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LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official E-zine of The Bedroom Philosopher
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ISSUE 83
Thursday May 26, 2011
**The Bedroom Philosopher’s High School Assembly.
Thornbury Theatre, Melbourne. June 24**
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LT BIRTHDAYS
Happy Birthday Helene Bonham Carter 45 today!
Happy Birthday Lenny Kravitz 47 today!
Happy Birthday Stevie Nicks 63 today!
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STAGE MANAGERS WANTED
Are you in Melbourne June 24? Do you have stage manager experience and be happy to help out at BP’s High School Assembly show? Email a brief CV to anthea at nibblesmusic dot com
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TINY LEGENDS
Moments that fell down the back of the couch
From Justin Heazlewood.
“About two years ago I was at a Post Office in Carlton. Vince …
After watching the music documentary Dig! I was checking out The Brian Jones Town Massacre. Wild front-man Anton Newcombe had called their 1996 release Thank God For Mental Illness and the title fascinated me. It was about the most audacious thing I’d ever seen. Who would dare celebrate mental illness in anyway? Mental illness was the thing of dreary pamphlets and scary people on buses, not critically acclaimed lo-fi albums from the American underground. Even if the title was being ironic, glib, sarcastic or otherwise, it genuinely encouraged me. My life was defined by psychological disorders and as a survivor, it’s something I wanted to wear as a badge of pride, not shame.
I’m annoyed by how little empathy there …
When people ask me what I do I’m reluctant to say “comedian.” The job-title carries with it certain social ramifications. In Australia, the land of the larrikin, it seems such an audacious claim. Mate I know everyone’s a comedian, but I’m foolish enough to expect someone to pay for my services. When I do own up, it’s met with a surprised smile somewhere between delight and pity. First comes the line “So tell us a joke” followed by the awkward pause when I fail to launch into a diatribe comparing Julia Gillard to April O’Neil from Ninja Turtles. If I’m lucky I’ll be asked “where do you get your material?” to which I’ll answer “my life I guess.” If the …
Computer says that Cool began in Africa in the 15th century when a tribal leader began wearing an expressionless mask not only during times of stress, but also in times of pleasure. It was dubbed “mystic coolness”. This “artistically conscious interweaving of serious and play” evolved through the African Americans who brought it to the U.S. in the 1940s via Jazz clubs. It was dubbed Bohemia. Followers followed, copiers copied and scruffy preppies with half a novel now had an excuse to talk to women. Later, James Dean smoked a cigarette, Elvis moved his hips, The Rolling Stones got out of bed and white Cool was born, or more accurately, adopted. This borrowed swagger was on-sold to capitalism, who …
On December 12 I was given the challenge not to say anything negative or bitch about anyone for thirty days. When I heard about this I cried. When I told my close friends they laughed. It was like challenging a sportsman not to state the obvious or a teenager not to use the word ‘like.’ As an artist, whinging about the output of my peers is as much a part of my vocabulary as swearing and self pity. Just how much so I wasn’t to realise until the pending days.
Day 1 – We all know the law of being asked not to do something, suddenly it’s all your brain can muster. My first challenge came during a soundcheck with …
Listen up punks
And eliminate the crap
I’m a marketing major
And this is where it’s at
If you’re looking for a place
To invest your corporate dollar
Music is the industry
To which I’d point and holler
Connect your game
To a band’s success and fame
They’ve the goods the looks the sound
And then they’ve got the name
Cos band names are brand names
Hit singles are radio jingles
Listen to my pitch
To scratch the advertising itch
Limp Biscuit Think Arnotts
Weezer – Quit Australia
Powderfinger think Scotch Finger
Pink think Crayola
Bodyjar think Tupperware
Midnight Oil of Olay
Tool think Mitre 10
End of Fashion think Daryl Somers
(alternate: Sick Puppies – R.S.P.C.A.)
Lucksmiths think the …
You know sometimes you’ve got to make a change
(Yeah)
You’ve got to get up and walk away
(Yeah)
Find someone new
(Yeah)
Find someone who cuts you real good
(Huh?)
Introducing the whitest man alive
The Bedroom Philosopher
Man when I first came to your salon
You gave me the personal touch
Made me look like Jarvis Cocker
Knew not to talk too much
But over time boy I felt your interests wane
You just wander off and answer the telephone
Halfway through a shave
But one thing I could not forgive
When you took too much off my fringe
Hair is seventy percent of my looks
Please take my name off your books
I’m leaving my hairdresser
I’m …
I’m comin to the end of my tram ride
Not just talkin about Telstra Dome
I’m about to check in with the big tram inspector in the sky
When I get up there
He’s gonna ask me if I’ve got a ticket
I’m gonna say my friend
My ticket is the lines on my face
He’s gonna look into my eyes and say
I believe you
But don’t forget to validate it
I’ll give him me biggest grin
As I’m walkin past he’ll
Reach down into me pocket
And pull out my hip flask
And I’ll go shit
He’ll say I’m afraid you can’t take that in where you’re going
Never mind
Plenty of fresh stuff in at the bar…
I work in New Media
I’m pretty damn important
Don’t ask me to explain what I do
I don’t work with words
Have you ever heard of sound art?
I sincerely doubt you have
Some awful fax machine noises
Going backwards
A cat on a piano
Dad calls it self unemployment
I call it being brave
I’m changing the world
One non commissioned piece at a time
I’m on my way to a meeting
I’m having coffee with a guy
He’s got projects
We’re gonna talk about our projects
High level stuff and things
I haven’t had a shower
I slept in till eleven
I’m full of ideas
I’m burdened with ideas
I can’t get out of bed
Oh I …
In my day we used to walk to school
Five miles in the snow
Cocaine was everywhere
In my day we ate toast from a can
From Japan
In my day when it was cold father’d hop into bed with you
And set fire to his beard
In my day children were seen but not heard
They’d died
They were all ghosts
But you still had to work
In my day things were better than they are now
Where am I?
We made food out of flour and water
It really put a damper on things
We played a board game called hard times
Where every square said
Go to war
In my day we couldn’t afford punctuation
Mother I’m …
Hello?
Yeah I am
Just on a tram
Man on a tram
Man on a tram I am
Man on a tram with a plan
Called Stan from Prahran
From Prahran I am
Talking bout shares
Getting lots of stares
No one really cares
My voice really blares
Big tram slow tram
Do you want a go tram?
Man on a tram
Wearing bad chinos
Drinking cappuccino
Smell of jalapenos
Came from the casino
Middle class white arse
Upper class tight arse
Car’s in the shop
Taxi wouldn’t stop
Hangin with the plebs
No one’s on their meds
Someone should call the feds
Check this guy with dreads
Go through his sheds
Probably cooking up some reds
Kids’ll ingest
End …
Baby I’m the tram inspector
My heart is a lie detector
Buy a ticket I will respect ya
Fare evade I will eject ya
C’mon baby don’t make it hard
Show me your concession card
No use making no excuses
I’m the boy no girl seduces
Have you been a naughty girl?
Have you been a naughty girl?
Have you been a naughty girl?
Have you been a naughty naughty naughty naughty naughty naughty girl?
Working hard for yarra trams
I’ll write a ticket for your pram
Don’t care if you start to cry
Emotions ain’t no alibi yeah
I think my mouth just salivated
Girl you just ain’t validated
I’m reaching for my ticket book
Ain’t never caught myself …
Dear god thank you for blessing us with this beautiful day
A day of which I’ll see none of as I go to work onboard a packed tram
After four hours sleep thanks to my hippy neighbours impromptu bush doof
Reconciled with an apology note written in the dust
On the back window of my Corolla
Which you continue to smiteth with clutch problems
Thankyou god for creating me in your image
By the way in the bible it never mentioned you were short
Or an Irish girl
Meaning I’m the perfect dimensions to be the meat in an ipod sandwich
Getting guitar from one song and vocals from another
Creating the new band Madonnica
I can only see in …
Words can get fucked
They can’t explain my love for you
Feelings and shit and that and yeah nah and so forth
My heart’s been kicked out of bounds on the full
Words are shithouse
The alphabet’s a poof
I’ve cried till my eyes are as dry as a dead dingo’s donga
Seems years since I bowled a maiden over
Oh Trishine
I’m the ute and you’re the diesel
Oh Trishine
I’m the bowl and you’re the Cheezels
You had me at show us your dick
Words have got nothing
They can onomatopissoff
You left me up shit creek without a paddle
No one tells you bout shit waterfall
Flowing into shit sea
Why d’ya have to change the locks?…
I come from a place very far away
Footscray
I moved there to escape a place of great poverty and violence
Collingwood
I like Melbourne but feel that I am judged by my colour
The colour of my scarf
I went with red and black
But it is the same here as in my homeland
No one likes the bombers
I recently gained permanent residency
Kevin Rudd has made the process more relaxed
I had to learn about crabsticks
The word reckon
And listen to You Am I’s early stuff
I am trying to understand Australian culture
My friend described it as basically America
With Milo and possums
There are many misconceptions about my continent
If we see a coke …
