LapTopping – 33 – “Smackdown”
LapTopping Issue 33
**Request ‘I’m so Postmodern’ on Triple J! Yay!**
Thursday 11th Novemer 2004
Estimated Reading Time: 7:24
(Approximately the amount of time that conversation about mobile phone plans dragged out for)
Happy Birthday Demi Moore 43 today!
Happy Birthday Bruce Samazan 34 Saturday!
On this day in 1993 (A reading from my grade seven diary)
“Made small cakes in cooking. Sarah talked to me again. Bianca must like me. Had inter high training then went to pool. Yo.”
DAMN POP UP ADS!
Triple J have inserted ‘I’m So Postmodern’ into a (direct quote from Richard Kingsmill) ‘lite rotation – arvos/nights/weekends’ This is good. Here is what you darling
HOW TO REQUEST “I’m So Postmodern” by The Bedroom Philosopher
Step 1 – Have a drink of Lucozade (optional).
Step 2 – Think about the day a bit. How’s it going?
Step 3 – Text Super requests on 0427222555 (or ring 1800 055536 after 6pm)
Step 4 – Do a super request at: http://www.abc.net.au/triplej/requests/make_a_request.htm
Step 5 – Do a net 50 request at (it won’t be in the list but there’s fields down the bottom for dark horses) http://www.abc.net.au/triplej/net50/default.htm
Step 6 – Flex your fingers
Step 7 – Give yourself a hickey, thankyou!
(ps if you don’t care about me or the song, that’s okay, I suggest you visit www.fake-sincerity.com.au and vote anyway)
Note: be careful not to accidentally request Kerry’s new single ‘shedslammer collapet $ byyytch’ as it goes for 13, 000 trimesters and doesn’t exist yet!
TOP 5 NOT RECOMMENDED CONVERSATION STARTERS ON A THIRD DATE
1 – “Do you ever have morbid dreams about your family that haunt you for the rest of the day?”
2 – “God it smells like cat piddle in here, doesn’t it?”
3 – “Last night I couldn’t sleep and in the cataclysmic morphing of images I saw a pregnant jelly bean speed skating along the hairline of a grumpy clown.”
4 – “Can I feel behind your knee?”
5 – “Have I got any boogies on my face?”
LAPTOPPING IN-ANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES
Craig Wellington, Hobart.
“I regret the washing machine at 73 Forest Road West Hobart has passed on. It went from being A O K one minute to only partially filling with water then stopping the next. Now it won’t do anything at all. I rang the Fisher and Paykel 1300 number from the yellow pages and spoke to the nice man in the call centre in New Deli who put me through to the grumpy man at the call centre in New Deli. A week later Chris from the Hobart office rang (“It’s not really an office, it’s just kind of me and my van.”)
Upon inspection he informed me in a somber, take a seat, this is for real manner that it will cost more to repair than to replace. My loyalty is to the old machine, but economic reality is going to see it replaced. We will instead add it to the increasing line-up of fondly remembered washing machines on our front balcony or give it a home under the house next to my nan’s old twin-tub.”
** **** *** ***** ********** *************
WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
** **** *** ***** ********** *************
Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev: firstname.lastname@example.org
(said quickly – high affectation on last ‘happy’)
In this age of treason we get by with a little yelp from our friends.
From the shimmeringly adept Kate McGregor of Melbourne.
1. Sunshine (the rays, not the melbourne suburb)
2. Glitter and plenty of it
3. Dunking biscuits in my tea
4. Tintin books
5. My cat, Elektra
LapTopping accepts little responsibility for any nonplussment, alienation, rejection or apathy experienced during a HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAPPY!(TM) endorsed activity. Submit your 5-point plan to the chortle portal.
(email Bev at email@example.com with 5 things that make you happy, or just a top 5 of any kind! And where you live. They will be published in an order determined by Bev’s powerball numbers)
Let’s get metaphysical
A moment with Kerry, the metaphysical drummer!
A GIGGLE OF GIGS (Melbourne)
(Have I mentioned that Stagetime and The Local are the two best comedy rooms in Melbourne? If you have an irrational fear of dick jokes and ‘how funny is it when you drive to the servo stoned’ humour, then relax, this is ‘new comedy’ (ie a lot of it doesn’t have any punchlines, but bear with us, we’re quirky and occasionally sexy…)
• Sunday 21st November. Launching the album at ‘Stagetime’ Bar Open, near Cnr of Johnson and Brunswick Streets. 5pm. $10/8.
* Monday 22nd November. Renegades of Folk third barn-raising gig. (We almost got into a fight with Tripod at the last gig…they said to josh ‘oh just cos you’ve got an offsider with glasses you think you own the world…’) That great lesbian comedian Sue-Anne Post is playing also! (not with us…but she’s welcome) The Local, cnr carlisle and chapel streets, St Kilda 8:30pm $10/5
* Wednesday 24th November. The Jangle Gym (The deluxe open mic gig I’ve started for the Australian Songwriting Association.) I’m MCing, Jess McAvoy is headlining, and Josh’s other band ‘The Plurals’ are playing! Bar Open, as above, 8:30pm $5
STORYTIME (brought to you by ‘Proof the Magic dragon’ an introduction to copy editing for under sevens)
THE MUSICIAN BEATERS
I’ve been at home eating tuna on Salada’s and blanking out in front of Futurama, trying to achieve a Zen like state of confusion after a recent tour. This assembly of gigs has seen my act be elegantly ignored in some of the eastern coast’s most acoustically well endowed of uni bar’s – none more so than at my own academic day care centre, University of Canberra.
If there was a University games for ‘Not Giving a Toss about the Music,’ then UC would have a trophy cabinet with enough gold to be the target of a third ‘City Slickers’ film. They strut in sandals with the self belief of an American relay team, and clutch their beers with the quiet confidence of an Australian cricketer. They are the unadorned champions – unassuming gods and goddesses to be at once feared and worshipped.
They are – The Musician Beaters.
In the ‘N.G.A.T.A.T.M Games’ glamour event, the Apathy Pentathlon, the UC team on the day dominated in all areas. The pentathlon consists of:
1 – The Back Sit. (Sitting with your back to the audience)
2 – The Two-Handed Unacknowledge (not clapping after a song)
3 – The Conversation Relay (Continually talking during the gig)
4 – The Readathon (Reading/texting the entire time, preferably right in front of the stage)
5 – The Stop, Lurk and Skip (Walk into the bar, act like nothing is there, and leave)
6 – The Reverse Back Sit (Sit facing the stage but acknowledge nothing)
7 – The Outdoor Marathon (Spend entire time sitting in beer garden, safely out of reach)
Despite the domination of UC, the competition is only as good as the musician. Like an intense boxing bout, it’s in the artist’s gallant attempts to forge a sense of self belief and maintain the same level of performance as he/she would for a full house of fans, that the depth of the university’s ignormentation can be tested.
They had me on the ropes early, easily flicking aside my attention raising trademarks of ‘Rockafella Skank’ and ‘Where’s Your Head At?’ played acoustically. I got a cheap shot in at the halfway mark, playing ‘I’m So Postmodern’ twice in a row and then asking, by round of applause whether people preferred it the first or second time. I was even unnerved enough to abort a comedy ‘bit’ I was going to do, and adopt the experimental introduction of: ‘lettuce, abortion, tractor, milo, placenta…’ soon realising that I could have set fire to myself only to be noticed when the fire brigade arrived.
I did win back some points on the buzzer, hoisting up the volume on my hip-hop dance floor smash ‘Folkstar,’ dancing around the tables and running into the beer garden screaming ‘folk is back motherf@#%ers’ This earnt me a begrudging cheer, and praise from the UCU booker that is was ‘the best response I’ve seen them give anyone in months.’
It was refreshing to be defeated by such dynamic professionals, and I look forward to bouncing back next year. Thank you UC.
LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL
CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine email Bev in administration on
with your email details and the last time you cried.
Last time someone cried: “Sally Braidwood – Sex in the city mon night – Sam has cancer!”
Back issues of LapTopping are still available.
To be removed from this Ezine reply with the subject line “Clarity starts at home”
Order the Bedroom Philosopher’s debut studio album ‘In Bed With My Doona’ ‘The Sgt. Pepper’s of indie folk comedy.’ $20 including postage and nerves. (email your postal address, we’ll do the rest!)
** Don’t forget to request ‘I’m So Postmodern’ on Triple J -**
The girdle translucent suffers from weeping technicalities and is for the use of 1981 primary school dramatisations of Man about the House and may contain traces of milk, nog, spag, geek, paprika or tommy emmanuel’s glasses case and/or lickily split privileged material girls and/or women. Any relief, wishing, discolouration of the affected area, break dancing or mother’s cream, or raking of any illegally wood chipped track pants, unmentionable little guttersnipe reception boot lipped capital X’s, without prior turntabling from a mauve party, or member of a space library, upon, this blackened matchstick head should be dissolved in a small red centre adhesed with fare evading cracknephews, by persons or romulon’s other than the lotteries and gaming placenta of Terry smealasaurus the 5th rotation each pug must roll all her worming apparatus in to the third preview of each Paddington bear remake. Failure to reveal all your redeeming qualities by the end of the conversation may result in a low estimation of personality and subsequent report could end in a deep breath and the sentence ‘I’m just going to the loo’ something you usually don’t narrate.