LapTopping – 52 – “Putting The Fun In Menfuntal Illness”
LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official Team Pooglet! E-zine of The Bedroom Philosopher
Monday 26 June 2006
Estimated Reading Time: 11:13
**Headlining at Bar Open, Fitzroy on Wednesday 28th June.**
ALOHA TEAM POOGLET!
“May the toasty glow of your disco-pixel joy-visor melt the mint-flint shards of winter from your skin. For your optimistic roving boots shall skip and flex with perplexing strength. May your plans actualise like Voltron, forming a five-lion force field of self-unity that slays the poorly animated swamp-octopus of your worries. Everything’s going to be fine, or thereabouts, roughly, we suppose, with a vengeance. Awomen.”
REQUEST NEW SINGLE ‘FOLKSTAR’ ON TRIPLE J
Fantastically, it’s been getting a little bit of play already with a spotting on Myf Warhurst’s lunchtime program last Friday, so if you get a chance, you can text Super Requests on 1975 7555 or onine request at: http://abc.net.au/triplej/requests/make_a_request.htm
Feel free to suss the quality of the song before any emotional investment – it’s uploaded at my Myspace page.
Happy Birthday Josh Earl 25 today! Much love my friend.
(go to the Renegades of Folk Myspace page for shoutouts!)
Happy Birthday Mark Decloedt (EMF) 37 today!
Happy Birthday Chris Isaak 50 on Wednesday!
Happy Birthday John Cusack 42 on Wednesday!
LAPTOPPING’S “SONG TO GET STUCK IN YOUR HEAD” OF THE DAY
One Summer – Daryl Braithwaite.
“One summer, I’ll find a way-ay-ay-ay. One summer, will always remai-hai-ai-ain.”
Step 1 – Sing chorus to yourself three times.
Step 2 – Repeat chorus again five minutes later. Chorus will be successfully installed.
Step 3 – Be unable to remember anymore of the lyrics.
Step 4 – Get annoyed.
TOP SEVEN RECORD COVERS IN MY VINYL COLLECTION
1 – Bullseye – 18 Original Hits (1979)
Features a dazed, barely dressed Vegas showgirl, arms spread and mouth agape in front of a giant multi-coloured target with six knives embedded in it. On the ground are a couple of five buck notes. Bullseye is written in ‘Excited Seventies Comic Sans 48 point’ next to the girl is a notice board with all the bands written on it. It’s so playfully sexist that you just want to give it a hug and a quiet talking to.
2 – Sounds For Hope & Happiness Volume 3 – To Support The Crippled Children’s Assoc. of S.A. (1975)
This record, which was sponsored by Shell Oil, with their slightly dated slogan of ‘Your Dealer,’ features childhood mascot Fatcat, quite early in his career, standing between two questionable looking business men, and behind four exquisitely dressed disabled children in the most dreary and troubling surrounds of what looks to be an abandoned building site. Fatcat is wearing some kind of pink and red apron, sporting what is, in retrospect, a chillingly fixed gaze. The boy in a wheel chair on the left has glasses like mine, and wears a flared leisuresuit of brilliant blue. The girl next to him has a purple dress that would have most indie girls pulling each other’s fringes off for. The only boy who is standing, with the support of a walking stick, has the best combination of clothes I have ever seen on anyone. Orange long sleeved shirt with brown spotted tie, red, white and black finely checked vest, and dark red flares. He’s also wearing a helmet. I love him.
3 – Sesame Street – Merry Christmas From Sesame Street (1975)
This cult classic appears to have captured Muppet stalwarts Bert and Ernie briefly after a ‘mishap’ with the Christmas tree. A rather frenetic looking Bert finds himself tangled up in the reams of gold decorative beads, while Ernie doesn’t seem to be helping that much and finds the entire incident amusing. Grover peers, somewhat redundant from the side, while an under-stated Cookie Monster puts in an open-mouthed, loose-eyed appearance at the back.
4 – Gary Numan – The Pleasure Principal (1979)
A classically dressed Numan, in Grey plaid suit with silver tie sits at a desk and peers down androgenously and pseudo threateningly at a small red plastic pyramid.
5 – Various – 100 Great Melodies The World Loves Best Volume 7 (1973)
For absolutely no apparent reason, this collection of classic overtures features a beguiling young negro girl with a red checked dress, scowling up at the camera and pointing her finger with a bowl of Roma tomatoes balanced on her head.
6 – Syd Heylen – Cookie (1989)
Fleeting musical spin-off attempt from cult actor who played the wise-cracking chef/barman on the long running 80’s Australian medical drama ‘A Country Practice.’ The front cover displays a relaxed and jovial Heylen posing with a sailors cap on, while the reverse sees him return to his chef attire and trademark ‘Cookie’ hat, holding a frypan and pointing at it with an expression that basically says ‘well whaddaya know?’ The fact this record has the direct phone number of the record company suggests it may have been a global phenomenon. The album features only one track penned by Heylen himself, the aptly titled ‘who’s sorry now,’ to which my friend James Borman suggested once, ‘anyone who bought the album.’
7 – Singing and Listening ’70 Presented by June Espstein with The Melbourne Kindergarten Teachers’ College Choir (1970)
This rare Australian folk gem features an array of classic late sixties, fledgling seventies fashion, being modelled by a squadron of young professional women ranging from disengaged and frumpy to faex-mod and pretty hot. Posing behind an array of gumtrees, the scene has a ‘Picnic At Hanging Rock’ sense of suppressed sexuality, (or is that just me) with more ill fitting cardigans and chunky blouses than a CWA factory. There is one ‘lucky’ token male, with brill-creamed side-swept fringe, chaste-blue dinner jacket, defensive fawn slacks and a guitar ‘mid-strum.’ In conclusion, I could listen to this record with the sound down, and the best look for girls at this time was the one piece mini-dress with lengthy, Marsha Brady locks. It’s like my wholesomely creepy version of an FHM pin-up calendar.
8 – The Wombles – The Best Of The Wombles, 20 Wombling Greats (1976)
It’s the Wombles. In a band. Grandpa Bulgaria plays the violin. Hee hee.
PEOPLE ARE STRANGE, BUT YOU ARE STRANGER!
Overheard by Maddy Phelan – “That man over there. That man in the short-sleeved shirt. Wasn’t he big and fat once? Big and fat. Really BIG… and FAT.’ (Spoken very, very loudly, within earshot of very portly man.)
From Paul Threlfall – “At my work (a public library) a toddler gave his mum the slip, grabbed the bin and bolted out the door with it.”
Overheard by Justin, in Melbourne inner-city last Saturday night– “Are we having a falling out or are you paranoid?”
Have you overheard some memorable conversation of late? Perhaps witnessed a member of the ‘peeps’ doing something comical or weird? Let Bev know at firstname.lastname@example.org
LAPTOPPING INANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES
From Celia May, of unknown origin.
“My plaster horse has been decapitated by me and my careless chisel! There was no blood and the process of death was quick and painless (except for the whole head coming off business. maybe that hurt?) It was for art class… We were supposed to be carving “Zuni Fetishes” which are these things that the Zuni people carved and fed turquoise and then they huffed their nostrils for good luck or something…
Let me just point out that I would never think a decapitation would be a demerit to anything. The art is still spectacular. Let’s hope I get marks.”
WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the
LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev:
GET A WRIGGLE ON GOOGLET!
Fourteen phrases people have actually typed into Google to land on my website lately:
“mr matey bubble bath”
“i am a gangsta by josh turban”
“Itty bitty bins”
“world record for continuous guitar playing”
“knitted beanie instructions”
“theory of bogans”
“how to grow horse raddish”
“tafe harmonica Brisbane”
“girls bedroom ideas”
“primary school shoe size 2000”
A GIGGLE OF GIGS (Melbourne)
• Monday 26th June – Mcing at Local Laughs – The Local, Cnr Carlisle and Chapel Streets. 8:30pm. $7. (Apologies to anyone who came along to see me last month, but my voice was in a state of distress. From all reports Josh completely rocked affairs, regardless.)
• Wednesday 28th June – Headlining at the Australian Songwriter Association’s ‘Jangle Gym.’ Bar Open. 317 Brunswick Street, Fitzroy. $5. Night starts 8:30pm. I’ll be on about 10:30pm. On before me is best mate and ex Harmonica Lewinski’s member Matt Kelly who has one of the best voices I know and plays intelligent, gorgeous folk-pop arrangements. Completely worth seeing.
• Monday 3rd July. Doing a spot at Young n Jackon’s comedy bonanza. Opposite Flinders Street station steps. 9pm approximately. Unsure of costs. (to you financially, and my self-esteem if it goes poorly.)
STORYTIME (Brought to you by Manky Frank’s new ‘Fair Dinkum Fusion Range,’ featuring ‘Beefroot’ a challenging omelette of liquefied shanks, breadcrumbs and beetroot liqeur, and ‘Savlova’ a devastating puree of free-range hotdog pulp, amalgamated with a humble array of eggs and whipped cream. Customers please note that Baconade has been recalled by popular demand.)
MYSPACE AND ME
I remember when the Internet first hit in 1995. Its arrival wasn’t a cataclysmic overnight technological revolution, more of a quiet rumour circulated by some of the I.B.M. hyper geeks – eventually announced matter of factly by our Info Tech teacher Mr Badcock. In the early days the Internet was treated like the good china at your Nan and Pop’s house – you were allowed to use it, but only under supervision, and for a strictly limited amount of time. One of my first research exercises was compiling a Beck fanzine, consisting of pages found through Alta Vista – remember Alta Vista? The Beta of search engines – I’m sure it was powered by a team of computer nerds peddling bicycles and juggling encyclopaedias somewhere in Chicago.
Telnet was the other fascination – an MS-Dos style chat room facilitator where nerds tried very hard to talk about not much in the hope of being promoted by other nerds, in turn giving them the power to promote/demote younger, less experienced nerds. Gosh it was addictive. I think my user name was ‘crumpet,’ and I have a strong recollection of telling bad jokes and being demoted down to peasant level. You know there’s something seriously wrong when even in a virtual world you are the social outcast.
I eventually outgrew the vacuous superficiality of the chat room mentality, and focussed on tapping the Internet for its more substantial, constructive juices; such as poorly written biographies and post-feminist photographic art. Eleven years on, and just when I thought Googling my own name was the worst, most narcissistic and shallow of my e-vices, along comes Myspace.
For those of you who are currently blissfully unaware, please be warned that reading any further may render you vulnerable to the bright lights and pseudo-competitiveness of this ‘virtual community’ come online personality casino. Myspace is a social network which currently hosts over 80 million users worldwide. Apart from plain old civilians, users also include bands, artists, comedians, clubs and organisations. Basically, it acts as your own personal website, and allows you to upload a photo and information about yourself without knowing any HTML code. You can then personalise the look and feel of your page through some easily downloadable programs.
Once you’ve activated your ‘space,’ it’s in your best interest to find some friends – just like in life. Everyone’s Myspace page gives you the option of ‘adding them as a friend,’ – just like in life. In turn, that person then has the choice to add/reject you – just like in life. Once you’ve accumulated a few pals, you then have the luxury of choosing your ‘Top 8’ friends – just like in life. Everyone from Willie Nelson to Goldfrapp have their own Myspace pages, and you can add them as friends – just like in life, providing they oblige, which they usually do – just like in life. The reality of Beck sitting in front of his computer all day seems a little outlandish to swallow, but I bet even his minions are groundbreaking trailblazers.
Borrowing from the Blogging world, Myspace also allows you to leave comments on other people’s pages. Often a good ice breaker is ‘hey what’s up? I’m so bored. School really sucks.’
Some other tokenistic Myspace behaviour includes:
The carefully angled hyper-contrived photo.
Overwhelmingly ‘busy’ use of background patterns and colours, like an excited Nan doing a desktop publishing course at TAFE.
Self-promotion Nazis, clumsily zapping out e-flyers like a virus in tight denim.
Invites to strange, obscure events by strange, obscure people.
The clever dicks who have subverted the high school fickleness of the Top 8 friends by somehow making it a much more adult, democratic, Top 16.
The inane, childish, yet somehow unavoidable and necessary sense of competiveness upon seeing how many page views and friends other people have.
The dizzying blend of blatantly self-aware time wasting and Pavlovian soul salivation when you receive friends request and messages.
In conclusion, Myspace is awfully good for indie-artists, as you can upload your own songs for a potentially massive and eclectic audience, and make yourself easily contactable to hypothetical/fictional industry personnel. Apart from this, it could be deemed as nothing more than novelty cyber-fluff synthesising the degrading social mind-set of teenagerdom with all the intellectual depth of an online personality quiz. But I dare you to have Sarah Blasko accept you as a friend and not surrender yourself to the spiritual hot-sauce of the Myspace empire.
Please add me as a friend. I promise I’ll say yes.
(The authors gallant salivation leaves a myriad of rainbow stars on the screen)
For more information and a fact sheet, check out. www.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MySpace
GOT A COMMENT ON LAPTOPPING?
Go to www.bedroomphilosopher.com and say things with words you bucket of ideas!
LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine check out www.bedroomphilosopher.com and go to the LapTopping page. You will be asked for your name, email, and the last time you cried.
Last time someone cried: Adam: “Yesterday in Bunnings when Toto’s ‘Africa’ was played over the store radio. I was enraptured to the point of tears. Then a store clerk came over and asked if I was hurt.”
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email@example.com with the subject line “Clarity starts at home.” We’ll be okay. Really.
This email, and the Piglets transboogied with it, are quite nice really and intended solely for the misuse of the hoodlum or Commodore 64 technician to whom they are fired from a cannon. If Yuri is not the pregnant cricket nurse, then look matey, you are barking up the wrong tuckshop grugfest 2006 virtual bert Newton dance floor anti-depressant vendor and Yuri is not half-witted enough to distribute or toot-toot this email or lavish pastry or many of its emotional attachments in any way, except on a flaming motorcycle. We also request that you advise the sender of the way they pronounce and spell Broccholi.
This edition of LapTopping may contain traces of earnestness and was prepared on the same equipment that harvests pretty murky, serious poetry. LapTopping cast and crew choose to stay indoors and frown at their unshaven, wild-eyed blunderbuss selves in the mirror while pawing clumsily at their pseudo-androgynous Missy Higgins-esque hair-arrangements. Management requests that patrons do not forget about sayings such as ‘Whoopy Doo.’ LapTopping administration wishes to advise that at any given minute you are loved by someone, somewhere and to sleep safe, or else.
In loving memory of Pooglet! R.I.P. 10/6/06-11/6/06
Pooglet is my new-found hero.. In pooglet I trust forever-now. (i.e. in the eternal moment that is)
Ahh, your description of the vinyl covers is the funniest thing I’ve read in quite some time – I was reading this at an internet cafe and trying to stifle my giggles, and the earnest Austrian proprieter just came over to check that I was ok and not choking. Go you.
sorry about pooglet dude.. you still have us. maybe pooglet and plaster-horse will be friends in heaven? i wonder is plaster-horses and charismatic fish are sent to the same heaven? i watched that show… i know that dogs go to a different heaven that humans. just a thought.
Well, Cake sang ‘Sheep go to heaven goats go to hell’, but that doesn’t really help us hey? Thanks Rin – the record covers will feature as part of my ‘funny record covers’ exhibition at some pretentious Melbourne gallery soon.
You are The Best!!!