Welcome Pixel Cutey! Play my new game ROCK STAR NAME! BAND NAME! HIT SINGLE!
How to play:
A) Work out your rock star name. FIRST NAME: This is your nan or pop’s first name hyphenated with your SECOND pet’s name. SURNAME: Your second ever street name. For example, my Pop’s name is Leonard. My second ever pet was a cat called Snowy. My second ever street name was Totterdell. Therefore, my rock star name is Leonard-Snowy Totterdell.
(NOTE: If you’ve only ever had one pet, or street name, take that. If you’ve never had a pet or street, contact administration for further counselling)
B) Work out your band name. To do this, you need to find an anagram of your full name (middle name too). The best way to do this is to download BLACKDOG’S ANAGRAM GENERATOR here: http://blackdog4kids.com/games/word/martin.mamo/
(You may have to download a little runtime program for it to work, it may take about five minutes)
Once you have it running. Type in your full name and hit ‘anagram now’ pick the one that you like best. For example, Justin Marcus Heazlewood becomes:
SIMULTANEOUS CHOW DAZE JR.
C) Work out the title of your hit single. This must come from a sentence in the last text message you received. It can be a word, fragment, or the whole sentence. For example, the last text I received was from Tom Doig, and I have taken “Come play on Thursday.”
Send in your entries in this format.
Name: Justin Marcus Heazlewood
Rock star name: Leonard-Snowy Totterdell.
Band name: Simultaneous Chow Daze Jr.
Hit Single: “Come play on Thursday.”
Send in to Bev at: firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll publish them!
(brought to you by Fugretch Caravan Park and Holiday inn, now with new improved games room. We’ve turned an old tumble dryer into a ‘mini-gravatron’ for the kids!)
• I have successfully relocated to Sydney. Tremendous gratitude must go to Fiona Scott-Norman who connected me to her friend with a lovely housing commission place in Alexandria. It is $30 a week. Thanks be to Killer Kilmurray, who put me in touch with a guy who needs to stay in my room in Melbourne roughly the same amount of time I need to be in Sydney. I’m paying $30 a week to live in two cities at once. I can never complain again, ever.
• I regret to announce that Writing Beard has been axed. Bedroom Philosopher executives said that due to a ‘bald patch that just wouldn’t go away,’ the facial hair was losing ratings in the key ’25 year old Tasmanian’ demographic. Beard fans can seek solace in the fact that the spin off series Wispy Moustache has had it’s contract renewed.
• The show is rating well. Last week we beat Merrick and Rosso in Melbourne. One week we picked up 100, 000 viewers. It wasn’t axed, just resting because of the soccer. Sketches I’ve had in so far include: Social suicide bomber (which the Herald sun declared as one of the worst sketches, while panning the show), Chicken Parmajana’s (which two people have said were ripped off from Shaun Micallef. I have no idea, any light on the matter would be appreciated), Grand-dad’s ashes cricket game, Chopper weather (co-written), Nihilist Aerobics/comedy night (the moody german dudes), Inner monologue (homeless, pizza, Christmas, co-written), improved bon-bon’s (coming up), bad comedian Olympics. The last show is this Wednesday, it takes a break until February I think.
• I’m trialling as the warm up guy on live nights. A live night is where they film a few sketches in front of a studio audience, and show them prepackaged sketches for them to laugh at. I’ve done it once so far. It was easily the hardest two hours of my life. Anyone who’s seen me perform will appreciate how perilous it is at the best of times, imagine me with an earpiece in one ear listening to the director, running my own ‘over their heads’ festival, while waving a bag of Australian idol glowsticks and Neighbours mugs in front a sea of pawing hands. At one stage I said ‘It was remembrance day today and I forgot the minute’s silence – and my pop was in the war,’ A young guy chirped ‘why don’t you have a minute’s silence now?’ He earned himself an ill fitting channel 10 T-shirt
• I am making good money for the first time in my life. It has not changed me, just allowed me to buy myself new basic things like expensive walking shoes, Tontine pillows, a guitar tuner and a leather wallet. I am at a critical level of risk of losing my newstart poverty-chic street cred.
* I was recently offered a complimentary full body massage by the good people at BODYINC. They are very good. Sommerset Gordan Place 24 Little Bourke St Melbourne. They have a jacuzzi, heated pool and sauna. Why not treat yourself? Call 03.9654 8829. (I’d never had a professional massage so I left my bathers on underneath my towel – I don’t think you’re meant to do that)
* Recommended website – http://www.nakedfella.com/animation/mrflig/ – David Blumenstein’s brilliantly hilarious animation series. (requires flash)