Ian Thorpe was bored
Of all the winning
When he was swimming
Here I am now he said
Entertain me!
They tried everything
From the underwater TV
Following him with Buffy
To the specially ordered inflatable version
Of Lord Of The Rings
For him to read
While he did the backstroke
But nothing could put
The fire in his belly
Not even training in port wine jelly
Nothing could remove the frown
Not even the deep sea clown
Ian climbed out of the pool
Still in his speedos
And wandered the streets
Searching for meaning
In a world
That just kept on tumble turning
They thought he was one of the homeless
They put size nineteen shoes on his feet
They gave him a blanket
And something to eat
He was a little unsure
A little bit edgy
Like the time Alexander Popov
Gave him a wedgie
How do you console a man
Worth his weight in gold medals?
Like Isaac Newton’s apple
Hit him on the head
One morning Ian fell out of bed
He took off his swimming cap
And put on his thinking cap
Enough of this tomfoolery
I want to design men’s jewelry
He took all his medals
Down to cash converters
He wrote his coach a note
He didn’t want to hurt her
For Ian had a plan
He’d always known he was big in Japan
They gave him a mansion
They gave him his own show
They gave him his own pool
He didn’t want to swim
He just wanted to float
In it
He just wanted to float
Come on boys and girls
It’s time to tune in!
To Australian Ian Thorpe’s
World of pretty things
Ian’s head was swimming
Now this was really living