Ian Thorpe was bored
Of all the winning when he was swimming
Here I am now
He said
Entertain me!

They tried everything from the underwater TV
Following him with Buffy
To the specially ordered inflatable version of Lord Of The Rings
For him to read while he did the backstroke

But nothing could put the fire in his belly
Not even training in port wine jelly
Nothing could remove the frown
Not even the deep sea clown

Ian walked away from the pool
Still in his Speedos
He wandered the streets
Searching for meaning
In a world that just kept on tumble turning
They thought he was one of the homeless

They put size nineteen shoes on his feet
They gave him a blanket and something to eat
He was a little unsure
A little bit edgy
Like the time Alexander Popov gave him a wedgie

Well how do you console a man
Who’s worth his weight in gold medals?

Like Isaac Newton’s apple hit him on the head
One morning Ian fell out of bed
He took off his swimming cap
And put on his thinking cap
‘Enough of this tomfoolery
I want to design men’s jewellery!’

He took all his medals down to Cash Converters
He wrote his coach a note
He didn’t want to hurt her
For Ian had a plan
He’d always known he was big in Japan

They gave him a mansion
They gave him his own show
They gave him his own pool
He didn’t want a swim
He just wanted to float in it
He just wanted to float

‘Come on boys and girls
It’s time to tune in
To Australian Ian Thorpe’s
World Of Pretty Things!’

Ian’s head was swimming
Now this was really living

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