The Bedroom Philosopher

Drunk I am on Bundaberg rum
Shitfaced and skint at the Dandenong pub
In my finest jeans I wee Bundaburg rum
Might lie down or have a dim sim
Na na na…gu gu gu…get fucked
So I had a few Bundaberg rums
On my bum

Marnie baby
Ay
Ay come over here
C’mon
What…nah nah c’mon gimme one of your chips
C’mon can you get me a glass of coke?
I just feel like a glass of coke
C’mon get me a glass of coke
At the Dandenong pub…

Deck the kids and get obsessive (Fa La La…)
Tis the season to be passive aggressive (Fa La La…)
Frown I now at this gay apparel (Fa La La…)
I wish Mum would shop at American Apparel (Fa La La…)…

Open your presents and what do you see
It’s a Backstreet Boys tour DVD
Open your presents and what do you get
You get a Pirates Of The Caribbean Lego set
Open your presents and what do you want
You want a massage voucher and a nice sauv blanc
Open your presents and what do you face
A murky box of lollies from a faraway place

Presents
No thought
Wee gifts
Store bought
Presents
Unwrap
Big smile
Some crap

Open your presents and what have scored
It’s a nail grooming kit and emery board
Open your presents and what have you landed
It’s left handed scissors even though you’re right handed
Open your presents and for what do you hope…

On the first day of Christmas my ex girlfriend sent to me
The cartridge from a 303
Two purple thumbs
Three French hit men
Four appalling turds
Five mouldy things
Six geese decaying
Seven swans a swimming (in blood)
Eight maids a milking (at gunpoint)
Nine ladies dancing (in their own filth)
Ten druglords a leaping (the fence)
Eleven vipers viping
Twelve tonnes of transcripts (of every conversation we’ve ever had written in tiny flawless handwriting plus grainy black and white photos of me being intimate with other women as well as contracts for hit men that she employed to take out members of my family and friends)…

Buy now from iTunes or the BP Store.

1. 12 Days Of Christmas
2. Presents
3. Deck The Kids
4. Little Drama Boy
5. Jingle Hell
6. Jarred’s Letter

Lyrics and ‘Presents’ written by Justin Heazlewood.
Produced by Chris Scallan at The Soft Centre, Melbourne.
Mastered by Cem Oral @ Jammin Masters, Germany.

Choir: The Nymphs & Men In Suits.
Vocals and trumpet on ‘Presents:’ Audrey Boyle.
12 Days Of Christmas video directed by Carlo Zeccola.
Props by Will Phillipson.
Costumes by Erin Roche.
Desktop publisher: Tambourine Design.
Photo: Carlo Zeccola.
Management: Anthea Cohen at Nibbles Music….

* I’ve been busy smashing out a Christmas EP and new video. They’ll be released very soon. A book of tour diaries is on its way too. I’m playing in Brisbane this weekend (Harvest / Livewired), then a residency at the Northcote Social Club Tuesdays in December.

* here is a video of me saying words.

* I recently gave a tell-all interview to Richard Fidler HERE. Some tour reviews are HERE and HERE.

* I told the census I’m a black Jewish woman in a wheelchair.

* Check out my profile in the Age online HERE.

* I’m touring nationally, solo, in August and September. The Head Sex & Bed Socks Tour will be an intimate rumpus of …

As Video Hits aired its final episode last week, I asked myself – how will our children learn about sex? Primary school assemblies won’t be the same without a generation of tweens emulating Rhianna’s pelvic thrusts and singing Sex in the air I don’t care / I love the smell of it. How will young boys find black misogynists to aspire to, so they can learn about honeyz in the club and that it’s okay to wear sunglasses inside?

Advertising is about catching folks with their guard down, and every Saturday morning it was a massacre. The dowdy crowd, armed with pyjamas and cereal, were probed by strobes, sprayed with hot-synth and force fed Freudian imagery by a slick snake …

In 2002 I wrote a song called ‘Mcrock’ about the commercialisation of music. It included the lines:

Band names are brand names
Hit singles are radio jingles
Listen to my pitch
To scratch the advertising itch.

The rest is a list of sponsorship wordplays suggesting a reality where bands could be branded like sporting teams.

Limp Biscuit think Arnotts
Weezer Quit Australia
Lucksmiths think The Dicksmiths
Pink think Crayola

And so on. I’d just read The Sell In by Craig Matheson, a book about the commercial success of Australia’s alternate bands in the 90’s. It introduced me to the business side of music, and took some gloss off my idolised image of rock gods, painting them as real people, battling …

Last year Tony Abbot declared that women’s virginity was a ‘precious gift.’ This wording, coming from Mr red Speedos “Stop The Scrote” himself was enough to have us stewing in our juices and spewing in our mouths. There were several things shady about it; one was the commodification of women’s bodies and the other was the sexist omittance of male virginity from the equation. Surely it’s time society took a spoonful of Equal when it comes to male virginity. Is it worth anything to anyone? Here’s a joke: Women’s virginity ‘the gift’ comes in a white box with a red ribbon, you open it carefully and inside you find a Faberge Egg. It’s handcrafted, delicate and something you’ll cherish for …

My first memory of music is listening to Popcorn by Hot Butter. I’m standing beside Nan and Pop’s ‘Stereo Sonic’ entertainment deck with black sponge headphones wrapped around my noggin. I load a cassette into the deck and press down on the chunky metallic button. The oceanic tape hiss fills with a sci-fi whine, followed by a warbly synth waddle of baroque alien ducks and the novelty combustion of a robotic, whistle-ready melody.

I sit mesmerised, staring at a yellow and brown swirl print cushion. These sounds are colour to a blind man. An aurora to a caveman. A Christmas and birthday imagination sandwich. Cerebral sorcery that fits like a tshirt and springs like a trampoline. Music was shaking hands …

The first cut is the deepest, and Radiohead’s Creep cut me in a big way. It was one of my first experiences of a rock band. I watched the film clip, mesmerised. The picked tremolo notes rang like a macabre musical box while the chorus cut through like a chainsaw. Who were these pale, effeminate men, slinging and scrunching their way through such a pretty tune? In the stage lights Thom Yorke looked alien. His face contorted in ecstasy and angst. Johnny Greenwood hid behind a wall of noise and fringe, revving his guitar like a lawnmower.

When asked about Creep in 1993, Yorke said, “I have a real problem being a man in the ’90s. Any man with any …

In Grade 4 a new girl was introduced to our class. She was Aboriginal. I’ll never forget how dramatic her skin looked against her yellow dress and matching socks. Our class sat stunned as she walked into the room. Most of us had never met an Indigenous person before. She looked like she had been crying and her expression was locked in fear. She slunk into her chair, lay her head down on the desk and buried it in her arms. She stayed like this for the rest of the class. Some boys up the back dubbed her “Emu”. The next day she was gone. We never saw her or another Aboriginal student again.

This took place in my home …

* I presented a story about op shops on ABC’s Collectors last Friday. Watch me walk towards the camera and talk at the SAME TIME here!

* The High School Assembly was a massive success! Thanks to all those who rocked up. Click HERE for a video of me busting out ‘We Are Tramily’ with special appearance by Raspberry Cordial’s J-Saf.

* There was a piece on the High School Assembly in the Sunday Age HERE.

* Tram Inspector scored Indie of The Week on Rage last week.

* I was a guest on The Conversation Hour with John Safran & Lawrence Leung. You can listen HERE.

* I have a new single, new music video (Tram Inspector…

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LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official E-zine of The Bedroom Philosopher
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ISSUE 83
Thursday May 26, 2011
**The Bedroom Philosopher’s High School Assembly.
Thornbury Theatre, Melbourne. June 24**

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LT BIRTHDAYS

Happy Birthday Helene Bonham Carter 45 today!
Happy Birthday Lenny Kravitz 47 today!
Happy Birthday Stevie Nicks 63 today!

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STAGE MANAGERS WANTED

Are you in Melbourne June 24? Do you have stage manager experience and be happy to help out at BP’s High School Assembly show? Email a brief CV to anthea at nibblesmusic dot com

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TINY LEGENDS
Moments that fell down the back of the couch

From Justin Heazlewood.

“About two years ago I was at a Post Office in Carlton. Vince …