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LapTopping Issue 37
Thursday January 27th 2005
** Laughapoolooza musical comedy gala Kaliede Theatre this Friday, Saturday night**
Estimated Reading Time: 5:11
Word for the day: Midrovert. (When you are halfway between introverted and extroverted)

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LAPTOPPING INFREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q. How many people are signed up to LapTopping?
A. About 560

Q. How many people asked to be signed up to LapTopping?
A. About 45

Q. A lot of it seems like a lot of personal jokes, is that right?
A. No, not at all – and if they are then I’m the only one who gets them.

Q. But aren’t most of the people that write in for hap-hap-happy and the inanimate objects your friends?
A. Sometimes, but a lot of the time I have never met them personally.

Q. I’ve often thought about sending something in – but then I get really nervous and figure that it’s not funny enough. What do you suggest?
A. Don’t be silly. We appreciate everything. LapTopping has no pre-requisite of humour, believe me.

Q. What exactly does Bev do?
A. Handles incoming subscriptions, Proofreads, maintains a sense of zen.

Q. How?come?sometimes?the?email?comes?with?question?marks?inbetween?all the?spaces?in?the?words?
A. I have no idea. Sorry.

Q. How did you go in the Hottest 100?
A. I didn’t make it in.

Q. I voted.
A. Thankyou – but that’s not really a question.

Q. Oh, sorry….I voted?
A. Better.

Q. Oh damn, I’m sorry, I thought with your extensive email campaign you would have snuck in. What happened?
A. I’m not sure. I’m only small. Next year I am releasing an album of spoken word versions of Franz Ferdinand songs.

Q. Can you find out where you came?
A. I plan to.

Q. So how’s it all going…with the comedy and stuff…have you got a job over there yet…what do you do with your days? Have you got lots of gigs coming up?
A. Next.

Q. Are you in love with the moment?
A. Sort of. I try.

Q. What’s that?
A. Oh, probably toothpaste.

Q. Ewww

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DIRECT TRANSCRIPT OF A CALL THAT WAS ACCIDENTALLY LEFT ON MY MOBILE PHONE A FEW DAYS AGO BY A GIRL

(muffled jungle disco beats in background)
Girl:…I’m so needing a three day weekend at the moment…I seem to be partying…I don’t want to be not partying…
Girl 2: You need to…
Girl: It’s something you gotta do…I also want a day off and a good night’s sleep…there’s no room for partying when you‘re working full time…I just end up getting really buggered or really sick of partyting…
Girl 2: I often…gets to the middle of the week and I…like on a Wednesday
Girl: yeah that’s a really good idea…it’s good talking to people who work too, you understand…people you talk to who don’t work they don’t understand…
Girl 2: Jo works crazy hours…
Girl: Who?
Girl 2: …She goes out and parties heaps…goes back home on a Sunday…
Girl: (obscured exclamation)
Girl: I work 5 days a week…I party one or 2 nights a week then I stop…I just don’t have the energy to do the stuff that I want to do…it’s summer so everyone’s out having fun…I’ve had so many opportunities to socialise…but if I wasn’t working then great, I’d be having a ball, but I wouldn’t have the money to do it…I’d spend $20 a week on alcohol when I was’t working…enough for a six pack and a…
(end of call)

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LOOK AT THE HILARITY WHEN SOMEONE TRIES TO BUY ONE OF MY ALBUMS

Email received 25/1/05:
“Hello there, how do i go about purchasing your CD, the one with the post modern song on it. Red Eye records looked at me vaguely, utopia records said try the ABC shop The ABC shop told me not to swear…. so i am at a loss! Please help me – Haemish”

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LAPTOPPING IN-ANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES
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*****
DEAD
*****

From Vanessa Berry, Sydney.

“The Shattering of “I’d Rather Be The Boss!

Mid-morning, mid-way through a summer stint of pretending she is over retirement age, Vanessa Berry shuffles her way into the kitchen. The kettle has already come to the boil four times. She flicks the switch then forgets about it and flicks the switch again and forgets about
it etc. Finally, she makes herself stand next to the kettle and wait. She is reusing a tea bag. This once seemed to her stingy and unpleasant, but her mother, her only visitor, is into teabag reuse,
and Vanessa finds mother’s ideas have began to lodge in her head tenaciously. Next she will begin to believe that sexual intercourse is an “ordeal”.

As she lowers the soggy teabag into “I’d Rather Be The Boss”, her shaking hands fail to grip properly. Everything falls to the lino, the mug shatters. Suddenly in pieces when it was once whole. Nowhere for it but the bin. “I’d Rather Be the Boss” had the boss desk on one side of it, all neat with an “Out To Lunch” sign on it. On the other side, a frazzled, neckless employee struggled amongst a pile of papers and a frenetically vibrating telephone. The papers read “Pay Now” and “Overdue”.
Loved and loving drinking vessel of Vanessa Berry, it shall be thirstily missed

Editor’s note: (just quietly, Vanessa is a brilliant writer and has a zine called ‘I am a camera’ www.vanessaberryworld.com

** **** *** ***** ********** *************
WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
** **** *** ***** ********** *************

Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev: laptopping@lycos.com

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HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAPPY!(TM)
(said quickly – high affectation on last ‘happy’)

In this age of treason we get by with a little yelp from our friends.

From the indielicious, Josh Earl of Melbourne.

5. When i ask a student to stop looking up mild pornography on the
computers and he says “me no speak a english me japaneseee” when he is chinese

4. when the student teachers ask me if I can log them in and me saying
that i cant (even though I probably could)

3. when it’s hot, like today, 32, shutting the library at lunch and
reading the paper for a whole hour whn it is usually our busiest

2. Telling kids to turn down their music on the computers if I dont like
it and choosing to ignore it if I do.

1. When kids get told off by their teachers, walking past them and
quietly telling them “You Got Served!” just like in the movies.

LapTopping accepts little responsibility for any nonplussment, disappointment, rejection or apathy experienced during a HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAPPY!(TM) endorsed activity. Submit your 5-point plan to the chortle portal.
(email Bev at laptopping@lycos.com with 5 things that make you happy, or just a top 5 of any kind! And where you live. They will be published in an order determined by Bev’s powerball numbers)

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Let’s get metaphysical
A moment with Kerry, the metaphysical drummer!

(From his new dotmatrix corduroy almanac ‘Spearmint Kerfuffle Sax’ available for one hour in Jopulary)

When
The
Tables
Have
Turned
And
The
Steaks
Are
High
Then
You
Must
Be
Eating
At
A
Revolving
Restaraunt

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A GIGGLE OF GIGS

* LAUGHAPOOLOOZA! Musical Comedy Extravaganza!! $20/$18. 8pm Kaliede Theatre, Swanston Street! Finally! It’s here. The definitive line-up of next generation musical comedy superstars! Featuring Eddie Perfect (Best newcomer last MICF), Sista She (they are the future of everything), Tim Minchin (Cabaret brilliance), Elbowskin, Man Bites God, and the spectacular Josh Earl. And me.

* Jangle Gym. Tonight. Bar Open. 8:30pm $5. Featuring Gorgeous headlining, and a serious set from Scod from Tripod!

• Monday 7th Febuary. I’m doing a spot at the Local, St.Kilda. Cnr Carlisle and Chapel streets. $10.

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LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL
CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine email Bev in administration on

laptopping@lycos.com

with your email details and the last time you cried.
Last time someone cried: “Erin – When I made my friend miss her plane”
Back issues of LapTopping are still available.
To be removed from this Ezine reply with the subject line “Clarity starts at home”

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Order the Bedroom Philosopher’s debut studio album ‘In Bed With My Doona’ ‘The Sgt. Pepper’s of indie folk comedy.’ $25 including postage and nerves. (email your postal address, we’ll do the rest!)
laptopping@lycos.com

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IMPORTANT

The Gandolf impersonation is transmitted is for the use of the intended
recipient only and may contain confidential and/or legally privileged
limb flailing or cloak wearing. Any tom, dick, or harry or unwashed
barmat’s or mother’s obtuse woof, or faking of any traction in whiffwhiff
upon, this information by fantail wrappers or entities other than
the attending ballet graduates is prohibiwibble and may reheat in
a plastic cheesecloth. If you have received this cricket bat in
error then please take up a passion for herbs and send unused portion
to place of birth. Run a warm bath for all copies of this transmission
and marinate at 360 degrees. If delight persists then please call
131166 and tell our friendly staff what shade of lacquer you require
and the quantity of tins. If in doubt forge ahead with gay abandon.
Any failures or lost change in vending machines must be moulded
into chest pieces and hobby glued to the moving vehicle.
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