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LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official Ezine Thing of The Bedroom Philosopher
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ISSUE 46
Wednesday December 14 2005
Subscribers: 1000 (We’ve sort of lost count but let’s celebrate!)
Estimated Reading Time: 9:58
www.bedroomphilosopher.com
**LapTopping acknowledges the recent double-blow of V.S.U. legislation being abolished and Kevin McQuay AKA Big Kev passing away. The world needs ‘goo remover’ now, more than ever. **
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LT BIRTHDAYS!

Happy Birthday Nostradamus 501 today!
Happy Birthday “Stone Cold” Steve Austin 40 Saturday!
Happy Birthday Brad Pitt 41 Saturday!

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ON THIS DAY IN 1993 (A reading from my grade seven diary)

“Silly day! I really like Sarah. She never lets on who she likes though. Came home. Watched cricket. Australia cained. Spent night quiet. Okay?”

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JUSTIN’S EMOTIONAL 1000th SUBSCRIBER SPEECH!

Hyper-fabulous greetings, my gorgeousational , in this time of ‘frenetic engineering’ it’s all too easy to catch your morning socks in the ‘shucks everything sucks flux.’ To stare deep into your toast and see a square window of political pollops and pompous poopery. I hope that the organic lasertreat of ‘LapTopping’ can continue to sneak into the ballpit of your hearts and flick a marble sized joy-squadron of dodgem car flailing grunge clowns into thine luscious, mysterious cerebral depths. On behalf of Beverly, Kerry and myself I’d like to thank you warmly for firing your desktop arrows in our direction. If you’d said to me two and a half years ago that I’d have 1000 subscribers one day I would have thought ‘gee, that’s a lot of group email lists to steal.’ Thankfully, the pirate ship of self-promotion reports of journeys through like-minded seas.
(And the plank has a microphone at the end of it.)
May your bon-bon jokes not rely too much on word play and your new year’s eve champagne launch optimistic bubbles into the cosmos. Love Just.
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THE BEDROOM PHILOSOPHER’S CHRISTMAS KIT!

You can have a personalised copy The Bedroom Philosopher’s debut studio album “In Bed With My Doona” posted directly to a cherished friend or confused enemy! It’s easy.

1 – Email laptopping@bedroomphilosopher.com with your friend’s name and address.
2 – We’ll sign it, gift wrap it, add your message and post it to them in time for Christmas.
3 – We’ll email you bank details so you can deliver the money in an e-paper bag to our ‘electronic carpark’ ie Justin’s bank.
OR alternatively – you can have the personalised album posted to you. They are $25 including postage and nerves.
What a yooneek gift idea!
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ROCK STAR!
BAND NAME!
HIT SINGLE!
(To find out how to do them go to: http://www.bedroomphilosopher.com/news/)
(rock star name is nan or pop’s name-second pet’s name and second street name
Band name is an anagram of your name
Hit single is a fragment of a text message)

Name: Adam Ross Ford
Rock star name: Danny-Dexter Drummond.
Band name: Danny-Dexter Drummond and the Odd Mars Afros.
Hit Single: “Your Optus Prepaid Credit Card Recharge Number.”

Name: Tamara Elizabeth Nicholson
Rock star name: Steddy-Harry Marian
Band Name: The Nil-Size Alabama Hot Corns
(yes it’s another THE band…)
Song: Anita and I

Name: Klare Lanson
Rock star name: Dorothy-Chippy Bells
Band Name: Snorkel Anal
Hit Single: u betcha 🙂

Name: Renee Kathleen Turner
Rock star name: Kath-Lucifer Gourlay
Band name: Earthen Kernel Rue Ten
Hit Single: “Deviantly tepid regards”

Name: Stephen Barker
Rock Star Name: Robert-Billie Dangar
Band Name: Nether Kerb Spa
Hit Single: ‘No Pilates tomorrow’

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A WORD PAINTS 1/1000 OF A PICTURE

“A pregnant cat is a gift that keeps on giving”
– Dion McCall

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FIFTEEN THINGS PEOPLE HAVE TYPED INTO GOOGLE TO LAND ON MY WEBSITE:

“jarvis tubular”
“professional spankees”
“burnie bogans”
“home and away alf homosexual”
“little speedos nippers”
“learn to play bowls canberra”
“captain and tinea”
“side swept fringe”
“bohemian fart”
“pictures of joan jett shaving her head”
“i ve had so many opportunities i hate myself”
“googy eggs”
“guru josh gigs”
“daniel kitson self indulgent”
“second hand mattress canberra”

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LAPTOPPING INANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES
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DEAD
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From Tai Snaith, of Melbourne.

“Today the plastic bin at work died. It was by no means a dramatic or painful death, which is good. I noticed he fell quiet and a little sullen towards the end of the evening as we continued to scrape fish bones and half-eaten sticky rice into his final lining.
It was only when Sheriff (the dishwasher) was completing his final chores for the end of the night pack-up that we all noticed he had passed away. As Sheriff gently lifted the bag up to tie it in a knot the bin got stuck and then, we all seemed to stop in our tracks as we saw it; his base hanging open, revealing a gaping hole that looked just like a big grin.
We rolled him out the back to where the toilet used to be before it got bulldozed. He lay there in the mud and rubble, next to the broken mop as the drizzle settled on his greasy skin. We all shared a beer that a customer on table 16 had left in the fridge as a final farwell.

-RIP- The Bin At Work- remembered fondly as the quiet lynch pin of the kitchen.”

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WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
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Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the
LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev:
laptopping@bedroomphilosopher.com

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STORYTIME (Brought to you by “The Big Jenga” a initiative of the Tasmanian Government in conjunction with Gunns Forestry Ltd. We plan to build a Jenga tower from King Billy Pine that can be seen from space. Countries will then be invited to ‘compete’ in a game of Jenga by flying specially fitted helicopters. The amount of casualties from the event is expected to create over 10, 000 new hospital jobs by 2009)

JUSTIN’S TRIPOD TOUR REPORT CHAPTERS 5-11.

Some more reports from, what I’ve already said to someone over beers was ‘quite possibly the best two weeks of my life.’

PART FIVE – YONNY PLAYS HIS FIRST GAME OF YAHTZEE

Having been warned of the six hour trips in the tour van, I took along my authentic Heazlewood family edition of Yahtzee, complete with pre-loved score sheets, featuring games by my Mum, Nan and Pop and Uncles in the mid-70’s. The long trip from Port Hedland to Broome was the right time to bring it out. Yonny was the most unfamiliar with this game, but soon picked it up. He also picked up not one, but TWO Yahtzee’s. Anyone in the Yahtzee community will appreciate what a fine feat this is. He ended up dominating on a score of around 350. I suggested he might be a hussler, and that we could make a film ‘white men can’t roll.’ He celebrated with a round of service-station grade beef jerky, which we had all took a shining to by around day nine of the tour.

PART SIX – PORT HEDLAND IN GENERAL

We arrived bleary and thirsty to Port Hedland, a rather long way north of Karratha, to see that the blackboard marquee denoting ‘TRIPOD’ had been ‘key-lined’ by a deviant finger. (On their weekly events board, they’d also made the typo ‘Thrusday.’) Everything at the Pier Hotel, where we performed was painted a rustic, red dirt colour, because of the frequent dust storms in the area. It was an open air, outdoor venue, with a large, hexagonal, metal, rustic, Dr Whoish ‘pod’ for the D.J. to hide in. In conjunction with this were a number of signs clearly stating that ‘the D.J. does not take requests, under any circumstances.’ We were beginning to debate the integrity of the clientele when we were informed that the place allegedly held the world record for the most stabbings in a pub. This was mostly in the 1970’s when a lot of Italian miner’s came over and knifed everyone. Suffice to say, I stepped up on stage that night with a fascinating level of apprehension. The Feng Shui was a bit off as well, with the stage facing away from where the majority of punters were sitting. It was probably my least successful gig. At one point, I actually did a joke where I said ‘this is my impression of harmonica lewinski’ and started performing fellatio on my harmonica. Tripod impressed the rowdy crowd – at one point I heard a bloke say ‘these c*nts are drinking crownies, no wonder ticket prices are so high.’ An entirely magic moment occurred when, during the song ‘Lingering Dad’ which ends with Yon singing the theme from M*A*S*H, a helicopter actually flew over the venue!

PART SEVEN – WHAT’S GOING ON IN ESPERENCE?

Tripod’s logo, as you may or may not know, is a three legged dog. Towards the tail end of their set, a local chap wandered in front of the stage holding a three legged dog. At first, this was relatively well received by the crowd and band. He then said words to the effect of ‘now I’ll show you his fourth leg’ and then began to ‘manipulate’ the dog. He was eventually ‘urged’ off by onlookers. At the same gig, the Tripod lads battled with a small patch of ridiculously vocal surf munters, who kept requesting an ‘ode’ to their friend called “Linton the chronic bionic robot.’ Tripod, to their credit, eventually obliged – but I’ve got a feeling the surf munters were still too busy requesting the song to actually listen to it.

PART EIGHT – MISTAKEN IDENTITY IN KALGOORLIE

Kalgoorlie was the last show on the tour. It was also the only one that I didn’t sell any CD’s at. I sensed this ‘anti-philosopher’ sentiment when I walked out after the gig and heard a guy say ‘yeah they were better than that first guy.’ At first I thought maybe he was doing a ‘I saw you coming and wanted to joke around.’ But I quickly realised he couldn’t see me and was just commenting honestly to his mates. At the merch desk, a lady looked at Scod, then at me, and revealed that when I’d come out on stage she thought I was Scod in a wig.

PART NINE – UNTITLED

Much later, in a pub in Kalgoorlie, I pashed a girl that I had only just met, and then had her virtually admit to being disappointed in me. She kept on drunkenly moving my glasses up onto my forehead, and at one point ‘rescheduled’ my hair. Later, she went to the toilet and insisted on taking my glasses with her. (I am extremely short sighted and quite useless without visual aid) I protested at first, but then gave in. She was gone at least fifteen minutes, during this time, I stood alone in the pub, gazing around, sipping my beer, contemplating the reality that she was a local, had stolen them for a joke, and was not coming back. She eventually did – improving the situation marginally.

PART TEN – THE NEVERENDING STORY

The biggest gigs we did were two nights at the ‘Fly by Night club’ in Fremantle. This is an old world war two aircraft hanger that has been turned into a beautiful, spacious venue. It also has two massive ‘moon faces’ hanging from the roof, either side of the stage. In what was probably my favourite gig moment all tour, I was able to make reference to ‘The Neverending Story’ and say that I felt like Atreyu when he has to walk between those two cliff faces and not get zapped, and that the gig was like that for me and I had to be careful not to be killed by the white hot lasers of my own self doubt. On the second night in particular, of those two gigs – the crowd roared.

PART ELEVEN – BYE PEMBERTON

Half-passed out, I threw up on my pillow. In the morning I spent a few minutes debating whether it was overly zealous to warn the hotel cleaners. They seemed to appreciate the tip-off.

THE END.

Note: A majority of the tour stories, mainly those concerning the X-Box games Halo 2 and Soul Calibre 2 have been omitted, due to the highly demanding nature of sort of needing to know the games to appreciate the tales.

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LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine check out www.bedroomphilosopher.com and go to the LapTopping page. You will be asked for your name, email, and the last time you cried.

Last time someone cried: Rach – “I watched the episode of M*A*S*H when Henry gets sent stateside. It made me cry like a baby. I’m thinking that I have to stop getting emotionally involved with characters from TV repeats. Meh, oh well.”

Back issues of LapTopping can be witnessed at www.bedroomphilosopher.com
To be removed from this Ezine reply with the subject line “Clarity starts at home”

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IMPORTANT

This information is transmitted for the intention of the um…recipient….hang
on..that doesn’t look right….hey Tony….excuse me…sorry…I was just
wondering…well….like….why do we have this message….if….i mean…if
you are sent this email..then…doesn’t that make you the intended
recipient? Yeah…..oh….okay….because of viruses…and……yeah..i just
thought that….hmmm……okay….yep…..sure….no worries….. If you have
received this email in error then….hmmm…..aaah….tony…..yeah sorry
to bother you mate….i was just ….well…this one about receiving the
email in error….well….how would you know if you’ve been sent it
in error if it’s in your inbox?….yeah…..no, but ho…..wha…..hmmm…….yeah…..oh
okay….so if if made no sense to you….or if your name wasn’t on…..yeah…..right….it’
s a bit like that warning for pirated videos isn’t it…you know the
one…..have you got what you paid….yeah that one….no?……oh fair
enough…..i just thought cos……how are you supposed to know whether
you’ve received…..yeah, yeah I kno
w cos your name’s not on the……but anyway….just thought it was interesting…..you got plans for new year’s?
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