LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official E-zine of The Bedroom Philosopher

Monday February 8, 2010


Happy Birthday Seth Green 36 today!
Happy Birthday Alonzo Mourning 40 today!
Happy Birthday Garry Coleman 42 today!



Inspired by the success of Where The Wild Things Are and Fantastic Mr Fox, Australian director Baz Luhrmann has begun production on a 240 million dollar version of Australian children’s book Grug. Angus Sampson is touted to play the burrawang tree turned haystack with a face with Rose Byrne cast as cara the snake. Luhrmann says the challenge will be sculpting the relatively simple plotlines into today’s standard three and a half hours for a feature film. He has suggested the series may be condensed so that Grug has a birthday, plays soccer and finds a rainbow all in the one day.

Not to be outdone, Warwick Thornton director of Sampson and Delilah, is planning a gritty portrayal of children’s classic Clifford The Big Red Dog. The adaptation will be a tribute to the wide range of megafauna that roamed the Australian outback 50, 000 years ago. Clifford will be a mythical dingo that appears to the Anangu people of Alice Springs.

Meanwhile Nick Cave has also jumped on the children’s book bandwagon, penning a script for a feature film adaptation of Eric Hill’s ‘Where’s Spot?’ Cave’s script sees one man’s fifty year quest around the world to find his beloved cocker spaniel, stolen by a drug cartel on his tenth birthday. The big budget epic is rumoured to be utilising state of the art 4-D technology, where audiences will be able to lift up the movie screen to see whether spot is behind it. Critics have dubbed the technology a sham, saying an usher dawdling through the theatre in a dog costume is hardly revolutionary.


TINY LEGENDS – Moments that fell down the back of the couch.

From Caseymoira Freeman, Melbourne.

“A couple of weeks ago I was walking home from work feeling quite miserable and sorry for myself. All of a sudden, a pigeon that had been nesting on the ground flew up my sensible work skirt (tapered in at the knee, very librarian) and got stuck flapping about up there. I was quite distressed and tried to talk the pigeon out of my skirt but he would not listen. I ended up having to lift my skirt up over my hips on the corner of Queen and La Trobe streets to show all my pins in tights. The pigeon fell to the ground, looked at me and shook his little head and flew off. All while I was standing there with my skirt almost over my head. I was incredibly embarrassed but could not stop laughing. I straightened my skirt and jumped on the number 8 home still rather flush from my encounter with the pigeon.”





From Laura, Canberra.

“I would like to commemorate the life of Ewan, my Ipod, who sadly succumbed to disease and died today. He was very hardy and came with me on a lot of adventures, including one on the high seas in the Young Endeavour, during which he fell out of my locker during bad weather multiple times and broke his backlight. He remained faithful despite his failing health and old age and never let on that he couldn’t keep up with the hip new touchscreen kids, even when I accidentally flung him across the room at the gym. He will be sorely missed.”




Phrases people have typed into Google to land on my website:

“brett lee speedos”
“who was the little girl who sang got three pockets in my overals ”
“chupa chups photo teddy bear as freud ”
“improvise thermos”
“i have finished uni and are now on the dole and cant be fuked doing anything”
“groin pain from ride on mower”
“how much does sandra sully weigh”
“horse drugs/nuttelex”
“where do i kiss my bride first on bedroom”
“golden gaytime availability 1999”
“is simon and garfield married”
“when do you sign with xoxo?”
“topless girls playing cricket”
”lo-fi indie folk whimsical gentle fey“
“legally what time can you mow the lawn on a sunday”
“patti smith takes off socks”



For those of you who haven’t tuned into ‘Lime Champions’ yet, here is some YouTube love. An intimate portrait of Hugh Jackman, as told to Damien Lawlor.



25 Mar 2010 – 18 April 2010 Songs From The 86 Tram – Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Melbourne, Victoria. (Acacia Room, Victoria Hotel, Little Collins St. 9:45pm). For bookings click HERE.

28 Apr 2010 The Front (solo) w/ Josh Earl, Canberra, Australian Capital Territory.
29 Apr 2010 The Vanguard (solo) w/ Josh Earl (Sydney Comedy Festival), Newtown, New South Wales.
5 May 2010 Grace Emily (solo) w/ Josh Earl, Adelaide, South Australia.
6 May 2010 Alley Cat (solo) w/ Josh Earl, Hobart, Tasmania.
7 May 2010 Royal Oak (solo) w/ Josh Earl, Launceston, Tasmania.
9 May 2010 Brisbane Powerhouse (solo), Brisbane, Queensland.




The Bedroom Philosopher has proved impossible to pin down for this article. Initially, his publicist gave me the run-around, posting me a phone book sized list of questions I wasn’t allowed to ask including ‘Who are you again?’ I then had to deal with his manager who insisted we do the interview by text message because The Bedroom Philosopher was having a ‘bad sideburn day’. After busting him in a record store putting his albums next to Sarah Blasko’s and making them kiss, the ‘manager’ turned out to be The Bedroom Philosopher himself with an American accent.

Finally, after much to and fro-ing, I’m sipping home-brew on a swingseat at his nan and pop’s place in Tasmania. Fortunately enough, his Nan seems to understand him better than anyone. “He’s always been a very thoughtful and talented young man,” she says. “He was a born entertainer. Once we were at our local Christmas parade, and next thing I know he’s grabbed a shopping trolley, put on a helmet and become part of the float. He’s very good on the armpit – he can do all sorts of tunes.”

The Bedroom Philosopher first found fame (of sorts) in 2002 with a musical comedy segment on Triple J. He performed in festivals and released his debut album In Bed With My Doona. In 2006 his song ‘I’m So Post Modern’ landed in JJJ’s Hottest 100 and he became a share-househould name. His latest aural offering Brown & Orange, described by Pitchfork as “the disc was missing,” offers a shotgun marriage of music and humour, laced with cassette samples from the 70’s.

An ex girlfriend, who insists on anonyminity, says: “He’s a lovely guy, but I’ve never met anyone as unsure of themselves. He makes Gollum look like Anthony Robbins. He wants to be a musician and comedian but I keep telling him, men can’t multi-task! His songs were funny the first time but I needed six months of Beatles therapy to get the choruses out of my head. I was the first person in Australia to take out a restraining order against music. You can’t play his album within 50 metres of me.”

Throughout his career, it seems, the Bedroom Philosopher has left a trail of broken hearts, from groupies wanting a hug to venue-bookers wanting a crowd. One ‘Philosopherette’, who hasn’t left the house in 10 years and is about to publish her first book of status updates. says he is constant blog-fodder. “He looks a bit like Jemaine from Flight of The Conchords,” she reveals, before adding: “Oh, sorry, I thought we were talking about Scod from Tripod. God I love Tim Minchin…”

This year The Bedroom Philosopher won the Director’s Choice award for his Melborne International Comedy Festival show called Songs From The 86 Tram. In the show, he portrayed a number of public transport characters including a hipster, bogan, junkie…and Nan. The sell-out season was derailed when he slammed his bike into a car door on the 86 tram line, breaking his humerus. Upon receiving his award he declared irony dead, adding ‘The darker parts of life are beautiful, and, if you look at them from far enough away, hilarious.’

After agreeing to meet me in an Internet chatroom I asked him whether the crash was an accident or a cry for help. “No comment,” he said and walked out. I was then sent a fax stating: “The Bedroom Philosopher is tired from media and did a streetpress interview last year.”

One music industry spokesman had this to say: “What he’s doing is very original and very funny. I love it. I think he’s the smartest, freshest act around. But I’m not going to touch it. He’s created this gigantic one-off niche for himself that no-one can reach. It must be like the Grand Canyon in there. It’s got its own gravitational pull. He’s too wacky for the music scene and too musical for the comedy industry. Seriously, if I were him I’d consider going electro or writing a self-help cookbook.”

According to his ever stoic e-zine LapTopping The Bedroom Philosopher has recorded an album of the 86 Tram songs which he aims to release as he reprises the show at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. The album features, his five piece band ‘The Awkwardstra.’ Bass player and naturopathist Andy “Nature Boy” Hazel said that he was very excited about the album and if the Bedroom Philosopher was reading this could he give him a call?

“We all met at a self-help group called indie snobs anonymous,” Hazel recalls. “We’ve all left really serious rock bands to play sitar and flute and sing songs about real things like Golden Gaytimes and self-pity. We’ve shaved our beards and learned to smile again. I’m so glad we found the Philosopher. We can all put ‘carer’ on our tax returns.”




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