Confessions Of A Nice, Awkward, Lonely Womaniser (2006)
It’s official. The novelty of being single has worn off. Chance encounters of intimacy are being chalked up as vacuous and desperate. The 3am party/bar deal-sealing perve scan is clumsy and unfulfilling. On cold Friday nights there is a lonely patch on the couch where a cuddle-savvy girlfriend should be – a giggling navigator for a rally course of DVD’s – not this calculated scrolling through names in a mobile address book – a photon blast of desire condensed into a sprinkling of digital tickets in the casual sex lottery.
Booty call. For anyone not familiar with the term, this is when you ring up someone, usually late at night, purely because you want to sleep with them. I have been guilty of this. Well, it was more of a vague, rambling, inconclusive booty text. (The kind Mr Darcy would have written, if they had mobile phones in Pride and Prejudice) I find the term categorically hideous – my ex-Christian super ego, unable to accept that complex sensitive me could stoop to such blatantly lame pseudo-sleazy pop culture predictability, only contacting someone because I wanted to ‘pat them like an animal.’ No, no – it’s not about that – it’s about meeting up in a raucous bar and having nervous half-conversations that trail off, and spending $50 on alcohol, and ultimately getting really tired because it’s 2am and you don’t have the courage to say what you really want. That you want to be Captain Intimate with someone and at the end of the day it’s only physical.
*Sigh*. I was born with enough hormones to power a queen-size planet. The axis of my heart oscillates with such terminal velocity, that luminous rainbow vapours spiral through my eyes like galaxy tides.
You know those nights where you feel so lonely you could die?
Someone once said that sex is never purely physical, no matter who you’re with, and that no one-night-stand is devoid of emotional attachment. At the time I agreed, though I’m not so sure these days. I had my idealism towards ‘romance’ burnt out of me temporarily by the electro-shock intensity of a couple of emotionally manipulative relationships – coupled with increased personal confidence through my own performance art – for the last three years I’ve been able to enter the once pathologically daunting singles scene and tailor my own emotional output to enjoy the improvisational lust-theatre without too many murky spiritual hangovers.
I was once alerted to the rumour that I act awkward and lonely to get girls to sleep with me. I took the accusation rather heavily – and internally allowed myself a brief, half-bitter chuckle at the notion that someone who had vowed to be with one woman for the rest of his life had ended up with the street credibility of an indie-nerd Hugh Hefner. My only response was ‘what if I really am awkward and lonely?’
Along the way, I have found myself utilising the disclaiming mantra of ‘I’m not really looking for a relationship at the moment,’ which seems like a valid, earnest, get out of jail free card, until you think about it for a second – what a flimsy concept! All it means is ‘If I liked you enough, I’d try and have a relationship with you, but I obviously only like you enough to sleep with you,’ it’s a terrible, but true, premise.
The blurry, ambiguous, confusing ‘seeing each other’ scene has been an intriguing and tumultuous vortex for the last three years, but it’s something I feel I’ve outgrown. I want comfort. Stability. Waking up with someone smiling at me who loves every cubic centimetre of my soul – and who I feel like I’ve known for years.
Vive la girlfriend!
awww… that sounds kind of sweet… some girls don’t mind awkward guys, either.
it sometimes makes us feel… more on your level. At least the ones that are easy-going, not too high-up for anyone.
hmmm… yes, you sound a bit lonely 🙁
but at the same time thoughtful 🙂
so i like the ideas you got…
yes, kinda sensitive topic… but most of us go through it at some stage of another, you just have a more creative way of expressing it.
good one 🙂
Aw…I read this in BMA today and then noticed your my space address down the bottom of it, silly question but have you had any girls interested in you over the net? I mean I thought there might be some who find your writings entertaining and would very much like to meet you. I was single for about 2 years and then suddenly I was fighting them all off with a stick, I think everyone goes through a draught sometime in their life, and besides, you have more going for yourself than quite a few other guys. 😛
Aww… I’d go out with you…
On a serious note. “What if I really am awkward and lonely” is awsome. It reminds me of something a suicide councelor told a kid in school once.
kid: “If the kid told me he was going to kill himself I’d tell him to go ahead, after all, he’s just trying to get attention”
councelor: “So you’d let a person die rather than give them attention?”
On a less serious note… B flat
I like that..it reminds me of high school. In yr7 there was this kid that was being constantly bullied and he told one of my friends that he wanted to kill himself. That friend told another person and so the rumour spread and so the kids bullied him more saying that he should just hurry up and kill himself instead of trying to get attention. A week later he disapeared and he never came back to school.
It’s really sad to see how kids respond to suicide threats…instead of taking it seriously they take it as a joke.
I can’t believe I’m going to say this because I hate it when people say it to me.
I know what you mean.
(Feel free to throw rotten fish or broken lightbulbs in my general direction at the Falls Festival this year if you like. hint hint lol :))
Veux-tu sortir avec moi?
Aw monsieur, there are so many people out there that want to look into your eyes every morning…huzzah for coffee and dressing gowns.
Fuzzy ones, at that.
Self realisation can suck sometimes can’t it? But it’s part of becoming a better person. So it’s a good ‘un.
I definitely have some work to do in the doing better department myself.
I like you Mr. H.
I like you a lot.
Thanks everyone. I actually have a very special lady partner at the moment. (And no, it’s not just me in a dress). In my head, I thought the article was expressing that fact – but I understand that I left it a bit aloof. I’m not really that lonely, no more than usual. I’m just endlessly fascinated with the ‘murky world of casual dating’ and like the challenge of trapping it in writing. Oh Andy, I like you too.
Is it Scot Edgar or Josh Earls in a dress?
Just kidding Just, I’m so glad for you!
I hope you make each other really happy =)
Stay clean kiddo!
yeah good stuff… we’re all very happy for you that its not just you in a dress!
have fun now… 🙂
kiddo, heh. maaaaan i hate that word.
get out, you!
yeah when it comes down to it all i believe that’s what we all need; to have someone there. To shied us from all 2am- stomach-tuning-lonely-wriggles and share a coffee with in the mornings.
perhaps same music tastes, (radiohead a must) and must know who Michel Gondry is and..hhhm yess…
why can’t we just all be penguins!! cries*
I don’t really like The Decembrists, so I’m presuming that’ll keep me out of a lot of pants. Pants to that! My rules are must laugh at 65% of my jokes or above and must like cats a fair bit and finger strength for a good massage.