Short Shorts For Men (Frankie – 2010)
To the menfolk of Australia.
Quick, we haven’t got much time. While your girl’s in the shower I need to tell you a few things, man to man. Turn off the TV. I DON’T CARE IF FUZZY FROM VH IS TALKING! Right, I want to talk about legs. Namely, yours. Tell me – this summer, what are your leg plans? Have a little think. Stroke that stubble. Wait, lemme guess, you’re gonna wear jeans right? Unless it gets real hot and maybe you’ll wear those ‘sport jeans’ that cut off at the knee. What about down the beach? Probably just your boardies yeah? Good ol’ faithful baggy arse ocean flappers. They’re nice and loose, just like the surfers wear. So, do you actually surf? No? Okay.
Answer me this tiger, is the main reason you keep your legs covered up because they’re so florescent they upset babies? Have you been chastised in the past for pins so pastel they show up on Google Maps? Have you considered the possibility that the main cause of this symptom is that for years your upper leg region has been as heavily guarded as a US military document? Without being overly dramatic, as it is not the way of the old mate, I beseech ye to consider the notion that you may be caught in a self fulfilling shame spiral of negative body image and that the key to casting off these shapeless poly/cotton shackles is at hand. Listen closely, the time to capitalise is now.
MEN OF AUSTRALASIA – IT’S TIME TO TAKE A STAND AND KNOCK DOWN THE OPPRESSION OF OUR THIGHS LIKE TEN PINS.
There was a time in the early 80’s when our ancestors roamed free in colourful side split gym shorts and belted high waisted safari numbers without a care in the world. Men kept their legs healthy, took them out for walks, gave them plenty of water, drenching them in essential Vitamin D. Sometime in the late 80’s things changed. Surfing culture became fashionable and board shorts descended down like a spandex sting-ray, casting a shadow over thighs forevermore. Aided by grunge and gangster culture, for twenty years men have been locked into the regime of the knickerbocker. Men’s knees have become what ladies ankles were in the 1800’s. Pair this with the Speedo backlash of recent times, the once playful ‘budgie smuggler’ gags turning increasingly spiteful to the point where professional swimmers now cover themselves in body suits and I see it as society’s message that men should be ashamed of their groins.
Can you hear the hair dryer? Ok, I’m nearly done. STOP PICKING AT THAT AND LISTEN. I know this isn’t easy, and it’s okay to be worried. I know what you’re thinking, short shorts are a gay thing. Yes, while we’ve been bogged down in boardies, they’ve been warming their buns in the disco oven. The truth is we could learn a lot from such man pride. With the metrosexual tag tiring, society is finally accepting that all gents great and small are body conscious and clothing aware. Fashion has always been about rebelling against the norm and is often born out of the ironic statements of a subculture. We lads, the dedicated followers of out-of-fashion could be that movement. All it takes is a thirty degree day, some stubbies and a dream. If anyone asks, tell them Bon Scott sent you.
Look, I know short shorts may seem like a stretch. But if it’s not something you want to do for me, or for yourself, then as least do it for her. The greatest gift you can give women this summer is something to perve on. A bum, some thigh, a hint of package, even if it is your keys. Ask yourself, how many years have they been tirelessly getting their A-game on while we slouch around like bass playing b-ballers? The longest journey begins with a single step and this summer I urge you to get your thighs out and show the world that men actually have bums and they will no longer be silenced.
This is your call to legs!
Yours, in short,