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LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official E-zine of The Bedroom Philosopher
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ISSUE 69
Estimated Reading Time: 9:53

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LT BIRTHDAYS

Happy Birthday Ice-T 51 today!
Happy Birthday John McEnroe 50 today!

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RECENTLY REGISTERED COVER BANDS

Rage Against The Sewing Machine – Gentle indie acoustic versions.
Queens Of The Old Age – The CWA chorale’s dedication to Josh Homme.
Silverhair – The RSL’s take on Daniel Johns.
CRABBA – Feminist take on Swedish pop.
ACTC – Canberra based Acca Dacca fans.
The Foetals – Slow, depressing, instrumental versions of Beatles hits.
Poofmother – Bogan rock tribute to defunct band they don’t like.
Catholica – Christian Metallica fans.
Judgemental As Anything – See above.
Bindi Lauper – Childrens act based on Cyndi Lauper songs.
Rodeohead – Country take on Thom Yorke.
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Bette – Bette Midler Tribute.
A Polyphonic Spree – One guy, a lot of ringtones.
Mews – Muse songs with singing replaced by cats.

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GUERILLAGRAMS!

Great moments in unsolicited conversation.

From Jessica.

Me: (after getting my report card for school) Ah I hate English it’s so hard.
Friend: Well, why don’t you drop down to standard?
Me: I’m already in standard.
Friend: Go down to English as a second language.

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INANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENT NOTICES

*****
RETIRED
*****

From Justin Heazlewood, Melbourne.

“I wish to congratulate my Nokia phone for its four years of reliable service. Over this time it has served me well as a phone, voice recorder, torch and at times, spirit level, although the compass function was never a strong point. Constantly full of sms’s, its CPU was always being tested, and although it did mix some messages around towards the end, it never lost any. Nokia, you’ve been a solid friend over the years but I knew this day would come, and it’s time for us to part ways. On behalf of myself and my new iphone we wish you all the best in your retirement napping in my top desk drawer.”

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WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
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SEND YOUR GUERILLAGRAMS AND BEREAVEMENT NOTICES TO THIS ADDRESS.

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GET A WRIGGLE ON GOOGLET!

Phrases people have typed into Google to land on my website:

“3rd cricket teat”
“why are people are scared of you”
“what do frequent one night stands say about one s mentality”
“do kisses at the end of a text message mean anything”
“how do i know if i m postmodern?”
“toaster shoots bread vovos”
“the world is fucked and i am so alone”
“woollen bookmarks”
“sideburn appreciation society”
“ridiculously subtle”
“what happened to simon day from ratcat”

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TIME IS CHEESE AND MOUSE IS HUNGRY!

Look at Ariel Pink do stuff.

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A GIGGLE OF GIGS

(CANBERRA, SYDNEY MELBOURNE)

CANBERRA
The Front Cafe, Lyneham. Thursday February 19. 8:30pm. $10.

SYDNEY
Mic In Hand, Friend In Hand Hotel. Thursday March 12. $12.

MELBOURNE
Short set supporting Spooky Men’s Chorale, who are awfully good. Feb 21. Lithuanian Club. $20/$15.

BROWN & ORANGE ALBUM LAUNCH @ THE CORNER – 19 March.
Featuring Special Guests Tripod, The Suitcase Royale plus DJ’s Emma Peel & Master Bedroom. $17 plus b.f. Or $22 on the door.

SONGS FROM THE 86 TRAM @ EUROPEAN BIER CAFE. 2-25 April. (No Mondays). 9:45pm.
My first solo Melbourne Comedy Festival show in four years. Witness the fitness.

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STORYTIME

(Brought to you by Chad Mashups Waterslide Bowling. Combine the summer fun of water sliding with the skill of ten pin bowling, simply bowl your ball and then follow it down the four story ‘super loop.’ Even if you don’t knock ‘em all down, you’re sure to get a spare when you come crashing through after.)

In 2001 I was wandering around the Salvation Army at Fishwick in Canberra when I checked out the cassette section. Amongst the usual plastic muesli of bad 90’s pop and obscure classical was a large rectangular case holding twenty five tapes. I lifted the lid to find a set of home recordings all labelled and catalogued. There were titles like ‘Dad 1975,’ ‘Maxine 1977’ and one which really intrigued me ‘Social Life In The Psychiatric Unit.’ I bought the set for $10 and took them home.
Straight away I put on the ‘Social Life’ tape. It was mesmerising. ‘Charles’ the owner of the collection was interviewing patients at the psychiatric hospital he had been admitted to, asking them if they knew any good jokes. The audio was surprisingly good. You could hear the television in the lounge room and nurses pushing trolleys up the corridors.
I listened to another tape. On this one Charles was ‘speaking a letter’ to a friend. He was a young, eccentric British man of twenty one talking of ‘cool droogs’ and how ‘totally mad and superb’ the holidays were going to be. He was so funny and likeable. He jumped from tales of trying to score ‘dishy birds’ to asking if his friend had heard of The Sex Pistols. The ‘Maxine’ tape was a friend of Charles speaking him a letter. She had a husky half-french, half-british accent and spoke candidly of her holiday in Spain and going to art school. I instantly fell in love with her.
Nearly every tape in the collection had some magical quality to it. Charles and his friends spoke with such fervour and character that you swore some of it was being directed by Wes Anderson. A highlight was a conversation between Charles and an older patient.
Woman: You may record my voice, but I’ll not do any jokes…my clown has left me…I only have tear drops. Do you want me to tell you a joke that isn’t funny?
Charles: Yeah.
Woman: I fancy you.
Charles: That isn’t a joke.
Woman: I told you it wasn’t funny.
Years went by and I didn’t think of the tapes much. When I began working on my second Bedroom Philosopher album I had the idea of sampling them on the album. While listening through to them again I heard Charles mention his family in New Zealand. Google searches had brought up nothing for Charles, but the cousin he mentioned did show up at an art gallery in New Zealand. I took a punt and emailed her. She was the one! She informed me that the family had no idea about the tapes, and that Charles had died in 1980 when he was just twenty five. I told them about my intentions, and they agreed to let me use the tapes as long as I sent them some copies on CD. I still hadn’t solved the puzzle of how a collection of tapes from a young British man in 1975 ended up abandoned in a Canberra op shop in 2001.
I was awfully sad to hear that Charles had died. Perhaps I harboured the possibility of tracking him down. Listening to him on the tapes was such an intimate, joyous experience. It’s such a strange treat to hear someone speaking to you with the excitement and honesty normally reserved for a best friend. I know there’s a major art project in store that will truly do justice to this collection, but for now I’m just happy that these precious recordings and Charles’ memorable voice will survive. It makes me think about how our memories will live on once we die.

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LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!

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