What is cultured cream? (the sign said ‘cultured cream’)
Woman working in shop: Oh, that just means sour cream, that does.
Me: It’s cream that goes to a lot of art galleries.
Woman buying a potato: (sweet bugger-all)

Friday 30th…

I didn’t play till the next day, so I had a lot of wandering around like a hornless unicorn staring at girls legs and trying to have more fun, to do. At dinner time, my friend Dion and I went backstage and saw The Dandy Warhols and their posse. Another comedian, Tim told us unconfirmed reports that Courtney Taylor-Taylor had been giving someone a foot massage only moments earlier. Courtney Taylor-Taylor had three quarter jeans on and a dark blue windcheater, with a large, elfish hood pulled far over his head. He was deciding what to eat. He said something about the Mongolian soup. He made the words Mongolian soup sound like a very cool thing to say. Dion and I ate our meal in virtual silence opposite the dandy’s who were all sort of hunched forward over the table a bit like how wallabies are when they eat.
Later, their set was somewhat uninspiring, but I might have been tired.

Earlier, watching such a brilliant band as The Shins was a little bit disappointing as well. For starters, they weren’t very loud, possibly a technical issue. And secondly, down in the front crowd area where I was, there was a bunch of squawking drunken teen-hoons with lopsided eyes and harsh haircuts just crapping on about crap the whole time. It was like being at a uni bar without the roof. Some guy offered me a drink from the tube that was coming out of his backpack and that was the point that the day ‘jumped the shark’ for mine.

Saturday 31st

Gig day! Awoke to the scorching Tasmanian sun incinerating my tent. Oh, no, that’s right…it was raining. I’m not very good at diaries. Yes, it was the first time it had been remotely overcast in the three years of Tasmanian Falls Festivals. Yesterday, Adam Hills and Danny Bhoy had got a massive turn-out so I felt pretty optimistic that we’d get a good crowd. Even though we were up against (dramatic horn section) Sarah Blasko! Aha! That she-scoundrel. My haunting muse. Anyway. Let’s get to the gig shall we?

Thankfully, the weather cleared up and some lovely juicy sun was out in force. It was a big crowd. Maybe 1500. I kicked off with my awfully controversial new Christmas joke, which was ‘What do you get if you cross Ricky Ponting, Eminem and Kerry Packer? A guy who’s good at cricket, good at rapping and is a dead mother f**ker. It went okay. First song was Generation ABC. Solid. Second was I’m So Pomo. I desperately wanted to hear cheers when I started playing it, and they came. Now, last year, for those of you who aren’t familiar, You Am I fell apart on stage. Tim Rogers had consumed a bottle of vodka, and was kind of rolling around on the ground, apologising, abusing hippies and getting in scraps with his band, and was eventually dragged off stage. During I’m So Pomo I thought it’d be funny if I paid my own tribute to the incident by recreating the whole thing, by myself. I did this. Eventually putting my guitar down and slapping my face and wrestling myself to the ground. Then, fellow comedians Fin and Andy came and dragged me off stage. Everyone who got it, loved it. Everyone who didn’t, thought I had completely snapped. Everybody won.

Threw in a quick rendition of the Tasmanian ‘Petuna Seafoods’ ad that has the saddest chords of all-time and the words ‘Petuna seafoods.’ Then closed with ‘I’m So Over Girls.’ Which I found it very hard to work out whether the crowd was enjoying or not. Maybe I should rely entirely on this email, that I got after the gig:

hey just. i saw u at the falls yesterday. very awesome. loved it. But i wasnt really sure what u were trying to do. u were messing around a bit, and, dont get me wrong, because it was hilarious, but maybe u would sell more records if u played more songs…??? maybe??? just a thought. i loved it anyway!!! write back with your thoughts please!!!
Tom Pascal.

I didn’t sell as many CD’s as I’d hoped because I sort of forgot to plug them. I came out after the show, and where last year a girl had asked to have my baby, this year offers had been downgraded to two british guys wanting me to sign their ‘bells.’ Liv Foley was actually there and offered this script:
GUY: will you sign my Bel End? You know my tip!!
Justin: the tip of what?
guy: my dick!
Justin: i’m not sure the pen will work
guy: go on
Justin: err…. no thanks

After my set, I was wandering along and a group of about ten 15-16 year old boys slowly approached me, and just stood there, looking at me, like deer. The leader approached me and said ‘Bedroom Philosopher! Can I have a hug’ and he hugged me. Then he said ‘let’s give him a group hug’ and then slowly all the boys began to gather around and they gave me a group hug for about ten seconds. It wasn’t awkward at all, they all seemed content and committed. Then they all stood around and asked me questions, which I answered. And as they all left, they individually came up and gave me another hug. It was probably the most profound experience of my life.

Everyone missed New Year’s Eve. It was 12:04 when we realised that no-one had organised a countdown. There were about 15 little individual countdowns springing up from the 10, 000 strong crowd like vocal sparklers. And, most strangely, the number 10 appeared on the big screen, but that was it, it didn’t change! Just the number 10 for about another ten minutes. Later, I was dancing kind of hazy and out of it, and a girl came up and pointed out the fact that I had a large ring around me where there was no people. I stopped and noticed that this was true. She suggested it was because my aura was negative and I was subconsciously pushing people away.

Happy New Year Australia!

THE END

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LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine check out www.bedroomphilosopher.com and go to the LapTopping page. You will be asked for your name, email, and the last time you cried.

Last time someone cried: Josie – “my birthday (no calls, cards were late, felt forgotten)”

Back issues of LapTopping can be witnessed at www.bedroomphilosopher.com
To be removed from this Ezine reply with the subject line “Clarity starts at home”

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Don’t worry what other people think about you, because everyone’s too worried about themselves to be ever looking at you THAT closely. You are an infinite rainbow spacebag of cosmic yay-yay. Life is short. Get a wriggle on Pooglet!

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