Welcome Pixel Cutey! Play my new game ROCK STAR NAME! BAND NAME! HIT SINGLE!
How to play:
A) Work out your rock star name. FIRST NAME: This is your nan or pop’s first name hyphenated with your SECOND pet’s name. SURNAME: Your second ever street name. For example, my Pop’s name is Leonard. My second ever pet was a cat called Snowy. My second ever street name was Totterdell. Therefore, my rock star name is Leonard-Snowy Totterdell.
(NOTE: If you’ve only ever had one pet, or street name, take that. If you’ve never had a pet or street, contact administration for further counselling)
B) Work out your band name. To do this, you need to find an anagram of your full name (middle name too). The best way to do this is to download BLACKDOG’S ANAGRAM GENERATOR here: http://blackdog4kids.com/games/word/martin.mamo/
(You may have to download a little runtime program for it to work, it may take about five minutes)
Once you have it running. Type in your full name and hit ‘anagram now’ pick the one that you like best. For example, Justin Marcus Heazlewood becomes:
SIMULTANEOUS CHOW DAZE JR.
C) Work out the title of your hit single. This must come from a sentence in the last text message you received. It can be a word, fragment, or the whole sentence. For example, the last text I received was from Tom Doig, and I have taken “Come play on Thursday.”
Send in your entries in this format.
Name: Justin Marcus Heazlewood
Rock star name: Leonard-Snowy Totterdell.
Band name: Simultaneous Chow Daze Jr.
Hit Single: “Come play on Thursday.”
Send in to Bev at: laptopping@bedroomphilosopher.com and we’ll publish them!
(brought to you by Fugretch Caravan Park and Holiday inn, now with new improved games room. We’ve turned an old tumble dryer into a ‘mini-gravatron’ for the kids!)
• I have successfully relocated to Sydney. Tremendous gratitude must go to Fiona Scott-Norman who connected me to her friend with a lovely housing commission place in Alexandria. It is $30 a week. Thanks be to Killer Kilmurray, who put me in touch with a guy who needs to stay in my room in Melbourne roughly the same amount of time I need to be in Sydney. I’m paying $30 a week to live in two cities at once. I can never complain again, ever.
• I regret to announce that Writing Beard has been axed. Bedroom Philosopher executives said that due to a ‘bald patch that just wouldn’t go away,’ the facial hair was losing ratings in the key ’25 year old Tasmanian’ demographic. Beard fans can seek solace in the fact that the spin off series Wispy Moustache has had it’s contract renewed.
• The show is rating well. Last week we beat Merrick and Rosso in Melbourne. One week we picked up 100, 000 viewers. It wasn’t axed, just resting because of the soccer. Sketches I’ve had in so far include: Social suicide bomber (which the Herald sun declared as one of the worst sketches, while panning the show), Chicken Parmajana’s (which two people have said were ripped off from Shaun Micallef. I have no idea, any light on the matter would be appreciated), Grand-dad’s ashes cricket game, Chopper weather (co-written), Nihilist Aerobics/comedy night (the moody german dudes), Inner monologue (homeless, pizza, Christmas, co-written), improved bon-bon’s (coming up), bad comedian Olympics. The last show is this Wednesday, it takes a break until February I think.
• I’m trialling as the warm up guy on live nights. A live night is where they film a few sketches in front of a studio audience, and show them prepackaged sketches for them to laugh at. I’ve done it once so far. It was easily the hardest two hours of my life. Anyone who’s seen me perform will appreciate how perilous it is at the best of times, imagine me with an earpiece in one ear listening to the director, running my own ‘over their heads’ festival, while waving a bag of Australian idol glowsticks and Neighbours mugs in front a sea of pawing hands. At one stage I said ‘It was remembrance day today and I forgot the minute’s silence – and my pop was in the war,’ A young guy chirped ‘why don’t you have a minute’s silence now?’ He earned himself an ill fitting channel 10 T-shirt
• I am making good money for the first time in my life. It has not changed me, just allowed me to buy myself new basic things like expensive walking shoes, Tontine pillows, a guitar tuner and a leather wallet. I am at a critical level of risk of losing my newstart poverty-chic street cred.
* I was recently offered a complimentary full body massage by the good people at BODYINC. They are very good. Sommerset Gordan Place 24 Little Bourke St Melbourne. They have a jacuzzi, heated pool and sauna. Why not treat yourself? Call 03.9654 8829. (I’d never had a professional massage so I left my bathers on underneath my towel – I don’t think you’re meant to do that)
* Recommended website – http://www.nakedfella.com/animation/mrflig/ – David Blumenstein’s brilliantly hilarious animation series. (requires flash)
Your show sux dead dogs dix, it should get f*cking axed you cocksmokers. I am telling all my mates to never watch the Merrick and Rosso show again.
I agree! Justin Marcus Heazlewood, you should stop smoking cock! Haven’t you seen the government adds?? We care about you Justin Marcus Heazlewood, don’t throw your life away!
Dear Big Jay,
Thankyou for your correspondence on my website. I appreciate your comments. In regards to your criticism that my show ‘sux dead dogs dix’ I just thought I’d point out that I’m writing for ‘The Ronnie Johns Half Hour,” not Merrick and Rosso as you are claiming. You are more than welcome to urge your acquaintances to cease watching Merrick and Rosso, but I daresay it will not effect myself, or the immediate group of ‘cocksmokers’ that you are mistakenly concluding that I am associated with.
Best of luck with your future televisual pursuits.
regards, Justin.
Dear Celia May,
Thankyou for your comments on my website. I will grant you some poetic licence and jump to the conclusion that by suggesting I should ‘stop smoking cock’ you are making a reference towards the fact I am writing for a commercial television show, and in the process may be ‘sacrificing’ my artistic integrity by metaphorically placing a penis in my mouth that may belong to a Channel 10 CEO, or one of their associates.
Let me say, that I appreciate your concern. Your criticism is an interesting one, and I would invite you to elaborate further on what exactly it is that you are worried about. By ‘throwing my life away’ do you mean, be enticed by the increased television wage, cease touring, writing and doing all things Bedroom Philosopher, shack up with some interesting camerawoman, have a couple of bubs and take jobs writing scripts for funniest home videos, just to pay off my north shore apartment? I do not think this will happen.
If you are concerned that, by pouring the majority of my creative energy into a program that may not necessarily appear to accurately facilitate the unique aspects of my humour, that I will either lose the mojo for my own comedy writing, or grow frustrated, or bitter – I can assure you one thing, that no one person on this planet is more concerned of these potential outcomes than Justin Marcus Heazlewood.
I am still writing my column and e-zine, planning the next Melbourne Comedy Festival Show and a new studio album, and generally going along as I always have – the only difference is I have a rare opportunity to have some of my sketches published on national television. This is an opportunity that I do not take lightly.
I am not ‘opening up my mouth to anyone’s member.’ And if you wish to maintain an intellectual arrogance that you are more aware of my own motivations and actions than I am, then please – let’s have a cup of tea and you can answer several questions about my current relationships for me, for I could always use an extra pair of nervous hands.
If you do not enjoy the Ronnie Johns Show, then why not purchase my album ‘In Bed WIth My Doona’ and try and continue your cock smoking witch hunt. I daresay you will come up empty. If anyone, it’s been Centrelink I’ve been going down on for the last five to six years.
Good day to you,
regards,
Justin.
The Ronnie Johns Half Hour is fantastic!! Great to see it has even rated better then Merrick and Rosso… Although I really don’t agree with the previous comments about how bad that show is. Congratulations on the sucess! 🙂
…I was just being a smart arse. I think Big Jay is a bit of a silly duffer. I don’t know anyone who says “cock smoker” or anything like that, it sparked my imagination. I’m quite a nice girl really, with a name like Celia May how could I not be?
You’re tops Justin.
I think Celia May is a delightful name and I daresay it is attached to an equally delightful girl.
There, I’ve said it.
I saw you last night at the hopetoun hotel in surry hills, one of my favourite pubs. i’m glad that in my loyalty to friends also playing last nyt i came across your act, you had me laughing so much it hurt 🙂 Keep up the good work
Thanks Celia May – “over-sensative man” and his tenuous wafer fin sidekick “ego boy” were all over that one like a rabid crab. Cocksmoking was the real winner on the day. Thankyou Sinead. Thankyou Janet, you are delightfultine. Loz – glad you witnessed! Any gig that has a Wolfmother inspired interpretive dance is usually a keeper. I hope the proprieters of the hopetoun feel the same. I am also brimming at the seams with glee that the fact that I said my website at the end actually worked! Bless the power of letters and words and mouth sounds. xx
I truly can’t tell whether I’m in trouble or not. I’m thinking “I am”. Isn’t “thankyou” two words? I suppose you eccentrics can do whatever they like.
Can crabs get rabies? Would a rabid crab get all over a series of zero’s and one’s (my comment)? WOULDN’T A RABID CRAB HAVE OTHER THINGS ON IT’S SWEET LITTLE MIND???
Cocksmoking will never win at anything because cockmoking is STUPID and probably has some serious physical ailments that would prevent it winning at anything, like discus maybe.
I’ve lost my nice personality. Sorry Janet.
-celia may
Celia May, please remain nice – Oh no, I was mainly putting myself down really – lampooning the fact that I had over-reacted rather dramatically to what you had written, not realising at all that you were joking. That’s all I meant. Nobody’s in trouble except for Big Jay who, at last reports, burnt his house down cooking crumpets. Thank you is two words, I apologise. Warm Regards, Justin.
JM+CM Best friends forever!
Justin is my fiance and you cant take him away from me okay, celia? OKAY, CELIA? Good. I’m glad we got this sorted.
Oh by the way justin sweety, what’s the official date of the wedding?
This has nothing to do with the news but I was thinking that you could release a lame ass version of I’m So Postmodern with lyrics written by your dweeby fans. Jokes, don’t get so excited.
Dear Jessie, Thankyou for your correspondance on my website. I would like to focus for a short time on your highly americanised terms ‘lame-ass’ and ‘dweeby’ and suggest that your are, in your own supposedly light-hearted way, attempting to belittle the previous Bedroom Philosopher appreciators that have posted on this page already, as well as indirectly lampooning myself, in the suggestion that people who are uniquely attracted to my craft are primarily, dweeby.
Might I remind you that such name-calling, albeit under a veil of ‘jokes,’ clearly adopts classic pseudo high-school ‘bullying’ psychology. (Adopting an intellectual superiority while diverting focus away from yourself) While virtually all outpourings of emotion on this website are welcomed with open arms – I am not suggesting that fair and subjective critisism is prohibited, I am simply urging that if there are indeed specific tones or themes expressed by posters that challenge your ideologies of what is socially heralded in your own personal ‘sphere of cool,’ then at least have the decorum to respect the collective audience by establishing a personal precedent of articulation.
Alternatively, you could post some of your own alternate lyrics to the latest Strokes song, or appropriately ‘non-dweeby’ act, and volunteer yourself to initiate a series of artistic judgement from those you so readily scorn.
Warm regards, Justin.
Dear Justin,
I would like, please, to thank you.
You absolute bloody ripper, I love you so hard.
Again, how much would it take to hire you as a teacher?
dear justin,
justin
let’s write a sketch about the phrase “dead dogs dix”. i love it.
If your going to save the best for last cant you make the sketch longer no one says fuck better than ronnie johns cheers from a bogan
We love the Ronnie Johns Half Hour! Chopper is awesome! Keep up the great Work!
Hi Justin,
Thought you might like to know that for TWO WHOLE DAYS the only way my sister and i conversed was by beginning any conversation with “I’m so post modern (actual conversation) and a funny post modern scenario”.
Possibly the funniest two whole days of my life. Thankyou (i think it might be one word)