LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official Ezine Thing of The Bedroom Philosopher

Wednesday 14th September 2005
Subscribers: 961
Estimated Reading Time: 9:12 (can be refunded in a special afterlife promotion)
**This is a special issue that asks you to do things. They are fun and not overwhelming**



Team Pooglet! Your mission is this:

MISSION OBJECTIVE: Help agent ‘Megan the Vegan’ escape the dangerous ‘obscurity jungle’ and make her way into the ‘pseudo fame plains’

Level 1: Go to this website base and plant a ‘vote mine.’
NOTE: Agent ‘Megan the Vegan’ is not on the list yet.

Level 2: You can provide extra cover by detonating a ‘request grenade’ at this super compound:

Deadline: Action is immediate until TEAM POOGLET HQ raises enough funds to operate independently of C.E.N.T.R.E.L.I.N.K.

Happy Birthday Richard Marx 42 Friday!
Happy Birthday Daryl Sims (Indecent Obsession) 38 Sunday!


WEBMASTERS NOTE: LapTopping may have strange symbols appearing instead of commas and hyphens. This may be really annoying. If this occurs assume we are being arty.



IT’S: 10:46pm
I’M DRINKING: Water out of my pink milkshake making cup. The single item of crockery that has survived since I left Tassie in 1999.
MY HAIR: Has a touch of the ‘Bruce Samazan bouffant’ today.
PIMPLES: There is one diehard Trojan that has been sublurking on my lip for a week.
CLOTHES: Blue polo shirt adorned with diamonds and ‘x’s’ that Mileta got me for my birthday. Cargo shorts that have a button missing, so I have to keep touching my fly to make sure they stay done up.
MUSIC CHOICES: Winamp just did some great D.J’ing, going from Jon Spencer’s ‘Chicken Dog’ to ‘Moon Shadow’ by Cat Stevens.
I AM: Happily jiggling my foot. I wrote a new song tonight called ‘Special features from the DVD of my life’ that I think is a hit.


ON THIS DAY IN 1993 (A reading from my grade seven diary)

“After school I did routine of running lap of F. track. Played turtles. Did one lap. Came home. I am feeling fit. Went to T.T. hardly anyone came. See-ya.”



“Girls bored me – they still do. I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I’ve ever known.”
– Walt Disney.



1. How good are mandarins?
2. Hello. I’m full of lust.
3. Would you like to come to my place for tea? Only thing I’ve only got Milo, and no house.
4. I feel like we’ve met before, did you work near a fishing village in Cicily in 1703?
5. You know how some people can read palms? Well I can read the sides of people’s heads, and yours is saying that you think I’m saucy.
6. Anyway, as I was saying to my counsellor this morning, I’m bang up for a relationship.
7. Well I think we’ve got the comfortable silence established, I think we’ll be really good together!
8. Nice day huh? Y’know, just quietly, I’d happily destroy the entire universe for a chance to touch your hair. Metaphorically, of course.
9. I think it’s best we don’t speak to each other as I’m clearly more in love with you than you are with me.
10. Go-go gadget confidence.



From Will Barry, of Hobart:

“The breville sandwich press at work has made many a tasty toastie which has been handy coming into the colder months in Hobart. Last week I plugged it in to find that the ‘heating’ light went off almost straight away, leaving me scratching my chin and playing with the power point. At the same time, about 15 computers around the office were apparently switching themselves on and off. It died with the same heated fervour in which it lived. It will be sorely missed by those of the staff who can’t afford to buy lunch.”


Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the
LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev:


A moment with Kerry, the metaphysical drummer.
A reading from his book of Metaphysical poetry “Full stop full stop full stop.”


(said quickly…..high affectation on last happy)

In this age of treason we get by with a little yelp from our friends.

From the luxuriously articulate Josh Earl, of Melbourne.
Ed: This is from a year ago. There was a slight backlog of happy’s, but it is catching up now.

Five things that make me happy:

1. Watching Idol with a room full of people and everyone just talking
over the songs, listening and agreeing with Dicko, everyone agreeing that Mark Holden sucks, and finding the select few who hate Marcia and finding them even more special.

2. Realising that the only reason we have National Anthems is for the
Olympics and the start of sporting games.

3. Making Mix tapes (But this is a constant top five on my list, that
will never change no mmatter how many Ipod ads I see)

4. Trying to come up with a new name for my new band e.g. The Jesuses’s, Donkey Punch (Dont ask), The Department (Email Laptopping for anymore that you can think of)
ED: Hold off folks, an exciting new band name game is debuting next issue!

5. The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, brilliant!!! watch it if you
haven’t seen it, Dolly parton is a genius.

LapTopping accepts little responsibility for any nonplussment, disappointment,
rejection or apathy experienced during a HAP HAP HAP HAP HAP HAP HAPPY!(TM)
endorsed activity. Submit your 5 point plan to the chortle portal.
(email Bev at laptopping@bedroomphilosopher.com with 5 things that make you
Happy. Or a top 5 of any kind, except lime)


A GIGGLE OF GIGS (Melbourne, Sydney and Newcastle!)

• Thursday 15th September. 7pm. I’m MCing the Voiceworks launch at Trades Hall, Cnr Lygon St & Victoria St, Melbourne. The theme is futureshock! There will be lovely readings by spunky young writer’s, an experimental noise band Dry Lake, AND that sonic manipulator space guy you see on street corners sometimes. Also the world debut of ‘FORTUNE CRUSKITS!’

• Saturday 16th September. 8pm. Performing at the launch of the ‘Funnybone 500’ a funny short film festival. At the Willoughby Civic Centre. 409 Victoria Ave, Chatswood, Sydney. (just down from the mall. It’s next to Chatswood library.)

• Monday 26th September. 9pm. Renegades of Folk appearing at The Local, Cnr Carlisle and Chapel St, St Kilda. $7.

• Wednesday 28th September. 8:30pm. MCing the Jangle Gym, a massive line-up for the Fringe Festival. Gorgeous, Tim Minchin (just won Perrier award for best newcomer), Scod Edgar (Tripod) & Frank Skywalker (Gus’n’Frank) $10/$8. Bar Open. 317 Brunswick St. Fitzroy, Melbourne.

• Thursday 29th September. 8:30pm. RENEGADES OF FOLK DEBUT SYDNEY SHOW! This is Josh Earl and myself teaming up for delicate prog-comedy electro-parody carnage. Mic in Hand. Friend in Hand Hotel, Cowper st, Glebe. $11. (it’s just gone up)

• Friday 30th Sep – Oct 2 – THIS IS NOT ART FESTIVAL. Newcastle. I am doing several things throughout the festival, including a comedy workshop and a panel called ‘help! I’m a creative vampire’ at 10:30am on Friday – sure to be a life changing event. Check the program.

• Wednesday 5th October – 7pm. Headlining ‘Rapid Fire’ comedy concern. University of New South Wales Roundhouse on Anzac Pde in Kensington. (Nearest cross street is High St) Not sure of costs.

• Thurdsday 6th October – Saturday 8th October. RENEGADES OF FOLK DEBUT FEATURE LENGTH FRINGE FESTIVAL SHOW! Witness the rehearsal of a lifetime! Bar open, 317 Brunswick St. Fitzroy, Melbourne. 7pm. $12/$10.

NOTE: All gig information is barely correct at time of printing.


STORYTIME (Brought to you by Blame! The exciting new boardgame from the Australian Cricket Board. A simple game for 1-18, 000, 000 players.)

Songwriting credits will be shared with everyone who submits an item that I use*.

Okay Team Pooglet – the plan is, to write a song that is basically a long ballad dedicated to lots of pop culture items that have disappeared since my childhood. I’m not entirely sure how I’m going to construct it – it will be rather hard for it not to become a ‘list’ song (like pomo, mcrock etc.) but I’m hoping the palpability of the memories will override any form repetition.

Now, everyone will remember different things about their childhoody times depending on age, location, socio economic background. Basically I am going for a certain zone – mainly one that I can remember – so here are some parameters and examples.

a) I’m thinking mid 80’s till about mid 90’s

b) I’m thinking snackfoods, toys, fashion items, household appliances, tv shows (that are level 3 obscure and beyond) and any other pop culture entities that linger in your memory. I’m avoiding songs and bands and movies as they’re a bit too easy.

c) If anyone has that ‘Things from the 80’s we remember’ email that went around a while back, could you please forward it to me – I’m reckoning there’s 80’s websites on this bollocks, which I’ll no doubt check.

d) A point I need to clear up. Were the Christian television association ads I remember only played in Tasmania? If anyone knows about this please let me know. Or, if there are mainland Christian TV ads that I’m not aware of…ditto.

Christian television ads:
love grows 2 by 2 –
got 3 pockets in my overalls,
life’s what you make it, (and I know from here I’m looking fine)
do unto others as they (with the boomy voice),
the one where there’s two guys walking around on the backs of two other guys,
The one where they are little cartoon men passing signs around to guitar music
Question (There’s a couple operating a faceless dummy that looks at stuff)
The one where it’s just a bunch of hands with white gloves on a black screen making shapes.
The family singing the lord’s prayer in a jazzy way in a caravan.

EXAMPLES – Frisco icecreams, Crazy critter icecreams, Nutty top icecreams, Link-its, those transformer like things but they were rock monsters, hypercolour tshirts (possibly too obvious), max headroom, lemon thins, Saturday fun show (Tasmanian), Sesame street songs like ‘I’m a dog a working dog, I’m a hard working dog…and the doco on how they make saxophones…and how they make apple juice. Frozen thickshakes (I never had one but people said they tasted like wet sand), yo-whip, Vice-versa’s, Bigfoot pizzas, skateboards with wings, those aerodynamic ring frisbee’s,

There’s a little bit to get you reminiscing.

NOTE: If any of you feel a bit weird about having your precious cerebral heirlooms processed by the dead-eyed black monolithic corporate machine of me…consider this like a huge digital bbq where we’re all drunk on infrared punch and times new roman shots.

* Justin probably means this more as a vague sign of goodwill, more than an actual contractual agreement, as the amount of APRA forms he would have to fill out would take him well into his fifties. Be that as it may, intellectual copyright is an intriguing beast…if you feel like your intellectual property is being mistreated by The Bedroom Philosopher or any other mug within arms reach, please go to www.copyright.org.au and flail around.


To be added to this Ezine email Bev in administration at:
with your email details and the last time you cried.

Last time someone cried: Marnie – Today ‘cos Kylie told me I was pregnant.

Back issues of LapTopping are still available.
To be removed from this Ezine reply with the subject line “Clarity starts
at home”



Grug’s sidekick is transmitted for the spouse of the impenetrable fortress of
the new price is right’s game format only and spray contain confidential and/or
seagull compatible t-shirt formatting. Any repotting, re-forming, polly-wolly
dooodle dissemination or other assorted naughtiness of, or raking of bert’s
laksa mobile in 13 polygon tatoos upon, this disco putty by crowd controllers
or limpit sharks other than dr yillet’s flailing volcano market subsidiary or
intended resiliant is prohibiwibble and may result in larry emdur’s poached egg
idea. Certain portions of LapTopping not affecting the outcome have been hoodwinked into an intersteller mushroom pixeltruck. By the time you read this I will be read.