LapTopping – 63 – “Code Brown”
LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official E-zine of The Bedroom Philosopher
Tuesday January 22 2008.
Estimated Reading Time: 7:35
Happy Birthday Tiffani Amber-Thiessen 34 today!
Happy Birthday Verne “Mini-Me” Troyer 39 tomorrow!
Happy Birthday Jimeoin 42 tomorrow!
Happy Birthday Melissa Tkautz 34 tomorrow!
SONG TO GET STUCK IN YOUR HEAD OF THE DAY
Ini Kamoze – Here Comes The Hotstepper
“Here comes the hotstepper, murderer
I’m the lyrical gangster, murderer
A) I need a job in Melbourne. I’m not kidding. I can do most things. I can type 60 words per minute while pulling a beer. If you have any leads let me know. Preferably something in my area (Fitzroy) or the city. Days or nights.
B) A film clip is coming. The background of said clip is going to consist of 60’s and 70’s retro patterns. Do you have a fab shirt, tie or print you could scan in and email? Also, dancers wanted. Basically, we want someone who can dance really well and can totally do the retro 60’s / 70’s mod look. Must have own gear. Comment below or contact me through the contact section of the site.
TOP TEN SAYINGS THAT NEVER CAUGHT ON
1. The early bird catches the worm, but late gorilla eats ripe banana.
2. Give a man some cheese, he’ll eat for a day, give a man a pig and he’ll eat ham and cheese.
3. Forgiveness is divine, but no more Facebook invites please.
4. Crumbed chops burn easily, but love conquers all.
5. Red sky at night, farmer’s delight. Black sky at dawn, farmer having personal problems.
6. Kill two birds with one stone, annoy five hippos with three sticks.
7. A man and his hair are soon parted.
8. Too many rock stars, not enough groupies.
9. You can’t have your urinal cake and wee on it too.
10. A clock without batteries is still a clock, but a man without faith is down at the pub I guess.
PEOPLE ARE STRANGE, BUT YOU ARE STRANGER!
From Dion McCall, Launceston.
“An emo with an ipod just got on the Burnie bus instead of the Hobart bus. When the driver told him he was in the wrong line the kid said: “I was just following the crowd.”
INANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES
From Anna Cushion, Hobart.
“I’m mourning the loss of my 23 year old vacuum cleaner. An unfortunate vacuuming incident involving a futon mattress and two cars spelled the end of the motor. The smell of death… well.. the motor dying… filled the air and nostrils of those around to witness the poor Volta’s demise…
Rest in peace…”
WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
WANT TO CONTRIBUTE TO EITHER OF THESE SEGMENTS? EMAIL BEV IN ADMIN, INCLUDING YOUR HOME TOWN.
GET A WRIGGLE ON GOOGLET!
NOTE: (Sandra Sully Nude is now the third highest phrase to reach my site – ahead of Justin Heazlewood. Once again I reiterate, saying that probably doesn’t help the problem.)
Several phrases people have typed into Google to land on my website lately:
(Note that even this segment has become self-aware)
“i can use the words cruskit and nan and get your site”
“maybe i could even use the words vegemite and toast and crabs and shane porteus”
“ways to propose Newcastle”
“unhooking bra videos”
“kyle and jackie o commemorative plate”
“dwarves on surfboards”
“toni pearen smoking”
“scooby doo monopoly western Australia”
“what does the apostrophe in o clock stand for?”
“john cusack plays a helicopter pilot who”
“foo fighter ukulele tabs”
“modern wedding vowel”
“things to put on cruskits”
“eating raw bacon”
“whippet bedroom philosopher”
“nan hack in bleach training”
“shrunken man caught in bra”
“wanting to socialise but don t like talking to people”
“novelty sheep bin for bedroom”
“snorting wizzfizz what can happen”
“how to spell happy birthday in Lithuanian”
“benifit that we can get from horse raddish”
“i bet justin heazlewood is actually quite depressed”
TIME IS CHEESE AND MOUSE IS HUNGRY!
The single funniest thing I have ever seen.
Got a tip-off for some e-nuggets? Let us know: email@example.com
A GIGGLE OF GIGS
* January 28th. Melbourne Big Day Out. Playing with The Awkwardstra. Bacardi Ballroom Stage. (Next to Lilyworld) 2:45pm. We probably won’t be in the program so take note! We’re up against Dizzee Rascal. Bjork and Rage Against The Machine are going to help out on Swan Song.
* February 15/16th. Perth International Arts Festival. Playing with The Awkwardstra. Beck’s Bar. Friday Feb 15 and Saturday Feb 16. 10:30pm. Check local guides, although relations with indigenous Australians are already strained. Free.
* March 4th. Melbourne Uni O-Week. Lunchtime gig with The Awkwardstra. 12pm. Free.
* March 9th. Wesley Anne. 250 High Street, Northcote. Solo. Support TBA. 8pm. $8.
(Brought to you by Burnie Olympics 2016. Support this thriving coastal community’s bid for the world games. The gigantic pile of woodchips on the foreshore will be used to erect a world class stadium. The swimming pool will be dredged of band-aids and flies. The Police Boys Club canteen will be freshly stocked with Chomps and Curly Wurly’s.)
THE HAPPIEST BOY TOUR REPORT
Let’s take a look at the weather on tour.
Hang on, that’s not the weather, that’s the attendance figures.
Adelaide: Before the gig I was trying to start the sticky tape roll to stick up my merch sign, but couldn’t as I bite my fingernails. The owner of the venue was able to start it with her nails. I came to the conclusion that starting the sticky tape roll is the female equivalent of opening a jar. Support act The Beards were arrogant and used too much deodorant backstage, but let me stay at their house. I ended up drinking with a metal head, who earlier, when I’d given one of The Beards a friendly hug said ‘Oh. Man love.’
Hobart: It rained, which usually means a cancelled gig in Tasmania as it brings out the water boars and there have been a few deaths. This gig was all ages and the venue had the underage people off to the side of the stage in a separate room. I kept looking to the side to make sure they were happy, but one by one they left. I was later assured this was because they had early curfews and not because of my lacklustre rendition of I’m So Post Modern. You decide.
Canberra: The venue was closing in a few weeks so the staff had that kind of attitude. Often a problem with venues is the issue of ‘do you make people that are already at the pub having a drink pay the cover?’ The industry standard answer is ‘yes.’ Tonight it was ‘look you bozo creep, don’t breeze in here with your one man entourage and distract these drug addled bogans from their game of Big Buck Hunter.’ I’m going to miss them all.
Sydney: Tonight I broke myself. Richard In Your Mind were great openers. By the time I hit the stage of this large theatre I realised it was my fourth gig in a row with ‘Dancefloor Gap.’ Dancefloor Gap is either a great name for a bad D.J. or the syndrome created when you play a venue with a dance floor in front of the stage and not that many people. It creates a massive black void which the audience hide behind. Being a solo act with almost clinical blindness attempting to feed off the energy of the crowd, this becomes an issue. I was informed that I played a great set, but the dials in my head were clocked and steaming. The next morning I appeared on JJJ Breakfast. The segment before I appeared was about clowns. The segue became – speaking of clowns, next up we’ve got The Bedroom Philosopher. I suggested they play my single but they opted for a live rendition of Medium Ted. I came home to where I was staying and wrote two devastatingly serious songs. At the Sydney airport I spent thirty five minutes doing laps of the food court trying to decide what I wanted to eat. I settled for Red Rooster. My stomach didn’t.
Melbourne: Home crowd, playing with the Awkwardstra, and my best gig of the tour. Having said that, before the gig the event of a guitar amp being left at home with sound check time running out left me virtually paralysed with anxiety. This feeling did not lift until I reached the stage. I took all my nerves and frustration from the past month and aimed it front and centre. It worked out. Later, some girls were talking up the back so I served them. “Just let me know if there’s still tickets to your work lunchbreak conversation tomorrow ‘cos I’d love to support you guys.”
* Be grateful for the freedom to do the things you love.
* Keep radio singles under three and a half minutes.
* Anger is an energy.
* November is a tough time to tour with exams, Christmas approaching and people hating you.
* Make time to call into a local police station and see if anyone’s handed in your sense of humour.
* As well as a guitar tech, hire a mood tech. A psychologist in black jeans to talk to you before and after the gig.
* It’s okay to make your passion your job and everyone has bad days at work.
* Be aware if you have a tendency to over-react.
* It’s never too early to make a will.
LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine check out the ‘LapTopping’ section of the website.
Last time someone cried: ”Holly – When there was an explosion at Jack and Martha’s wedding on Home and Away. Oh and when Sally died.”
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DON’T FORGET –
“Here comes the hotstepper, murderer
I’m the lyrical gangster, murderer