LapTopping Issue 31
21st September 2004
Estimated Reading Time: 6:21
(Approximately the amount of time you spend figuring out what went wrong with the email because you forgot to put .au on the end)


Happy Birthday Bill Murray 53 yesterday!
Happy Birthday Joan Jett 45 tomorrow!


PUBLISHER’S NOTE: On behalf of Justin and Bev I’d like to apologise for the lateness of this issue. I suggested trying out ‘Cellophane Carchase Printing and Confectionery’ in Porto Rico, and they sent us a box of celebrity wine gums instead of the LapTopping proofs. We apologise for any convenience.
Kerry The Metaphysical Drummer


Hello my dearest , this is Justin here, I may remember me from such regrets as ‘why did I take the hem up on those trousers’ and ‘why didn’t I put my hand on her knee when I had the chance.’ All I want to say is Spring is like having a loaf of fresh bread for a head and someone’s taken a bike pump and squirted it full of fluffy banana icing. xx


On this day in 1993 (A reading from my grade seven diary)

“In S/D we are doing speeches. Mine and Bill’s will be on Macdonalds! Should be good. Went to T.T. not enough people turn up. So they are going to have wed. roster.”



1. Wing Commander Justin Heazlewood
2. Swami Justin Heazlewood (anyone know what a swami does?)
3. Land Bombardier Justin Heazlewood
4. Baron Justin Heazlewood
5. Countess Justin Heazlewood



Thanks to the defiantly debonair Steve Barker for reminding me of some assets and liabilities I left off the list.


Kawai Grand Theatre Organ – (sitting at Steve’s house in Canberra. I co-bought it for $100 from salvos, but it cost me $120 for removalists to move it)


Kawai Grand Theatre Organ


(Can you interpret Justin’s dream?)

“I am supporting Jet. After their gig, they get me up on stage. They give me a kind of long, metal spring. They show me how to twist and tie it so that it forms a kind of bow and arrow, which I then fire into the crowd. I can’t see where I’ve shot it. They tell me it’s important to work out who I hit, because this person will be the one to clean up my hotel room in the morning.”




Amy Moon, Canberra

“Hi Bev. My microwave is currently on the blink. At less than a year old, our poor overused microwave (no one else in my house actually knows how to use a stove or oven. Or the dishwasher for that matter) has decided to take a holiday. When you press start the light comes on and the timer counts down for 2 seconds. Then it stops. Sad.”

Nick Gross, Hobart

“My printer has stopped printing pages and instead just prints all the words and pictures in a gutter down the bottom of the printer. It makes all the right noises but i can tell that it’s just delaying the inevitable.”

Justin, Melbourne

“I’m happy to announce to first Inanimate Objects recovery for 2004! Proving that your thoughts and prayers have turned back the hands of degeneration, my Sony walkman is functioning again, tho’ occasionally chewing tapes like a naughty puppy, is still records my waffly demos. Thanks one and all.”

** **** *** ***** ********** *************
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Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev: laptopping@lycos.com


(said quickly – high affectation on last ‘happy’)

In this age of treason we get by with a little yelp from our friends.
From the dazzlingly centred Sam Hill, of Canberra

Hi Bev. In no particular order five thing wot makes me happy are:

1. Reading raunchy “over 18s” Harry Potter Fanfics

2. Discovering there is one last piece of chewy in the kitchen drawer when I really need a bit of sugar

3. Finding CDs that I forgot I had and discovering old favourite songs

4. “Accidentally” hanging up on people at work when they are being dick heads and knowing my boss doesn’t give a toss if I do hang up on people

5. Target 20% off all underwear sales

LapTopping accepts little responsibility for any nonplussment, disappointment, rejection or apathy experienced during a HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAPPY!(TM) endorsed activity. Submit your 5-point plan to the chortle portal.
(email Bev at laptopping@lycos.com with 5 things that make you happy, or just a top 5 of any kind! And where you live. They will be published in an order determined by Bev’s powerball numbers)

In Melbourne? Here are LapTopping’s Fringe Festival superplugs! (check guide)

Survival Of The Prettiest. Features ‘shonky poetry and nude yoga’ from the most stirling New Zealander I’ve ever met, Tom Doig. 303, 303 high st. sep 22, 24, 25, 28, 29

Strike a Prose – Babble spoken word superstars go 80’s trash on a catwalk of catchiness. I was supposed to be in this but had to pull out. They are all fabulous. Bar Open, 6th oct.

An Air Balloon Across Antarctica – My friend Jo is stage managing. Contains ‘tangerine absurdity’ my favourite! The foundry, 142 queens parade…

The Pinch (funny boys)
The Super Happy Robot Hour (funny robots)
Stagetime (funny)

Multi-talented spoken word artist, Tom Keily AKA Citizen Tom, has recorded a staggeringly swaggering number called ‘Not Happy John’ you can check it out at www.songpod.com.au and if you dig it’s anti liberal sensibilities spread the word like cream cheese!


Think john howard is a flaming pencil case full of blatantly plagiarised essays written in dolphin blood? Why not go to www.johnhowardlies.com and yell at the screen. urgh, we have the same initials!


There is a national karaoke contest! http://www.sbs.com.au/karaoke/?id=895

Pleeze kontact Bev in adminnystrayshun iph ewe hhave psumthink two plugg…

Let’s get metaphysical
A moment with Kerry, the metaphysical drummer!




A GIGGLE OF GIGS (Newcastle, Melbourne, Brisbane, Canberra)

• This is Not Art Festival, Newcastle. Doing various things, check the program. Includes co-running a songwriting workshop called ‘verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge, key change, smash something’ should be fun….or vague and frustrating…one of the two!
• Octoberfest, University of Queensland…(is that right) October 7th 1pm. My god.
* October 11, R.M.I.T in Melbourne…I think.
• October 16, ANU bar, Canberra! HEADLINING GIG. Aaaaah! Please come. More details pending…
* october 20. Uni of Canberra. Lunchtime gig.
* October 21-23 encore of ‘In Bed With My Doona’ at Kitten Club, Melbourne. Book your tram tickets now.

STORYTIME (brought to you by ‘Plath Vs Hemmingway X-box’s new literary greats steel cage wrestling multi player)

From associated press


“Comedian Justin Heazlewood AKA The Bedroom Philosopher shocked friends at a recent benefit gig, when he revealed a bizarre new hair cut, where involved shaving all the hair from the back of his head.

The allegedly self induced haircut hushed the majority of the audience, and appeared to anchor the previously escalating sense of mirth.

Heazlewood introduced the haircut by encouraging a countdown from the audience. He then removed his beanie, flashed his half bald skull, and proceeded with the punch line of ‘this is my impression of Sinead O’Connor’s ghost, walking through Jarvis Cocker.’

Despite the attempts to continue with the act, comments of ‘my god’ and ‘Justin what the @$#% have you done’ could be detected.

‘I dunno…’ Heazlewood said in a press conference today. ‘I was just trying to tidy up the wispy back bits and I suddenly got in a zone. It was like that Bert and Ernie routine where they’re trying to even up the two glasses of cordial, but Ernie ends up drinking it all. I just kept snipping and shaving and it kept getting higher and higher, until I thought…right, now I’m going for the worst haircut of all time.

Heazlewood suggested that after years of over-worrying about the state of his ‘do’, he saw a flash of freedom in having a style that had no chance of looking good.

Despite the tragic style, and calls to shave all of his hair off, Heazlewood says responses to the haircut have been positive.

‘At least 3 people have said it looks good, and think I’m being hyper trendy. A kid in Devonport asked me where I got it done and said he’d been looking everywhere for a hairdresser that did a good undercut.’

‘One guy on the walk to my jetstar flight said ‘who did your hair…don’t tell me…you lost a bet…you lost a bet. So I turned to him and deadpanned, I did it myself…I’m not very well at the moment….to which he replied…neither am I…I’m pissed!’


To be added to this Ezine email Bev in administration on


with your email details and the last time you cried.
Last time someone cried: “While listening to a talking heads song”

Back issues of LapTopping are still available.
To be removed from this Ezine reply with the subject line “Clarity starts at home”


Order the multi-aluminium Bedroom Philosopher CD ‘Living on the edge…of my bed’ with difficulty by email. 20 songs. $15 including postage and nerves. (email your postal address, we’ll do the rest!) (14 copies left. Most of them cracked. Order now and I’ll include a bonus copy of voiceworks magazine! And a wine gum)



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