The Happiest Boy by The Bedroom Philosopher

When I was thirteen
I was abducted by aliens
In a sunset orange
valiant with wings
The aliens were friendly
They communicated by break dancing
They looked like a cross
Between Gumby, Bjork and Richie Benaud
They took me to their home planet
It had an iced vovo surface
And a lynx java atmosphere
They sterilised me with towellettes
Fed me condensed milk through a tube
Gave me an interactive pamphlet
And teleported all but my pants

And I was the happiest boy out of this world

The architecture on mars_79 was inspired by the spirograph
They had no words for war
And fifty six words for funk
Their main source of economy
Was teaching break dancing as a second language
Mainly to interplanetary students
Cos that’s where all the money is
The aliens were progressive
They believed in sex before breakfast
They paid for stuff in hugs
And gave change in kickboxing
They used trampoline energy
And kept sideburns as pets
And thought flossing a religious experience so they didn’t go to church much

And I was the happiest boy out of this world

Then they began their experiments on me
Probing me with questions about TV
Home and away they wanted to know if Aisla had died
Cos they were nine seasons behind
x-files they wanted to know if Mulder and Scully had smooched
and how they got a documentary to look so well produced
I could not speak
I acted dumb
Did I mention I had an instrument up my bum?

The aliens apologised
They break danced with tears in their eyes
They offered to erase my memories of the trip
And take me home in a bit
But I pleaded with them to keep all my memories of them
And erase all my memories of TV shows
And I was the happiest boy in this world.

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