LapTopping – 51 – “Cruskits! Cruskits! Cruskits!”
LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official Team Pooglet! E-zine of The Bedroom Philosopher
Friday 12th May 2006
Estimated Reading Time: 12:46
**I’m So Post Modern Nationalish Tour May/June ‘06**
Happy Birthday Emilio Estevez 44 today!
Happy Birthday Bea Arthur 82 tomorrow!
Happy Birthday Danny Wood (New Kids On The Block) 36 on Sunday!
Happy Birthday Dion McCall 25 on Wednesday!
LAPTOPPING’S “SONG TO GET STUCK IN YOUR HEAD” OF THE DAY
Pepper by The Butthole Surfers.
“I don’t mind the sun sometimes, the images it shows. I can taste you on my lips and smell you in my clothes.”
Hey there Admiral Fuzzwicket! Pre-order your Cheesymite Scrolls! Build a cardigan hammock and swing wildly while thumb wrestling yourself and commentating in Shakespearean dialogue in a Samuel L Jackson Pulp Fiction style. (ie Your blind digit! Your blind! I’m gonna squash you like I squashed your brother) cos The Bedroom Philosopher’s first nationalish tour of a lifetime is here, pretty much! Sorry Perth!
We’re talking seven cities. We’re talking major indie music venues. We’re talking revolutionary supports. We’re talking the launch of the new limited edition Folkstar / I’m So Post Modern double A-side remix maxi single with ten tracks on it and the Pomo filmclip. We’re talking the debut of B.P T-shirts! Available only at the gigs – and then later awkwardly by email. We’re talking new songs! New routines! A novelty hammer of some kind! A wig! A dance routine that has been described as Beyonce wrestling Joanna Newsom in an octopus costume on the conveyer belt of a Quattro factory! We’re talking encores, intermissions, half-time entertainment, a cliffhanger, cameos by actors from Raw FM, a ringtone D.J., live stuffed animals, crispbread girls, stuff and possibly even things!! Would love to see you there. Mention Team Pooglet and get a sweaty, gnarled, manic look of glee from me after the show!
Want to join the Team Pooglet street team? Send me your address and I’ll post you some posters to put up and your name will be on the door at the gig of your choice!
Tue 23 May ADELAIDE – GRACE EMILY HOTEL plus The Beards (The Beards are a concept band who only sing songs about beards.)
Thur 25 May MELBOURNE – EAST BRUNSWICK CLUB plus Martin Martini & The Bone Palace Orchestra + Sam Simmons + Josh Earl (Martin Martini are a gorgeously blood curdling gypsy circus jazz swingset of articulate calamity. Sam Simmons is a complete unit of man who just got nominated for a Barry Award for best show at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Josh Earl is co-member of the Renegades of Folk and an indie-pop knight.)
Sat 27 May HOBART – THE VENUE – plus Matt Sertori + Sam Nicholson (Matt once got a glass thrown at him for singing a song about the Gunns president. The next week he showed up at the same songwriters night in cricket pads and a helmet. Sam is ex-member of seminal Hobartian comedy duo Sam & Tully.)
Tue 30 May CANBERRA – TOAST – plus Matt Kelly + The Dads (Matt Kelly used to be in Harmonica Lewinski’s and Urban Turban and writes some of the best acousta-poppin ditties around and has a beautiful voice. The Dads are all dads! Yes. But young dads. All 20-something. Possibly like the beards. But dads. Without beards. Maybe beards. I haven’t seen them in a while. Jeez lay enough with the details.)
Wed 31 May SYDNEY – HOPETOUN HOTEL – plus Pomo Mofo’s (DJ set) + Like People + Richard In Your Mind. (Pomo Mofo’s are like Devo and Tism and Blondie. Richard in your mind are like Donovan meets Flaming Lips meets Jefferson Airplane and they all eat Le Snaks. Like People have choreographed dance routines.)
Fri 2 June NEWCASTLE – LASS O’GOWRIE HOTEL plus The Klaff Bros. + La La Land (The Klaff Brothers have twelve members and are kind of like an art-folk Polyphonic Spree. La La Land do something interesting with a melodica and a quilted rug.)
Wed 7 June BRISBANE – THE TROUBADOR plus James O’Brian (The Boat People) + Namaste Jake. The Boat People are a brilliant band – and James is from them. Namaste are an uber-succinct funk 3-piece.
All shows 8pm and $10 except Melbourne which might be a cheeky $12 and Newcastle which is FREE! See you there!
THE INGREDIENTS IN A DRUMSTICK ‘LOADED’ CHOC CHERRY ICECREAM
Water, Sugar, Flour, Cream, Vegetable Fat, Milk Solids, Glucose Syrup, Coconut, Skim Milk Concentrate, Cocoa, Cocoa Butter, Maltodextrin, Raspberry Puree, Raspberry Juice, Cocoa Mass, Invert Sugar, Modified Starch, Cherry Juice, Glace Cherries, Emulsifiers (322, 471), Colours (150, 152, 155, 102, 129, 123, 110, 124, 163), Food Acid (330, 334, 357, 368), Humectant, Potato Starch, Wheat Starch, Glazing Agent, Salt, Cornflour, Mineral Salt, Preservatives (220, 221), Enzyme (Invertable).
TOP FIVE ALTERNATIVES TO ‘An apple a day keeps the Doctor away.’
1. A mandarin a second, torlet will beckon.
2. A parsnip a minute might make you infinite.
3. A snickers an hour keeps the dentist empowered.
4. A banana a year – you’re over-reacting Germaine Greer.
5. A lobster a century if you’re stuck in a penitentiary.
NEW SEGMENT! PEOPLE ARE STRANGE, BUT YOU ARE STRANGER!
Have you overheard some memorable conversation of late? Perhaps witnessed a member of the ‘peeps’ doing something comical or weird? Let Bev know at firstname.lastname@example.org
Overheard on a Clifton Hill Bus, Melbourne: “She drives like a grandma, she dresses like a grandma but she acts like a four year old.”
LAPTOPPING INANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES
From Alan ‘Wombat’ Moyle, of Launceston.
“My lovely friend and colleague Fuji S2 Pro Camera was knocked out of my hand on the Royal Mile in Edinburgh. The lens went into two pieces and the camera won’t turn on. Sniff. I had to buy a new camera as the other sits waiting to be fixed when i get back to Melbourne. The lens has been repaired and is working nicely.”
WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the
LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev:
RIDICULOUS SKETCH IDEA
A wee while back I put a call out for some ridiculous sketches that I might pitch to Ronnie Johns Half Hour ‘on behalf’ of you. Here’s a couple from Team Pooglet member Glen Skiller:
A woman is reading a book in a library. She puts the book down and walks over to the ladies torlets. She goes inside where a couple of women look down towards her feet and laugh. She looks down, notices that one of her shoes has a book stuck to it, and runs out crying with embarrassment.
It is a woman’s birthday but she goes through the day getting increasingly angry as no one in her family seems to remember. By the end of the day she is fuming and finally confronts her husband as they go to bed that night. Her husband says, “Oh…didn’t I tell you? We’ve become Jehovah’s Witnesses.”
GET A WRIGGLE ON GOOGLET!
Ten phrases people have actually typed into Google to land on my website lately:
NOTE: I applaud the fact that someone has managed to already abuse this system. I’m awfully curious to know what said person was hoping to find when they typed in ‘justin heazlewood smells his own fingers after he poos.’ Anyway.
“i hate sydney Melbourne”
“the wonderful story of how you were born”
“bruce samazan birthday”
“gobbledock pictures ruffles chip”
“sassy nurse with a gloved hand”
“gorillaz stole my lyrics”
“yahtzee score sheets” (my favourite of all time)
“how do you do a rainbow pash” (does anyone know?)
“justin heazlewood is a bum bum head” (jeez talk about backlash)
LET’S GET METAPHYSICAL!
A moment with Kerry, The Metaphysical Drummer.
A GIGGLE OF GIGS – COMEDY SIDE SHOWS OF THE TOUR (Melbourne, Adelaide, Sydney, Brisbane)
• Saturday May 20 – MELBOURNE – Butterfly Club, Bank Street South Melbourne. Geraldine Quinn’s Edinburgh Fundraiser. Also featuring Josh Earl, Fiona Scott-Norman. $25/20. Geraldine is a blistering hot-pocket of folk-core grrl queen sun-searing energy. Do see!
• Wednesday May 24 – ADELAIDE – Rhino Room Comedy Night, Frome Street, Adelaide. Not sure of cost, but I’m headlining this one. 8:30pm?
• Monday May 29 – MELBOURNE – Local Comedy Concern, Cnr Carlisle/Chapel Streets Balaclava. I am MCing – which is a good chance to see what I do when I’m not holding a guitar. The enigmatic Sammy J, winner of best newcomer at this year’s Melbourne Comedy Festival is also on. $7. 8:30pm
• Thursday June 1 – SYDNEY – Mic In Hand, Friend In Hand Hotel, Cowper Street, Glebe. $10. 8:30pm. I’m a headlinin’.
• Sunday June 4 – BRISBANE – I’ll be playing three half hour sets in the Valley Mall, or Brunswick Street Mall, at 11am, 12pm and 1pm. Come along and request songs I don’t know!
• Sunday June 4 – BRISBANE – Brisbane Powerhouse Theatre. 6pm. Little else is known about this one.
• Friday June 9 – MELBOURNE – Playing at Geek @ Laundry Bar, Melbourne. This is unconfirmed, so check my website for confirmation. I’m set to play at 10:30pm.
STORYTIME (Brought to you by Crayola’s new 500-prong ‘art-suit.’ Children will love learning about art with this simple to apply nylon jumpsuit, every spare inch has been filled with a different coloured crayola crayon, simply cover your house interior in paper, apply the suit to the child, and let them ‘draw’ from experience. And now with special ‘sharpener helmet’ for parents and guardians.)
FROM ASSOCIATED PRESS
BEDROOM PHILOSOPHER OR BEDROOM TERRORIST?
Melbourne based comedian The Bedroom Philosopher AKA Justin Heazlewood was almost charged for inciting violence after the satiric message laced in an impromptu folk song was taken all too literally at a Melbourne Comedy Festival event last week. Performing as comedic duo ‘The Renegades of Folk’ on an outdoor stage as part of the ‘Big Laugh Out’ event, Heazlewood’s short solo set left the normally family friendly event in a state of anarchy.
‘The gig wasn’t going particularly well to begin with,’ said the Tasmanian-born comedian at a press conference delivered from his bed yesterday. ‘It was mainly kids and families staring at us as we delivered our folk versions of electronic songs like ‘Frontier Psychiatrist.’ Heazlewood said he was particularly unnerved by the presence of a man in a character costume, playing the famous purple Comedy Channel star mascot.
‘He was running around and kids were loving it and I just thought it was kind of rude, like, split focus for the audience, while we and other comedians were on stage.’
The trouble began during The Bedroom Philosopher’s solo section of the performance. ‘I started singing a song about how it wasn’t easy being up on stage when a purple star was running around,’ said Heazlewood between mouthfuls of toast, ‘and the chorus went ‘let’s all push over the Comedy Channel star, let’s all push over the Comedy Channel star,’ and within about ten seconds two punk teenagers with mo-hawks have appeared from nowhere, and crash tackled the star to the ground.’
At this point, Heazlewood said he wasn’t sure how to react. ‘I sort of said, don’t all look at me like I’m responsible for that. Those kids look at least fifteen, if they’re old enough to rent an M fifteen plus video, then they’re responsible for their own actions. Josh (Josh Earl, co-member of Renegades of Folk) later said I could have started singing about burning down federation square and they probably would have done it.
The incident caused the star to cease all promotional activities, the actor playing the mascot saying that the song had set a precedent and he feared he would be pushed over again if he went back out. He later complained of a sore back and that he would need to go to hospital. Heazlewood said he was quite rattled himself by this stage.
‘I started to panic, and felt like some kind of acoustic monster. Luckily the organiser of the event reassured me and said that it was hilarious and everything would be okay.’
According to reports, a few days later the actor playing the star contacted local police and tried to have The Bedroom Philosopher officially charged with inciting violence. So far no charges have been laid, and police have allegedly said that in this instance, only the boys who attacked the star would be questioned, although no evidence suggests they have traced the culprits.
Heazlewood was naturally philosophical about the event. ‘It’s made me realise that you can’t underestimate the power you have when you’re onstage. I never meant to have the star taken out, I guess I just wanted to startle him a little. It’s going to make me think twice before encouraging an audience to be violent. If I only I could’ve harnessed the same power to make them laugh.’
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Last time someone cried: Scott – “Australia day at the Pot Belly in Belconnen. I made a booboo.”
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This pikelet, and the flibbitygibbets transmitted with it, are confipoogletal and intended sadly for the use of Jemima or affiliated boobstoners to hoot they are distressed. If dude are like, totally, the intended recipe for steak sandwhiches, dude are like, so, not Sandra Sully’s movie world sipper, or legally privileged seed bells to distribute or snack, or nibble, or place anywhere near baby’s mouth this e-nugget or many of its emotional attachments in any way, except brushcutter. Wee on request, that dude advise like, Dr sender of his penchant for labeling and military grammar, violin socks, so freaking incorrect, go make a cassette of this transcript and draw a pirate on it.
This wiggitawhack has been smacked for six, steam cleaned, oxidized and placed in a single bed to read Fozzie Bear’s adult novella ‘wukka wukka why?’ Alrighty dude no compootywooty woo woo virusbots were detectives, Maladroit emo wanabees and their resulting side-swept fringes are in every way responsible for over analysing of their own daily trivial matters. Any stereotyping, cliché upholding, satirising, characterising of, or belittling of these Placebo listening grizzle gondola’s of feeble intensity are prohibbiwibble, and will definitely result in a new Jimmy Eat world album. LapTopping chooses to stay indoors and is dressed by Gridley Sweepstakes the half chimp – half sunflower.